I feel like giving up

[devasted]

I don't know why I'm posting i just wanted to write this down somewhere as everything in my head is too much right now.

I left an abusive marriage coming up three years ago and it's been hard. I have two kids and they have been through a lot. I won't go into too much detail but there was a period they were separated from me (not my choice but didn't have a choice iykwim) they have been damaged by what they witnessed their father do to both them and me and my son who is the eldest displays behaviour that is violent on times and can be quite aggressive my youngest has witnessed this and it seems to be having a devastating impact on her behaviour.

I am in counselling for the impact all of this has had on me. And for everything I have been through. I am still single 3 years on and have no intention of having another relationship I think it's fair to say my ex did a real number on me and I feel so screwed up and guilty for what my kids have been through that I could never potentially put them in that position again.

Anyway it's the second week into the summer holidays and it's all getting too much they are winding each other up and the aggressive outbursts are upsetting. I just feel like giving up. Also to add without drip feeding my son has asd although we have been told my a consultant that there isn't quite enough evidence yet and to come back in nine months!

I'm going through a bad patch with hardly sleeping, I'm feeling like crying alot, I take antidepressants as I am depressed but they numb me alot and I don't feel anything good or bad.

Counselling whilst it is helpful we are still going through an assessment even though I have had 7 sessions so far. And after each one it's mentally and physically draining.

I also suffer from long term health problems and tbh everything is just getting too much. My mum and dad help out when they can but they have their own health problems so literally I am with them 24/7.

I have no friends I can turn to i lost a lot when I left my ex and I don't find it easy to make new ones. Alot of the other parents in my kids school seem cliquey and very two faced.

I love my kids so very much I know me writing this may not seem like I do but believe me I do - I just wish life was a bit easier because everything seems so damned hard.

Do you have any time to yourself, time to start doing something for an hour here or there that you enjoy...a mental break?

Plan plan plan & involve the kids in order to get through the holidays.

There is lots going on that doesn’t cost much.

I think the lack of structure that school brings really effects the kids (&parents!)

If you had a focus each day it may help with behaviour

Just cheap stuff like picnics, library, jam jar fishing in the brook whatever.

If they plan their summer & know what is happening each day it can really help x

I'm sorry op, that sounds like a lot to cope with.

I can only speak from my own personal experience, but being very honest with my son and saying "I'm very sorry I encouraged you to spend time with your dad and he then abused you. If I had realised what was going on, I would have moved heaven and earth to stop things. And that doesn't mean it was your fault for not telling. I know how difficult that would have been and that you didn't want to betray your birth family. It was not your fault and I will never stop loving you, I will never blame you, for things that happened during that time."

I've had to repeat this speech probably around once a week when he first came back to live with me, then down to once a month when he was in education, back up to once a week on the phone when he was trying to live independently, and now in his early 20s I think he's finally internalised it.

Sorry, that sounded like a stealth boast. I was going to make the point that this is probably the most difficult phase of your relationship with your DCs. That doesn't mean you need to just do whatever the hell they want. But both would probably appreciate one to one time with you, as difficult as that is during the school hols. It needn't be anything expensive. During the lAst few months my son (23, not Nt) and I have enjoyed road trips (less than an hour as he has difficulty travelling longer); walks in local woods/country parks local to our area, especially if feeding water birds is involved; making diy toys for our pets; having big clear outs of the house and shed and donating items to local charities; growing our own vegetables (although the current weather hasn't helped!); going to see historical sites/museums which have s particular connection to our family (HMS Belfast for example, where my grandad served during the war, but who died before he could meet DS.)

Please don't give up on yourself or your DC. Treat yourselves as a team who can weather these difficult times together. Ask for their commitment to the team.

Thanks for the replies. I have said to my son that daddy wasn't very nice to mummy and him and his sister and that's why we left to keep us safe. He rarely speaks about his dad anymore.

I think I will have to start planning the holidays a bit better as my son in particular finds the lack of routine hard going. And in turn that's hard going for me and his sister then.

I want to be able to spend one on one time with them but it's hard when i don't really have any outside support. Although I suppose I could ask my mum to have one of them for an hour or two so I can spend time with the other and vice versa.

I don't have any hobbies or anything I can do for a break. I used to be really into art and good at drawing but i haven't done any for years and it's hard to start as by the time the kids are in bed asleep I'm too tired and stressed and tend to watch a programme and go to bed by about 10.30 as I can't sleep well during the night anyway.

How old are your children? I'm trying to think of a way in which you could use age appropriate language to get them to empathise with why you feel so upset when they argue.

My son is 8 and daughter 5 x