Kick up the bum required

[Smileandwhatever]

I've come on here as I know the answer but need to hear it to endorse it. I've been married just over a year to my second husband. There is no other word for it but that he is verbally abusive. I live on a rollercoaster, treading on egg shells everyday afraid to upset him because the tirade of abuse over the slightest thing will just upset my whole day. I get called a cunt most days - usually 'thick cunt' or 'fucking cunt' , you're so fucking stupid', I fucking hate you in the mornings, I don't want to come anywhere near you as you smell, shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear your dulcet tones, fuck off out of my face, why don't you and your fucking cunt of a son fuck off out of our lives. I could have this before 7 when I go to work and do many days of the week. I know what I have to do and know it's only a matter of time before I do it. I nearly left the other week and found somewhere for my son and I to move into but then my husband was all 'well you're the one that's walking out of our marriage, you know I love you but if you don't want to be here I'd never stop you. This was after he'd told me he wanted a divorce, took off his wedding ring and kept saying have you found anywhere to live yet cos you need to get out? Don't ask me what kind of weird cloud we ended up on to make it up and try to give our marriage another shot but we did - then it was ok for a couple of days but now his dad is terminally ill in a hospice - he goes all day and evening - I'm getting it all wrong again as I try not to hassle him as he's with his family so wait for him to contact me but then I get a nasty text saying nice of you to think of me and show you care - then when he comes home I always have a coffee waiting for him and try and gauge whether he wants to talk or be left to collect his thoughts - whichever I do I get it wrong and it ends up with him having a go. He's left this morning without saying goodbye and text to to say I'm not being a supportive wife- he had a go about the house being s mess and that I should tidy it up today if I've got no plans - im at work about 40 hours in the week and exhausted - he works from home organising and ringing people - when I leave for work he's still in bed. I know I've got to go eventually it's just finding the strength - although I've got a good job he's got me into a lot of debt. I feel so stupid and so ashamed - I'm angry at myself for getting into this situation as I'm an intelligent and strong woman. He is eroding all my confidence and making me doubt my decisions - I know anyone reading this will be screaming GET OUT!!! I know I would - why am I finding it so hard to leave?

Fear of the abuser amongst many other reasons that you cite (like debt and money problems) can and do stop people from leaving their abuser. It is not at all easy to leave. No obstacle is insurmountable though and you need both a plan and support in order to leave. The longer you do stay though the harder it will seem to do, he's already doing a bang up job of eroding any self worth and confidence you have. He will destroy you in the end from the inside out.

Many "intelligent and strong" women can end up in relationships with abusive men; these men after all are master manipulators and hone in on any insecurities the person has. You were targeted by this person and abuse like you've seen too is insidious in its onset. It was probably only after marrying him that he really started to ramp up the power and control as well.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Was your previous marriage abusive?.

Are you in the UK?. Womens Aid and the Rights of Women are well worth contacting here and they can also help you as well. You also need to have good legal advice.

Men like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and your son regardless of his age cannot afford to keep seeing you as his mother being abused daily by this man. It will do him no favours either. You both need to get away from this man and asap. I would also suggest that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships as well.

You are finding it hard to leave because he is undermining your confidence. You need to take a deep breath and when he is at the hospice just go. Pack what you can for you and your son and get out. Ring women's aid. They will help you.

Good luck leaving. Please tell someone in real life to give you support - a friend, co-worker, family. You can do this and it will be so much better for you and your son to leave this bastard.

I might just have a conversation with myself as it does at least give me clarity. Tried to be supportive and text him to ask how are things today even though he told me it to 'pester him' I want to show my support and he's blocked me on his phone - he's done it before and he's blocked me on Facebook a few months ago - even writing these posts I'm shocked at how I'm allowing myself to be treated.

Just reading your responses you're so right and exactly what I would have said to me - I have already helped women in similar situations and given them the support and put them in touch with women's aid. I know that I need to go but then my softer side kicks in to say I'd feel so shit leaving him whilst his dad is in his deathbed. What you said about my son is so true - he doesn't see his dad as a psychologist report and 8 years being dragged into court by my ex determined that he couldn't put his own needs and vendetta over me above the needs of his son. My son now can't have any direct contact for another 3 years until he's 16 with his dad. I must just attract these men and I don't know why as I'm happy go lucky, confident, assertive, have a good job and a very sociable person. When I meet them I'm not down trodden - I put up with my ex husband's controlling ways for 14 years - he was never verbally abusive like my current husband who I think may suffer with borderline personality disorder. I will get out I just need to put a plan in place. Thank you for your wise words.

Is the place you found a few weeks ago still available?

Yes it is I've been in touch with the agency. We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks which we are all looking forward to and is badly needed, then he and his daughter are going in holiday for a week together and me and my son are flying home. Selfishly I thought if I'm not happy I can go whilst he's abroad with his daughter but at least I will have had 2 weeks chilling by a pool in the sun and feel more ready to take on the world . It's only a few weeks away and I've put up with it this long. Thankfully he's not physically abusive - he's too much of a coward and you scared of everything with too many issues. Why do I still love him? I must be crackers!!!

Just leave. Honest.

He is out to destroy you.

Really, what is stopping you? You know you need to go, and you have an income, and your 15 year old son is old enough to help (and must be desperate to get out too). Have you analysed what is keeping you there? Fear of what? lack of self esteem? I stayed with my XDP because I had a bit of a martyr syndrome - is that it? It might help you to go if you knew what was holding you back.

Yeah I know you're right! I don't think it's personal I think he's just screwed up - he has issues from childhood that I cant help him with and I know he won't change

Does your son like him? Why don't you ask him of he thinks you both deserve better, I think he will give you the right answer. Maybe you can put up with it but he shouldn't have to.

Wow reading your responses is exactly what I need -martyr syndrome - you could be spot on, coupled with the fact that I've not even been married for 2 years yet - I'm embarrassed and look like a failure - I moved away with my husband to start a new life and now just look and feel like an idiot.

With regards to my son - he swings from he's ok to he can't stand him and thinks he's an idiot, he loves him before we got married! I know what I have to do - I just need to wait until I get paid for deposit etc - but I think I'm determined to do it now

Good lord woman! Run, run for your life.

I'd also have a read of 'Living with the dominator' to help explain the behaviour of the abusive men you've had in your life that are treating you like this.

You know what to do. Do it for your son if not for yourself. Good luck

I'll have a look at that book thank you 👍🏻

You’re stalling, “much needed holiday” with someone who regularly abuses you, holiday from what? The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave because like the holiday and his dying father, there will always be excuses to stay. For the sake of your son LEAVE NOW! You’ve gone from one type of abusive relationship to another type of abusive relationship.

This is who he is and there isn’t a nicer version of him waiting around the corner, use your energies where they will get the most return for you and your son and that’s getting counselling as a priority.

Yes you're right

The hardest part of being in an abusive relationship is accepting you have a choice. All the language is framed on what the abuser does and doesn’t do, a form of self imposed learned powerlessness.

You won't need a 'much needed holiday' if you bin this abusive man - every day will be a holiday.

When did your relationship become all about his needs?

It won't be a 'much needed holiday', it will be exactly the same stress and discomfort and abuse, just in a different location.

You'll spend a fortune too (even if it's already paid for and you can't get that money back, you always spend loads when away). So instead of throwing good money after bad, get out now. Use the money you would have spent on food and drink on holiday for something lovely for your new home.

You see this is why I came on this forum you are all making me realise that this is not a normal relationship nor will it ever be - it's toxic through and through. I know what has to be done

Move into that rental place via that agency with your son asap and stop procrastinating. Your H's abuse of you and in turn him is also affecting your son markedly, this is not what he should be learning about relationships here.

The only people who have failed you and your son here are these abusive men. It is not your fault they are like this and you cannot help them. Such men as well hate women, all of them and they certainly do not want your help or support.

I would cancel the holiday with him and certainly not go on this holiday from hell. This relationship is well and truly over because of his abuses of you and in turn your son. Your ex was also vindictive and abusive and he preyed on your all too softer side as well. You have a complete lack of good boundaries here and both those men being manipulative played on that as well.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your own parents show you about relationships?. What was your dad like towards your mother?. Who taught you how to be codependent (you have probably confused love with codependency), be a people pleaser, a martyr, put the man's needs first. More likely than not, that was your mother. Where did this need to rescue and or save come from?. All that needs to be addressed through counselling going forward and before you embark on another relationship.

Yes you're right about the co-dependency but I think it's from my dad living with my mum who is quite a difficult character. Even though I'm nearly 50 I've spent years trying to please her and seek her approval. My dad has spent 50 years putting her needs first and trying to appease her and make excuses for her. She's not really a bad person just a bit odd and we are quite close these days. She doesn't like my husband lol - I can see that I'd be a prime candidate for counseling 😀🙈

That is why I was asking about your parents relationship; just look at what they taught you between them. Your mother as well sounds absolutely toxic as a parent and your dad has also failed you here because he has consistently failed to protect you from his wife's excesses of behaviours. He is really her enabler and hatchet man here. Like many adult children of such rubbish parenting you still seek approval from them. Small wonder therefore your boundaries are shot, they set you up good and proper to have abusive relationships as an adult.

Reading "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help you as well.

Oh god I didn't stand a chance did I? What I need to be careful about now is not letting it go to another generation with my son. You've all been brilliant this morning thank you so much - I'll let you know how it goes

I'm strong and intelligent and was raised in a loving home, haven't been abused etc before but I think I always judged people by my own standards. My ex was nothing like yours but controlling, jealous, emotionally and financially abusive. He still says I walked out etc and it's all my fault. When we argue he completely rewrites history but there is no point arguing or defending yourself. Just ignore and get out. Don't worry about what others think, no-one would want their loved one to be in such a toxic relationship.