Am I being Over the top with dh?

[VickyLou]

Hi All,
Yesterday I had a bit of a scare, having really bad chest pains also pains going down my arm. I am 16 weeks pregnant and was a bit worried. Posted regarding this on the Pregnancy thread, advised to go to A&E.

Spoke to manager who said I could go early so that I could get this checked out. Then rang DH who had his mobile turned off!!, kept trying but to no avail, in the end I rand my DB who came and picked me up (I dont drive) and DB took me first to my mams and then on to A&E.

While at my mams house my DH called and asked what the problem was, very short with me as if I had put him out in some way!!!!
I told what the prob was with the chest pains and that I am going to A&E, all he said to me was 'Oh ok, I'll pick you up from your mams after I have been to Karate'
I was a bit shocked as thought that maybe he might actually want to be with me while I was at the hospital.

Anyway everything checked out ok on the ECG, heartbeat a bit fast and BP quite high but other than that generally ok.

Went back to my Mams to wait for DH, I think my mum must have said something to him, when he came in as he came upstairs to the office where I was on the internet and started shouting at me about how unreasonable I am being!!!! I just sat there and didn't say a word, I didn't get a chance to get a word in edgeways more likely.

I have noticed these last few weeks that although in alot of ways he is avery good DH, does alot of household chores (He is currently unemployed) but still its better than nothing. I have noticed that he doesn't want to talk about the baby or anything regarding it, so I dont talk o him about it. I talk to friend and work colleuges, but I thought I would be able to at least chat to him about it, not a serious talk or anything but a general chat.
I dont think he wants this baby anymore, he is acting like a 5 year old, worse, like a child who cant have all the attention.

I am wrong to feel a bit peed off that he did this and has been the way he has towards me?

I dont know what to do.
My friend said to maybe go and stay at my mums for a few days and get out of his way as it may make him see. But I know my DH, if something doesn't affect him in apossitive way at that very said moment then he doesn't want to know.

What do I do??????????????????????

Sorry it so long.

XX

Hi VickLou,

Is it possible that your DH is panicking a bit over being a Dad? This is not an excuse for his behaviour, but it could be an explanation.
It sounds like he is burying his head in the sand a bit and trying to carry on as normal but obviously he can't do this for long as sooner or later the baby will arrive and change everything (in a very good way)
Perhaps sit down when you are both relaxed and talk about how things will change and why this is a good thing in a very casual, non-confrontational manner? Try expressing any concerns you have and it might open the way for him to have a chat about his worries.
Possibly he is worried about money too as he is not working and you will have to take mat leave for a bit etc. Or it could be something else, men do pick odd things to worry about during pregnancy...

If it's not this then he needs to just grow up and be there for you though!!!

Sorry to hear you're having probs Vicky and glad the scare was only a scare.
Bumping for someone more experienced but it sounds to me like DH is having probs getting his head round you being pg. Is he usually mature about things?
Have you been married long? was the pg planned?

Dh has always been quite supportive and reasonably mature in some senses not others.

The pregnancy was planned, he acctually brought it up to start trying. We have been married for 3 years and together for 10.

I'm not sure if he is worried about money, tbh the thought had crossed my mind, but he still spends money on his hobbies (Karate, music equipment such as guitars, expensive music mags, comics but he calls them graffic novels) and non essential items like theres no tommorow, Here I am desperate for a hair cut, but cant afford it cos he is being so selfish. But maybe its me, maybe I cant see past it all.

He complained about being tired the other weekend as I had asked him to take me to do the food shopping quite early, 9am ish, and I thought just you wait till baby gets here, and well you try being fecking preggers and still be main bread winner and do all nasty household jobs like cleaning the bathroom and see how tired you are mate. But didn't say it out loud!!!!!

I really dont know what to do, I want away from him for a bit to get my head straight.

My dh wouldn't really speak about the baby when I was pg. His aunt once asked him why he came to all my appointments with me & he said "because she wants me to". That shocked me, tbh...he should be coming because he wanted to.

Eventually I left him, convinced he didn't want the baby. I wasn't wanted & I wasn't going to let my baby go through what I went through. But I missed him, so we got together & chatted about stuff....I was back home in 6 weeks.

Turns out he did want the baby, more than anything, but he was so scared. Scared something would happen to the both of us, but couldn't voice it as he felt he had to strong for me. He didn't discuss the baby as a way of stopping any potential pain, should something happen.

I know your dh has treated you badly & that is unforgivable. But I think you need to try & find out why he was so off with you. Pregnancy can have odd effects on us & the fathers.

Hi Fio Fio,
Tbh, it had crossed my mind that maybe he was feeling a bit put out as hes not able to support me, and although he is waiting to hear about starting a PGCE (Teacher Traning) course, he isn't even looking for work even part time work.

I love him to bits and I know I dont sound like I do on this thread, but I do.

He has really upset me, he hasn't even looked my way, so to say, in weeks and wont talk to me abot anything. If I ask him how his day has been, he says fine and thats the end of that, I try to make convo but get nothing back and I have since stopped trying.
He never asks how I am or how my day was, putting the baby asside he wont talk full stop, all he does is play guitar, and watch tv.
I expected a little bit more from marriage, our relationship was lovely before we got wed but now I feel like I'm in his way. I dont think he wants me any more let alone the baby. Just wish he would say so so that I can deal with it and move on. Or maybe it is my hormones!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Sandcastles,
I did say to my DH that if he wanted to come to the appt's with me he could but he doesn't have to, and that it is up to him. He does come but does nothing but moan about having to, I told him he doesn't have to but he doesn't listen.

BLOODY MEN!!!! LOL!
Thank you all for your support.

I think some men find it hard to adapt to the idea of their partner having a baby, and the thought of them no longer being the most important part of their partner?s life. When people talk about trying for a baby it is all that, talk, but once pregnancy actually happens it?s suddenly a reality, there is going to be a baby, and that reality can be very scary.

Also some men don?t relate to the baby in the same way as their partner. The partner is pregnant, feeling the hormones, having the symptoms, but in those first few months before the father can feel the baby move he doesn?t feel connected to it in the same way as his partner.

IMO you should sit down and have a talk to your dh, in a non confrontational kind of way, explain to him that although you are going to be parents, it doesn?t mean that you love him any less, but that you?re finding it difficult juggling everything, but that you want him to be able to talk to you about things that are bothering him, eg being unemployed and whether he feels inadequate perhaps. Perhaps you could go out for a meal and have a chat, so that it?s less likely to end up in confrontation if you?re in a restaurant.

Having a baby is a scary time for everyone. Your lives are going to change for ever, and it?s just possible that your dh is finding the prospect of that very scary. Doesn?t necessarily mean he doesn?t want you any more though, but you do need to talk about it, because the longer you let it slide, the worse it is likely to be.

was your dd ok?

Hi Wannabe,
I think you are so right, I dont know if I can talk to him at the minute though, cos I am still angry with him, but will try in a few days maybe. Give myself chance to calm down first, get it straight in my head then at least I know what I am gonna say.

I think that maybe I ma being a bit selfish and just focusing on me at the mo. Maybe why he is being this way!!

Thank you.
XX

What do you guys think to maybe writing it down in a letter to him, Too childish or not????

Writing is a very good way of working out how you feel and why you feel it. Be prepared to not send the first draft, it may be quite vitriolic if you're annoyed with him.
It sounds to me like he's feeling like he's life is on hold at the moment - waiting fro PGCE and waiting for the baby. Most men don't like feeling this powerless esp if he's not trying to work (how are you getting by financially by the way?).
Just a thought.
I am sure you'll be able to sort this out

Hi PinkMartni (Love the namw btw)
I work full time and have paid all our joint debts off, there were only a couple so not to bad. We dont reallhave any major outgoings other than the mortgage, but responsible house buying means we only have a small mortgage. We get by, just, on what I bring in.

It's so out of character for him to be worried about anything, sometimes he is so laid back it is unreal, maybe it has hit him harder than he thought it would. I know I didn't realize how hard being pregnant was gonna be, it's not like I expected it to be easy, but it seems to one thing after another. Dont know weather to laugh or cry, probably laugh as I am starting to feel better now.

XX

Glad you like my name - I'm not sure what to do about it as you can see here
as I think it' a bit long.
Anyway, I am glad you're feeling better. I think that it's better to cool off. Pregnancy isn't easy (from what I hear) and if he's laid back about things maybe it's just that he's not got his head round everything.
Perhaps make a list of the things you're worried about about the change the baby will bring and what you can do together to make it work?
Sounds like you just need to talk to him.
Good luck.

dh was like that too...I was sent to hospital as I had had protien for 4 weeks. We sat waiting for ages (45 mins) & he was ranting away...no wonder my bp was way too high.

I would have to catch the train home heavily pg, after working late but he wouldn't let me walk on our kitchen floor in socks.

He was an odd fellow when I was pg..like if he never mentioned the baby, we couldn't get hurt, nothing would go wrong.

The thing is, when we found out I had pre-eclampsia (35 weeks) & needed to have baby (36 weeks) he came into his own. Like all his fears were gone because he knew we needed him. He couldn't do enough for me.

I hope you manage to get something from him, I am sure he is suffering from nothing more then worries & like my dh, just kept them to himself.

Hiya! I agree that it could be the prospect of a baby which I found very daunting first time around and am still finding scary from time to time this time around. If you are the main breadwinner, perhaps he is worried about losing your income whilst you are on maternity leave? I never realised how costly it was going to be to us as a couple (and me in particular) to take 6 months maternity leave. Definitely write a letter. Try not to say that HE is making you feel like x, but when he does this, it make you feel like s. Takes the accusatorial tone out, according to Relate anyway!!

Thank you all so so so so much for all your advice. I must admit being at work today and getting it in to the open I have calmed down loads now. I am gonna have a think about what to put in the letter, and hopefuly he will open up to me a bit. Cos if he is scared, so am terified, excited but god I am so terified.

XX