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Original poster

Friendship bit of a one way street

18 replies

taramac · 17/08/2004 21:15

Just wanting a bit of advice. I have a friend who has 3 kids under 4 and is due with the 4th any minute. Her household and kids are very hectic. Kids are lovely but extremely chaotic - constantly on the go, eating etc. Very different from my 2 ds's. During our friendship I have looked after her 3 a lot and find it very stressful.

Recently she decided to go back to work briefly as needed more money coming in for new house. She asked me if I would consider having the kids 3 days a week. I said I would think about it. However she thought I had agreed and there ensued an awkward phone call wher eI had to explain that I hadn't agreed - just wanted some time to think about it. Things were strained for a while between us but seemed to have settled down. Its not just me that finds her kids too much everyone else thinks so and even if she is with them you end up babysitting them iykwim.

Anyyway she has just left a phone message tonight looking for someone to take the kids tommorow in case she goes into hospital - not sure whats happening as she isn't due for 2 weeks. She says its highly unlikely she will go in but just in case. It sounds awful but I really don't want to do it - I find it so stressful but I don't know how to say no in this situation. My dp is off on hols too and we are going away on Sat so lots to sort outtoo. She does have a lot of friends but she always seems to rely on me -aaagh - advice please. Sorry its so long.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 17/08/2004 21:19

I would just be straight and say that if she goes into labour of course you would help but that you have lots of sorting out to do for holidays. You really have to put yourself first!
Maybe if she realises that you are not such a soft touch she will lay off a bit?
Good luck

tammybear · 17/08/2004 21:21

tough situation taramac. I have a friend who does the same. Asks me to do things for her, but wont do things for me, not even meet up. If I were you I would either just say Im too busy sorting out for the holiday, or leave a message and just Im really sorry but I wont be able to. Not really great advice sorry. Hopefully, someone else will come up with a better suggestion then me. xxx

Pacific · 17/08/2004 21:30

Could you maybe just be gently honest with her and say that you find the kids a bit of a handful, then soften the blow by offering to take one or at the most, two of her kids? Maybe another friend would take the third one?

unicorn · 17/08/2004 21:38

No, she's asking too much.. she knows the score if she has already had 3.. she must have a list of people she can call upon to help out, what happened when she had number 3 for example?
Think you will have to cool this relationship, if it's all one way - well it aint a relationship is it?.. (well not the sort most people want to be in!)

edam · 17/08/2004 21:38

Tough one especially as you don't know why she's going into hospital ... does she know you will be in tonight? The really bad way out is just not to return the call and pretend you were out all night (round at family? kids kept you so busy you didn't have a chance to look at the answerphone?).
Like Pacific's suggestion of sharing the load with someone else - three boisterous kids are a LOT to take on as well as your own.
Good luck!

tammybear · 17/08/2004 21:43

does she have family she can ask?

jampot · 17/08/2004 21:45

taramac - you sound so like I used to be. Not a week went by but one of my "friends" would ask me to have their children just while they popped to an appointment/shops etc /pick up from/drop off to school. I'd think to myself "well I am going to/collecting my own from school" and "it can be really hard trying to shop/speak to doctor with little ones listening". One day I was stuck at work and only managed to leave at school finish time. I frantically tried all my "friends" mobile numbers to no avail (even though I know they all carry them). I ended up having to ring the school and ask if they could hold on to the children until I got there (actually this did happen more than once but still my friends weren't able to repay the favours). I then just started saying no or I'm busy and now no-one asks. I would be inclined to say no to your friend. She must have others she can ask. Explain she can call on you in a crisis when all else has failed but you really have got lots to do and would worry about them hurting themselves as you wouldn't be able to supervise properly. Good luck

Twiglett · 17/08/2004 21:48

message withdrawn

Original poster

taramac · 17/08/2004 21:52

Unicorn - when she had number 3 I looked after her 2 dd's!! I think she is oblivious to how I feel and although I know she would probably help me I would never dream of asking her - think she has enough on her plate.

I think I am just going to leve it until the morning and see if she rings again - I know its cowardly but am crap at saying no especially if she has no one else. She does have a lot of friends and family but I know her sil is working tommorow and most of our mutual friends are away. None of my other friends and myself really babysit for each other like this and she does seem to rely on me for it but then I am left out of other things which hurts my feelings.

Thanks guys -I just needed to hear other peoples opinions. My dp thinks she takes the p**s and he finds the kids absolutely manic when they are here - you have to watch them constantly - seriously I have never seen kids like them!

OP posts:

unicorn · 17/08/2004 21:54

taramac- you are just tooo nice.
Stop it now (sorry I'm hormonal!!!
Time to think about your own kids....and your family, fraid it's cruel, but if it isn't a 2 way operation, than it is taking the proverbial.. so I agree with your dh.

Twiglett · 17/08/2004 21:58

message withdrawn

tallulah · 18/08/2004 09:15

The one time I had to work at short notice I farmed my (then) 3 kids out to 3 different people!

taramac, I agree with what everyone else has said but one thing I would say is please make it clear to her that you don't want to do it, rather than be airy fairy maybe.

Not quite the same situation but I had a bf in my teens who would promise to do something/go somewhere then cry off at the very last minute. Every time. (She said later she was scared of saying no to me!! )

Similarly my ILs used to agree to babysit our dog then ring up the day before to say they couldn't. There is nothing more frustrating than thinking your arrangements are all in place then being cancelled at the last minute when you haven't got time to make alternative arrangements. I would far rather bf & ILs had said no from the start than yes ok, oh dear we can't.

Just say no, then everyone knows where they stand

Fio2 · 18/08/2004 09:21

taramac, I used to have a friend exactly the same!!! Her kids used to wreck and the looking after them wasnt as bad as the tidying up after and I am not a very tidy person anyway. She even asked me to sit her kids the day I was moving house!

But.....I would watch them whilst she goes into hospital but once this baby is born you need to start windling down how many times you watch them, she is going to have to start coping on her own Im afraid. i agree with your husband, she is taking the piss

Original poster

taramac · 18/08/2004 11:53

Well I phones this morning to have the painter answer the phone!! So I am a bit confused as to what happening. I know Hugh(the painter) so asked where everyone was - he said all was fine -they weren't at the hospital and were away for the day to be out of his way.

Am annoyed because I stressed about this last night and had psyched myself up to be strong with her and now this has happened and she's obviously gone off for the day oblivious to the message she left me causing any concern.

Tallulah I wouldn't cry off at last minute as thats not right but I really thought she had understood after we nearly fell out over babysitting for her kids when she went back to work. I made it clear I wanted to think about it and she heard me saying yes! It wasn't until a week had gone by and I hadn't heard from her that I realised she thought I was doing it. I had to explain that it was the summer hols and I didn't want to be tied to the house 3 days a week - its not fair on my kids either. Plus my dp takes 5 weeks off in the summer (which she knows about) so I didn't want to waste our holidays.

sorry you can tell I am p**sed off - I think I am going to have to have it out with her. I really don't think she will 'get' it though.

OP posts:

Kayleigh · 18/08/2004 12:04

agree with your dh. she is totally taking the p*ss. and she is taking you for granted.

the very least she could have done is call you this morning and explained the change of plans. How dare she !!

you have to start saying no to her - or she is just going to carry on using you (sorry if that's harsh, but that is what she is doing )

Blu · 18/08/2004 12:04

Taramac, did she want you to haev 3 kids, 3 days a week unpaid, as a favour?
Blimey!
Sounds as if you need to be less afraid of being clear and assertive , and she needs a bit of a reality check on the difference between friendship and taking people for granted.

coppertop · 18/08/2004 12:09

She really is taking the p*ss, expecting you to look after her children 3 days a week so that she can have a better house! Presumably she wouldn't be paying you the going rate either?

Original poster

taramac · 18/08/2004 12:12

In fairness she would have paid me for the 3 days but tbh no money would have been enough to have been stuck in her house for 3 days a week with her 3 kids. Sorry that sounds bitchy but its true - I realise I will have to clarify more than I have that I don't want to be a babysitting service! Thanks.

OP posts:

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