Introducing children to new partner

[Thegianttap]

Hello, I have an extremely amicable relationship with my ex-partner (father of my children) and I we are actually still living in the same house (the children and I are moving next week) - these things take time - it has been months. But my children will see that he and I are on good terms (in fact, we are good friends and talk to each other as we did when we were still a couple - we had been living as friends for a long time). However, I am in a new relationship (11 months in) and my new partner wants to meet my boys. Any tips on how to manage this? I'm really nervous. I remember having to meet my future stepmother and I hated her before I even met her, just by who she was! (We are firm friends now - 35 years later.) I guess I just want some advice. I just want what is best for everyone I guess.

Do an activity together that would be fun for the children anyway e.g. bowling, laser tag, trampoline park. That way they're not facing sitting there awkwardly having lunch in silence (or being asked lots of questions to try to stimulate conversation).

How old are your DSes? Do they know he exists?

My advice would be to take one step at a time. You don't say how old the children are but coping with a move might be enough for them for the moment. They will miss their Dad. Do they know you are seeing someone else and do they understand the unusual family dynamics that you've created? If so they might be happier meeting your partner then the mystery. If not then the timing might be really difficult if they start to blame your partner for why they aren't living with their Dad.

They are 14, 12 and 8. They know my new partner exists, to be honest I'm not sure what they understand what he means to me. I haven't explicitly said 'he's my boyfriend' or anything quite like that but I talk about him a lot and they know when I go to see him and stay overnight. So far they have taken everything that has happened pretty much at face value. They are 'seemingly' very accepting of the move and talk about mummy's house and daddy's house. I know this could be their way of coping, I'm really not sure. I don't want to push them into a heart-to-heart unless they prompt it. I think it might be because their father and I have been living as friends and still are. There is no tension, no animosity, no ill feeling. I know this is an unusual set up!

I want them to see my new partner as a friend, an extra-bonus, they have a very good relationship with their dad and they always will do, I feel it but it would be great if they could see him as an extra person to share with.

The 14 and 12 year old will probably understand whats going on if you stay at his house (unless 12 yo is particularly naive) . The 8 year old is unlikely to have read between the lines. After you have have moved out I would let things settle down for a few months then introduce concept of your new partner as boyfriend and go from there. It's a real jump for the little one otherwise.

If the children know about him and haven't asked to meet him then I'd leave it for a while. You still live with their dad so he's not really a partner he's someone you're saying.

I would say the 14 and possibly the 12 year old are old enough for you to ask them if they'd like to meet him. If they say no you need to respect that.

I'm afraid I don't have experience of the age group as mine are younger , so I can only comment on what helped us

It was a long time before DP met them but when he did pressure was taken off everyone , they were not required to interact more than was polite and DP went to great lengths to be there but not be too direct.

So for example he would sit and play a game ,if they wanted to join j great but if not that was no problem too

I think you have a great attitude that it's another person to have a good relationship with rather than defining it as a parenting role

We joke that they have a mummy ,daddy and a "dp's name" ...(they are quite young so not mum and dad yet)

Exdh is fine with this because we don't define dp's role too much which is fine with all

I personally think it's fine to be out on days out etc but try not to force anything let them come to a relationship naturally

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. I appreciate it. I will take things easy and go with the flow I think. My experience is that I was forced to spend time with my stepmother and it was awful for both of us. Once I grew up I realised how awful I was to her and I respect how tolerant she was with me. So I am very much in favour of the easy approach, letting the children take the lead.