Hi all,
I'm really sorry, this is a long one, but I'm really looking for a woman's perspective. I tried to post this on "talkaboutmarriage" but people turned abusive and horrible. Please remember, even though I don't know any of you, I'm a person with feelings, so please treat as you would like to be treated. I also appreciate you are only getting one side of the story. I posted, years back, but "missed these bits" off. Here we go...
M(38) married to F(36) for 11 years, together for 18 years. My wife grew up in a very violent and abusive household, it's definitely shaped her, I can't believe I'm writing this. Two days after getting married, she punched me, at first I thought it was just stress. Two days later, she started screaming at me and pushed me down a railyway bridge - cast iron stairway. For about a month afterwards, I felt I wanted a divorce. There were about 7 physically violent events dotted over the next three years, and she'd scream and lash out at me.
It stopped when she fell pregnant, but then she just went "off radar". Everything became about the Baby, which of course it does, it's natural, but not in a 'normally balanced' way. I'd put stupid amounts of efforts into looking passed the violence and yelling at me. And then nothing; no time together, no intimacy, no conversation, board games, nothing. Obviosuly I could see a potential downward spiral, so could friends who'd eventually approach her and say "you're heading for divorce if you keep this up". She closed off to me completely, and then met "friends off the internet", then would yank our baby away from me and vanish for a week at a time.
Every time I tried to say, we need to address our problems all I got back was "you have the problem not me", and then dissapear for a week. All of a sudden, for 18 months, this guy who lived up there became 'flavour of the month'; nothing mattered about us, anyone else, all I heard pretty much for 18 months was how great he was, then anytime I'd say "our marriage is dying" - off she went. I was approached by a friend about concerns there was a potential affair, which she denied, but then it got ugly;
She told people I was abusing her. Every time I tried to say something loving and healing, and carefully, I was "patronising", she was lying to friends about things I'd said, even just saying the truth but "changing the context". I had no idea, eventually, our mutual friends sort of of fell away from me, I had no idea what was happening, I would have, and tried everything to make this work, of course I'm no saint, but I'm telling the truth, otherwise why would I be asking strangers for advice? When I found out about the lies I was devastated; a lot of people hated me, and I didn't even know it. She'd been relaying every peaceful, loving, private, careful thing I'd said to different people. She promised this had "changed", from Christmas to now, and I was allowed to see "everything" in her messages, - I didn't ask, but when I said, "I don't trust you, and no-one does this to someone they are supposed to love"; all of a sudden I was suppossed to see them. I found a message from a month ago, telling a friend that "I'd been gaslighting and trying to convince her that I'd been hitting her". I'm crushed and don't even know where to begin. And then it changed to "I'd been spying on her messages".
Once lies are out, they are out; no-one ever wants to hear your side, especially when a person who has played a "vulnerable brave woman" speaks up in confidence; I have no voice to prove or say I haven't been abusive or horrible, but no-one wants to hear it.
I wish I could walk out, but we're on mainland Europe, and they'll have to go back to the UK. I have 4 and 8 year old girls whom worship me. I've been told that "I'm so weak I'm an embarressment to my gender", it's not that simple when you have children. It's been 11 years of giving and 'making allowances', versus lies, abuse and running me down, demaining me, swearing at me publically and privately. I just want it to stop and stay away from ever having a relationship ever again, it's not worth it.
I could deal with an affair, it's the truth and she says, I could deal with past violence if she acknowledged she had a problem that needs help, but so many lies though, to me and about me, they change everything, you can never "know", and never trust again, lies to other people can never be 'un-said', you will never have those friendships back. There's more but I'm making a bit of a mess of it now, marriage is suppossed to be beautiful and enriching, please, please look after one if you have it.
Peace to all,