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Original poster

Wanting to see his daughter after 11 years

17 replies

bumbling · 03/08/2018 14:39

I have been having a pretty rough week with the breakdown of a relationship and how my dd's father has contacted me after 11 years. He has never seen her and had had no input in her life. He was that one stupid mistake you make when you were young and doesn't deserve to be her father, she is a great kid. There is no way I can allow access I am really afraid of him. I have said I will let the decision up to her and get back to him. Am I wrong to not tell her this? If he was a normal person I would think he deserves a second chance but the life he leads is so far apart from me and my dd I really don't think introducing them is the right thing. He also wants the three of us to be together which is a whole other problem and I think shows his true motivation here.

OP posts:

Unicornmammy · 03/08/2018 14:44

Fully understand you wanting to protect her and not tell her... mothers instincts and all that. But have you ever discussed possibilities of this happening with her, is this something she would want?
11years tho is a disgrace, too little too late IMO

Aprilshowersinjuly · 03/08/2018 14:47

My ex showed his stupid face when dd was 21 after 19 years nc!! Cf!!
Only when dd found him.
I told her at 16 his details after he walked away, my choice to wait til then. She has no regrets he wasn't around and no negative feelings towards me for not telling her sooner.
You as the one doing the parenting get to decide when she sees him again. Not him.

Pinkgeorge · 03/08/2018 14:50

Is he on the birth cert?

Original poster

bumbling · 03/08/2018 15:06

No he isn't on the birth cert. I have brought it up to her hypothetically and she was a bit upset and said she wouldn't ever want to see him but then said she didn't know. She is too young to understand the danger of letting someone like him into our lives. I am planning on telling him she said no and hope he accepts that and goes away. My fear is that he just turns up, which is possible because he is very volatile. This has been my worst nightmare since she was born but after 11 years I honestly never thought he would get in contact it's all been a bit of a shock.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersinjuly · 03/08/2018 15:20

I got a phone call off ex when dd was about 7- I told him I would be telling dd about him in my own time and would not be bullied. Tell him you will seek legal advice to keep him away should he continue to harrass you. As he isn't on the bc he would have to apply to court for dna tests and PR. Given he has made no contact at for all this time I doubt he would convince a judge to go against your wishes. By the time he got anywhere in court your dd's wishes and feelings would be taken into account also.
Block him is my advice.

Original poster

bumbling · 03/08/2018 15:37

This isn't really a person who takes the law into any sort of consideration. I know he would never apply to court to see her. my worry is him just turning up. He also wouldn't care if I had a restraining order and would just violate it and keep coming back. So far other than trying to convince me to get back with him it has remained calm. I just want to keep it that way and hopefully he will accept it when I say dd doesn't want to see him.

OP posts:

Butterflykissess · 03/08/2018 15:40

Difficult one as im in a similar situation although it hasnt been as long. I can totally understand you not telling her but morally I think you should, You dont want her to be upset with you when shes older if she ever found out. He may contact her in a few years when shes older and uses social media then you wont be able to stop it. Hard though.

SmileSweetly · 03/08/2018 15:44

Morally I think you need to tell her, even if you steer her towards the decision you want her to make.

If I was in her shoes and in years to come found out you'd kept this from me, I would never forgive you.

I know it's very difficult, but it is very wrong to lie to her and him.

Original poster

bumbling · 03/08/2018 15:49

I agree with you both morally I should tell her. In the interest of keeping her safe I can't see how they could have contact. He is very dangerous I have never met a person who is not afraid of him. I had to make up a pretend boyfriend to keep him and bay and he has already threatened to find him and knock all his teeth back his throat. I wish he was a normal decent person and I could allow contact gradually and be fair to everyone.

OP posts:

Butterflykissess · 03/08/2018 15:51

Tbf its 11 years he could be a different person now. As I said he will probably just contact her through SM in a few years.

Rebecca36 · 03/08/2018 16:00

I understand how you feel bumbling but he may be different to how he was all those years ago. I believe he deserves a second chance if your daughter would like to meet him. The first few meetings could include you, that would be sensible.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 16:05

Actually I’m going to go against the grain here and say no, go with your instincts.

He can’t just rock up more than halfway through her childhood and turn everything upside down on a whim. It’s not fair to your DD.

He can wait until she’s 18 ffs, he’s left it this long.

I may be projecting incidentally, I’m adopted and if a man turned up on my doorstep claiming to be my dad he’d get short shrift from me!

But I think you’re right OP, your instinct is to protect your child. Go with that.

Harriedharriet · 03/08/2018 16:09

Morally I think you need to tell her, even if you steer her towards the decision you want her to make.

If I was in her shoes and in years to come found out you'd kept this from me, I would never forgive you.

I know it's very difficult, but it is very wrong to lie to her and him.

NO IT IS NOT AND NO YOU DON'T.

You are afraid of this man. He could/will most likely upend her life you absolutely DO NOT HAVE TO TELL HER.
If he is anything like you are implying you, MORALLY, you have to protect her from him.
At a later stage, with the full facts at her disposal she can and will work it out.
Follow your instincts.

Harriedharriet · 03/08/2018 16:10

REBECCA read what the OP is saying. He ignores the law and everybody is afraid of him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/08/2018 16:16

"There is no way I can allow access I am really afraid of him. I have said I will let the decision up to her and get back to him".

Your DD at 11 is far too young to be leaving such a decision to her so you must make the decision for her instead. Continue to protect your child from such malign influences.

How did he manage to contact you in the first place; have you had the same number all this time?.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 03/08/2018 16:19

Morally you need to protect your dd not hand her over to a violent stranger...

rainingcatsanddog · 03/08/2018 16:22

Are you safe OP? Does he know your address, your dd's school etc?

I'm assuming that dd can't/doesn't know the full truth about her Dad so is not in the position to make an informed decision. I think that I'd have to tell her that he'd made contact but promise to help her meet him when she's older (16? 18? ) only if she wants.

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