Partner wanting to leave me and baby

[Mummytoie]

Hi! First time posting here

A bit of background first: I live abroad, with my partner of 4 years, who is a native of the country. 5.5 months ago I gave birth to our daughter. It was a really traumatic birth - 4 day failed induction followed by an emergency c section under general anaesthetic, with heavy haemorrhaging afterwards. Although I suffered from some anxiety in the year preceding my pregnancy, I wasn’t prepared for how badly I would be hit in the first few months! I found the transition to motherhood (first child) incredibly difficult emotionally and ended up on medication for postnatal depression/anxiety. My partner was for the most part very understanding, though never very vocal (he never is, whereas I’m very much one to talk through things) and didn’t ever ask much how I was feeling/whether I was feeling better etc. I’ve been to one session with a therapist and have more on the cards. However, I have really felt that it’s time to move back to England and be close to my family, something which my partner has been very enthusiastic about. So we have a house lined up (grandmother’s house because she has moved to a nursing home), though will be giving up jobs here to chance it back home. We have been having lots of rows which I feel relate to my mental state, in that he feels I’m too controlling of how our daughter should be looked after. The thing is (and this therapist, a native of the country, agrees with me!), parenting seems to be very laidback here - you just sort of have a child willy nilly and see how it turns out! Whereas I’m keen to be much more focused and engaged with bringing up our daughter - not pushy I might add, just involved haha! Whereas my partner is very much just ‘oh everything’ll Be fine’. Which to some extent I admire, but I for example feel it’s important to read to her, whereas he doesn’t. Sometimes the words lazy parenting come to mind! The other day, I casually said that I expected that he would give up vaping when our daughter is older so as not to negatively influence her. He got very angry and said I couldn’t tell him what to do; which I apologised for and explained the panic that grips me as part of this post natal anxiety when it comes to her wellbeing. He however is now saying that we should break up because I’m clearly too controlling and that there is imbalance in the relationship. He seems all too happy to send us both off packing back to England without him; whereas although I acknowledge that dealing with maternal mental health can’t be easy for him either, he should be perhaps allowing me a bit more slack. I don’t know whether to just think ‘oh maybe this isn’t working and I can do better alone without having to constantly fight for him to feel some enthusiasm about parenting’, and also feeling that I shouldn’t fight against his wishes too much. On the other hand, I obviously want the best for or daughter and few she deserves for her parents to make more of an effort to stay together during an understandable rough patch...

Did you ever discuss attitudes to child rearing before you decided to have a child?

Surely there's some compromise to be reached between "too laid back" and "over involved"?

Or is this just a symptom of a bigger issue?

Just to add that we have already given notice on our flat here, so the move to England is imminent whether it be just me and the baby or him as well. Another thing that has got me very worked up inside and confused about what to do is that two weeks ago we had an argument (about sleep - our daughter is still waking up 3-4 times during the night and I’m breastfeeding!) and he, then and there at midnight, stormed out (despite no actual shouting) and went to his parents’ house for the weekend and just got drunk on the Saturday night (I found out later), with not one word to ask how I or our daughter was or whether I was coping alone or anything. He was gone for 3 nights then just walked back in with no apology or anything, as if nothing had happened!

Well this is the thing, he has another older child, and he doesn’t get on with the mother but always saw the child. But recently he’s been annoyed that the child (who’s 14) hasn’t been in much contact and now seems to have just cut off contact with the child? Which of course makes me a bit suspicious that he can do something like that (I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he says he’ll get in touch with his son when he wants to). But yes, I made it clear how I wanted to parent before we conceived and he seemed on board but since her birth seems to have just regressed into his usual very very laidback mode. It just irritates me how sort of uninvolved and impractical he is being with our daughter. And like I say, I’m sure I’m partly to blame because of the postnatal problems, but I really have been trying to deal with my anxiety (and we both agree I’ve got much better since she was first born! Prob thanks to the medication!)

The more you say about him, the more I think you'll be better off without him!

If he's acting like that in his own country (pissing off/getting drunk/ignoring parental responsibilities etc), he will resent you for making him move home and get even worse.

But I think moving back to your family is an excellent move for you and baby. You will receive so much more support. He is an arse and you and baby are better off without.

Do whatever you can - let it go until you are back home. The last thing you want is to be stuck in his country until your DD is 18.

Haha thank you! It’s so nice to feel I’m not the only one who thinks I’m a twat! I feel a bit ashamed of having a baby and getting into big problems so early on so haven’t spoken to family or friends back home about it and I don’t really have anyone here! I think I’m mostly just terrified of being alone, and it comes as a bit of a shock cos I never saw myself ending up in this position! Not sure I’m terrified of not being with him specifically, I suspect as I say it’s just being alone that scares me!

Imo go now while he is telling you to! If things turn bad he can stop you taking your dc out of the country and then you wil be truly fooked.
Get packing!

I think you might be right! Any chance you know what situation would be if I moved back alone regarding custody? If we have shared custody here but we break up and I move back alone, so I assume full custody in UK?

I think you should keep quiet , get yourself and your child home, register her for a British passport, settle into your gran’s house. I’d be worried that he will be funny about moving if you kick up a fuss. Get home and have that support network before you kick off with anything else.

Be nice and get yourself back to England. This relationship is over I am sorry to say. It does not sound like you are remotely compatible to frank and have very different views.

Your family and friends will be delighted you are home (and maybe not as surprised as you think that it did not work out with dp) you have the option of starting again I would take it with both hands.

Apply for a British passport for your baby and see how you feel. If he want to join you then with some time to reflect you can make that decision once you are home.

You are vulnerable actually whilst you are there, with no support network. So just play things down and leave quietly and without a fuss or telling him your plans. He could make it difficult for you.

I'm on the fence, and id respond as the others had, if it hadn't been for your example that you "expect" him to give up vaping when your child is older.

So I suspect he has a point in thr controlling aspect, which makes me wonder if he really is laid back or if this is more you're uptight due to ongoing mental health issues. For example I wouldn't see it as important to read to a five month old. Play, talk, sing,whatever, but I certainly never told my husband he had to read to our five month old. Nice to do, but not exactly well up there at five months or something I'd dictate and I wasn't a laid back parent.

So I'm not sure what I'd advise, but I'd maybe think is this really he is too laid back, or is this more you're over controlling due to ongoing mental health issues.

It's only been five months though, so the fact he's out so quickly is concerning.

Sorry I should have been clearer - I meant to write that I ‘expected that he would want to’, which he took to mean that I was telling him to, which wasn’t quite what was happening (though I suppose I was implying it so just semantics really!). But yes, I think you probably are right in saying he has a point about me being controlling. I think it stems from a very very deep and overprotective feeling (NOT a fun or nice feeling for me to have, I might add) that I am constantly worried about my daughter. As I say, this is not a way I choose to feel and I wish I was more relaxed but the post natal anxiety has well and truly gripped me! But I am working through that with this therapist and I suppose I’d like him to be a bit more supportive and realise it takes time and that I have improved already; in the same way that if he was going through mental health issues then although it would inevitably be hard for me too, I would stick by him!

Very sage advice, thank you!

You’re right, I think first things first is to without a fuss, get the hell back to England!! Thank you so much for advice!

As an aside to those saying to get my daughter a British passport - is there a specific benefit for her to have a British passport? (Absolutely planning on doing it, just wondering whether it will make me/her more secure). Does anyone know how it works if he and I have shared custody here, but I move back alone to England (she is not registered there at the moment but I will do that plus get the passport!), will I get full custody in England if he stays in Iceland, despite us having shared custody in Iceland? Or do I need to get him to agree to official full custody in Iceland before I can get full custody in England (if I go down that route!)?

You are feeling over protective because you have described the environment there as being not especially safe for your baby. Most of us are very protective of our babies, but when you add in the very real feeling that it is all 'too relaxed' there then you anxiety could simply be stemming from:

1. A lack of proper support for you and your baby from family and friends
2. A lack of support from professionals possibly
3. Language barriers and different ways of raising children
4. An unsympathetic partner who clearly hasn't understood this is hard for you being away from home

Anyone would feel like you.

It would not surprise me one bit if once you are settled in granny's house and are surrounded by your home comforts and a safe environment for your baby that your mental health improves no end.

I suspect your family will be more relieved than anything to have you both home and safe. (I would be worried sick if this was my dd)

Fly back to England, register your baby as a duel national British plus whatever country and registered in England. Once this is done, then you can discuss custody.

Proceed cautiously ensuring the baby is registered fully in England first. You can take proper advice once you are here about arrangements.

Sounds stupid but your post has really opened something up in me - I suddenly got a eureka moment of thinking that you’re totally right that I DO think things would improve hugely mental health wise if I’m back around my friends and family, back in my ‘real life’ as it were. Been living abroad since I finished university 6 years ago and it has struck me recently that it is very easy to get caught up in a romantic idea of living abroad in a world which isn’t really your real life! Back to England it is! Thank you so much - think you really speak a lot of truth in your post, and a great part of feeling terrified of being alone without my partner is this anxiety that has probably partly developed due to not only postnatal stuff but also just to living abroad with no family nearby!

That's interesting you're in Iceland, I understand it is culturally different there, I think it has the highest proportion of single mothers anywhere. About 70 percent, and they have a culture of independent motherhood.

So yes you may have hit a cultural barrier here, that coupled with your anxiety going so far the other way, means you can't meet in the middle. Even if you both move towards each other, you're still a million miles apart.

I'm not sure a change in geography will change that it I'm honest. It's also probably why he's fine with you going alone back to the U.K.

Yes very very high percentage of single mothers! Which I think also feeds into this attitude I was talking about of having children quite willy nilly; because it’s a small country and family is always very close geographically (most of the country live around the capital region), so I think in their mentality, having children doesn’t seem like much of a ‘big deal’ and breeds a very laidback attitude. Which as I say is all well and good if you have family and friends here but if you don’t and you don’t feel very immersed in the society (which I don’t, despite living here for 6 years and speaking the language and working etc), then it’s not much use! Think my mindset isn’t quite ‘icelandic’ enough!

Yes, I think you've got two opposites attract here. He may have been willing to move towards your view of parent hood, and your view of parenthood has Maybe taken a more extreme turn, the examples you set are telling, reading to a five month old, expecting him to stop vaping. These aren't biggies, not in real life, so I suspect youre poles apart and culturally he sees no issue with you being in England on your own, as an independent mother.

It's very likely the perfect storm. Cultural differences meeting mental health issues. I'm not sure how you get round it to be honest,