Sleeping issues New relationship.

[inmyshoos]

To keep it short.... married for 12 years, unhappy for long time, separated 2 years ago. During marriage my youngest DD (Now almost 10) slept with me most nights. It evolved from breast feeding/co sleeping and then became a convenient way to avoid a horrible situation sharing a bed with exh.
So fast forward to now. I've mostly got dd sleeping in her own bed but whenever new partner stays over or we go to his, she cries for me to sleep in with her. She isn't alone at his house, her sister shares the bedroom with her. She gets so upset and I'm not sure how best to handle it. I don't want her to feel insecure/jealous/threatened/upset but she is almost 10! She likes new partner, he is exceptionally good with my dc and really makes a huge effort.

Any advice?

How long with the new partner?

What happens when you discuss it with her? Does she say why she wants you to sleep with her?

My guess is that she's worried on some level that new partner is going to somehow take you away from her. You need to reassure her that it's not going to happen and that you can be a good mom and have a boyfriend/partner too.

I've been with new partner 8 months. The dc met him after a few months. Slowly and carefully got to the point of sleepovers. Dd was a bit shocked when I said partner and I would sleep in same bed. I explained it's normal for adults in an adult relationship to share a bed.
When I ask her she just says she wants to snuggle up with me, she loves me, she feels sad because she has parents who have split up (has been fine since split, better if anything because home life calm and happy but I suppose perhaps just change itself is unsettling)
She is obsessing over it at bedtime. Asking if I can lie with her until she falls asleep. Then if I do she wakes the instant I try to move. It's awful. Like going back to the baby years! Help!

I suspect that in her mind she has interpreted the reality ("mummy sleeps with me so she doesn't have to sleep with daddy") into a palatable form for a child ("mummy sleeps with me because she loves me so much"). Your withdrawal of co-sleeping in order to sleep with new bloke is then being experienced as an abandonment ("mummy loves new bloke more than me so she is sleeping with him").

I'm no expect but I'd suggest going through the usual process for stopping co-sleeping and don't have new bloke to stay over until things have settled down.

How long has DD been sleeping in her own bed? I moved my DS to his big boy room months before new baby arrived, so he didn't associate moving out with baby taking over his space, toys, parents, etc. Could this be the case if the two things have been very close in time? I think that she needs reassurance.

TBH this is the result of using your child in your relationship with ex. It was very selfish of you to do this and now she feels abandoned. What did you expect?
Very selfish and wrong and you know it. This was your problem not hers.

Can you make her room more appealing? When I was 7 I got a kitten. Slept on my pillow! Wouldn't have slept anywhere else then!
For her own sake her own bed is best.
Has she ever had friends to sleep? They would reinforce her own room is a fun place to sleep!

I think you need to sort the issue before you stay with him again.

Slow things down with your boyfriend. You can't expect your dd to accept so much change and what she sees as rejection so fast. How often is he staying over?

8 months and your already doing sleepovers at each other's houses?

Slow down love.

I think it’s too soon for sleepovers with the partner ... you need to put your daughter first & reassure her that she is still loved and if that means retraining her to sleep on her own, that’s what you need to do