What’s going on?

[Elizabeth245]

I’ve been in an LDR for around 4 years. It was love and first sight and the connection we had was amazing. My SO is a few years younger then me and we were waiting until he got the job he wanted before we would move in together. The fortunate thing was with the job he wanted, he could get a transfer anywhere across the country. But 4 years went by, we saw each other at the weekend and it was great but I always wanted more, and nothing seemed to move forward. He talked about his desire to move in and was excited (it was all he used to talk about). He would text to say we should start saving/making plans etc but when it came to it and we started looking he said he just couldn’t do it. He had ‘too much to give up’ where he lived and was scared to make the move. I was devastated. We split up but he was still the one I wanted. I truly believed he was he one and tried to discuss various options so that we could move half way, or I would move to him. He said he just needed space as his head was all over the place since we split up and he didn’t know what he was thinking, his was was a mess but that he still loved me.

We went no contact for a few weeks and I text to see how he was and asked if we could work this out together. He didn’t reply but was on various other social media accounts (which hurt to know I was so low down on his priority list). He messaged to say he still didn’t know what was going on and said I should just go and find someone else and find happiness. But the truth is, how can I? I gave him everything, we had a really great loving relationship. We had fun, we trusted one another, we’re fairhful, he would tell me how happy he was. So for all of this to happen, I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach repeatedly. He has totally changed, he isn’t warm or kind or compassionate, he is really different and it just seems to have happened in such a short space of time. He says there is nobody else but how can I believe that when everything he has said has all turned out to be false. I’m finding it hard to move on because I never pictured my life or my future without him in it. But realise I cannot fight for a relationship that is one sided.

I'm really sorry OP. There probably is someone else. But at the same time you were in a relationship he was never really committed to. The LDR suited him because it was part time. He never intended to leave his home town.

You don't need to wait until one partner gets a particular job if you really want to be together.

Sorry you're going through a rough time OP.

Two sayings that come to mind "talk is cheap" and "actions speak louder than words".

I wouldn't get in touch anymore. You'll get through this. Try and focus on yourself and your interests. Do you have anyone in RL to talk to. If not keep talking on here. Lots of people have been through similar, you aren't on your own. Take care.

It was the best relationship I had been in. I’ve been in some really awful ones so valued what we had. I put a lot into the LDR. We seemed to be on the same page and wanted the same things. He was so kind, gentle, considerate and funny then all of a sudden after all of these years, he changes completely in a matter of weeks. I thought we could work through anything together. He is a different person, I feel I don’t know him. Which is really scary.

Sorry this has happened, OP.

Can I ask how old are you both?

Sounds like either it has just dwindled out for him, or he has started seeing someone else closer to home.

I know it hurts, but block him and move on.

If the best relationship you've ever been and is an LDR with someone who made excuses not to move in together, and strung you alone for 4 years, then the bar must be set quite low.

I don't think this man has changed, I think you just took the relationship at face value and failed to read the signs. You spent 4 years wanting more and yet he never gave it. That is because the relationship suited him exactly as it was - part time - and he didn't want more.

Actions speak louder than words. He was funny and charming and considerate on the surface, but displayed no consideration indeed no real investment in his actions.

Sorry OP I think if you focus on what he's told/telling you with his actions in particular it may help to lift the rose tinted glasses. He's not committed in this relationship and you sound like a great girlfriend who will find a great guy. You need to move on from this one though as he's shown he's not the one for you.

Thanks for all of your replies. I guess I just wanted to take the next step in our relationship so deeply that I believed we were making the right strides (albeit it slowly). It wasn’t until I pushed it to start physically looking at houses to get the wheels in motion, that he backed off. Which is why I ended it, but wanted to see if it was something we could fix but then he just went really off with me. He used to tell me this would be the last Christmas we would spend apart, or that we would move in soon, or that he couldn’t wait to get our place then nothing would materialise. Looking back, I can see It was convenient for him. He could fit me in at the weekend but still had everything he wanted, friends, social life, job, family and wasn’t prepared to give that up for me. It makes me feel a little embarrassed that I missed the signs. We genuinely did have a good relationship though and I had no qualms that wouldnt go through with our plan to end the distance. Otherwise I wouldn’t have invested 4 years to the relationship to be left empty handed. I am 28 and he is 26. I guess you are all right in what you are saying, so appreciate your replies. I’m just struggling to see why he is being so horrible to me now all of a sudden.

The reason why you feel he is being horrible to you is he has emotionally detached from you and has also no reason to feel the need to please you. I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it but he really is trying to tell you ' Been there,done that '. For you own emotional well being you need to continue no contact and as hard as it will be for you try not to see him as 'the one '.

Maybe he's just changed his mind.

To me it sounds as if he has met someone else, I've been there done that.
All the signs are showing.
Look after yourself