Leaving is the right thing to do but what about his mh problems?

[Ginandpanic]

Married 23 years together 26. Mid forties. No dc at home. I have no other family, but I have friends and a job I love.
Dh hopeless with money - 30,000 of credit card debt which he wouldn’t deal with, blamed me for , refused to accept responsibility for. Have paid that off by downsizing, and leaving some savings, which he has now frittered through also on god knows what. Regardless of how many times I asked him to discuss before spending any, he never did.

Crap at communicating, mh problems and medication so nil sex life. Gas lights. Has had councilling together and alone, doesn’t ever practice the cbt outside the session so just says it doesn’t work. Is not reliable at taking medication. I realise now he hasn’t ever engaged with the councilling.

Repeatedly goes over tipping point at which point he blames me and says he’s leaving, it’s my fault, for some reason I put up with this . I’m not sure if I’m co dependent or if I’m worried about his mh if he’s on his own. Or both.

Holds down a decent job! Manages to get himself up and clean for that.

Sorry nothing positive to say about him, feel so exhausted and sad by it all. Ducks are sorted.

I’m far from perfect but I’m sick of trying to encourage dh to be a decent human being.

Would you leave if you were me?

I did.

His mental health is not your responsibility.

Which kind of mh problem is it? Could he change his medication for a better sex life?

I honestly think the only reason anyone would stay with him is codependency.

I'd run for the hills.

I think if you do leave him it would be fair to organize a “safety net“ for him.

It's not the OP's responsibility to organise a "safety net".

It's the DH's resposibility, as an adult, to engage with his treatments.

It's not the OP's responsibility because while someone is there doing stuff for him, the DH isn't going to do anything himself.

Of course you should go!! why on earth would you want to stay?

His MH problems if he refuses to deal with them are his problems.

You don't need permission to leave.

Leave.

I grieved my lost years after I left. I really grieved for those years which were a waste of life. I was in a permanent state of crisis management coping with him.

Yes. Leave him.
And divorce home quoting all of what you said in your op.

I totally agree on it being the husbands responsibility to engaging his treatment and that it is very immature and selfish of him not to do so BUT without knowing something about his mental health I would say that I would organize a safety net for him if it is something like.. say suicidal depression... and I do not mean organize lots and lots of things.... but things I would think of could be talking to his relatives, tell them I am about to leave him, ask if they could help him a bit, talking to friends, give him the number of helplines he can phone and so on.

I say go. The safety net already exists, you've tried to steer him towards it, he wasn't having any. If it is purely down to MH rather than being an awkward sod - the two are not mutually exclusive - he may not be able to help it, but that doesn't make it any easier to live with. Clearly having you to look after him hasn't made him any better, so is there any point continuing to flog this dead horse?

To declare an interest, I left someone with pretty obvious depression and Issues after 25 years, at a similar age to you. Funnily enough I didn't find the strength to leave; I ran out of the strength to hold it together, and oh, the relief when I let it all go! Guess what: he survived.

Leave. You've given him enough years.

Hi Gim - LEAVE HIM - he’s more anusive than mental health!!!
You are not responsible for HIM.
Once you can see and accept this it will be easier.
He can work full time, has structure, earns a living and he socialises with his colleagues.
You’ve given him enough emotionally and financially.
Have you looked up FOG - “fear obligation and guilt” - you may find it useful.
Please also get what is financially owed to you.
If you don’t you will regret this down the line.
🌺

Thanks everyone for the replies.

We’ve got great friends that would be a support for him, and I can encourage him to use his councilling.

Yes it’s depression, has tried various medications, all much the same. I don’t know what he says to his gp or vice Versa but it’s never got any better and the last 5 years have been especially miserable. I’m a boiled frog.

With regards to co dependency, I didn’t know anything about it until recently, I’m going to explore that. Obviously when I married him I loved him very much. I know the stonewalling and huffing isn’t normal because I’ve not had that example, but I obviously just hoped we could work it out. I’ve realised if it wasn’t for my dog I wouldn’t get any affection or contact at all.
Right that’s probably enough wallowing for one day!

to the other posters who have been in similar positions. A permanent state of crisis management sums it up well.

I'm afraid I am enormously cynical about people who are able to behave perfectly well in certain significant situations, like the workplace, but act like twats at home. There has to be an element of choice about that, and as grown ups they should be able to recognise their twattish behaviour at home and seek - and engage with - help for it. If they aren't doing that, nothing will ever change.

^ this!

So true, if he can behave differently when required - he is in control and doesn't really give a shit about the impact on you, it is really selfish behaviour, he is indulging himself, I put up with this crap for years, now separated, he is perfectly capable of being a great guy with his new girlfriend

ConfusedWife1234

All the things you mention the OP doing for a "safety net" are all things he can and should be doing for himself. It's still making the OP be responsible for his wellbeing.

Harsh, but true, speaking as someone who left a relationship with an abusive person who also has depression.

Confusedwife - even if he turned into Viagra personified now I’m not interested. His behaviour and attitude towards me has eroded any confidence I had in myself, and any attraction I had to him. I’ve had years of rejection, and I’d rather take the dog for a walk now

Pinkcherryblossom - thank you. You’re absolutely right.