Mother figures

[akerman]

My mother abused me emotionally and physically. She hit me round the head with a shoe; she told me my Dad would die young of a heart attack because he had to work so hard to look after us (he was 50 at the time and as fit as a fiddle!). I can't remember a time of not treading on eggshells around her. She could also sometimes be lovely, but not that often really. Do other people relate to this, and if so, do you still long for a mother? I'm 50. Married, A mother. Hold down a good job. Have good friends. In many ways it's in the past, except that I still think about the mother figures I craved as a girl, and wish I could have just one long hug, that would put the longing for a mother to rest. I'm beginning to think this will never go away. Anyone else experience this?

@akerman I am so sorry for you for this issue.

I am afraid I cannot relate directly BUT I have read on here so many women who have very difficult relationships with one or both parents that I know you are not alone.

The only thing I can really recommend is some therapy. I've had it for anxiety and it worked very well. I got it on the NHS. I know they are stretched and so there may be a wait. but if this is causing you depression or anxiety, I think it is worth trying to get some, or paying for it.

I wonder if your mum has died or if you have gone no contact? Sometimes it seems really best to go no or low contact in these situations.

If you are feeling grief or anger I wonder if you can read up on it and work through it? Perhaps forgive your mum that for whatever reason she could not be the mum you needed and deserved.

This does not excuse her cruel and abusive behaviour or her coldness to you. But it might free you to leave it in the past.

Forgiving someone does not excuse what they did and if alive it doesn't mean you need to get back in touch or whatever, it just means you can choose not to wait around for that hug and instead be a hugger of others. The feeling may or may not go away, but your ability to deal with its impact might, in time, be in your own hands.

whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-forgiveness/

Thank you for such a kind message, Italian. No, we are still in contact. My Dad needs us to be, as much as anything else, and I don't think I could turn my back on her. I understand where her anger comes from. And mostly I'm fine. Just sometimes the longing I feel for a mother who mothered knocks me back a bit. I'll follow through on your suggestions. Thank you.

I get it, my mum is also emotionally abusive and I just really want someone to cuddle me and tell me it will all be okay. My husband does but it's not my mum or a Mum type person.
I'm doing therapy at the moment and I think it is helping, not sure it will ever really go away though.
Not much help just wanted to say I sympathize and feel exactly the same

I read your post and empathise so much. My mother wasn't physically abusive but is an narcissist and had inflicted untold damage on her children. Thankfully after 2 years of counselling a few years ago I honestly feel able to handle life now as a grown up child of a narcissist.

What resonated so much with me was your mention of the need for a mother figure. I honestly didn't feel that need until a few years ago when a family friend died and I was distraught. While I only used to see her a few times a year (and usually while with my mum which obviously ruined it somewhat) I realised how much in those short interactions I had felt unconditional love from her! And all this was after I had been through counselling.

Ironically what this taught me was it doesn't take a mother to give unconditional love. Since then I have opened up more to friendships and people around me. I am not saying that I get this "unconditional love" from them but I do get unconditional friendship and care from them and I had been completely closed to this type of relationship up until that point.

So while I am probably making no sense at all what I am saying is make sure you recognise sources of "unconditional" care from other sources and welcome it. As it is "almost" as good as that "unconditional love". And giving unconditional care and love is also very important! I wish you well..it is a tough road!

Hi akerman,

re your comment:-

"My Dad needs us to be, as much as anything else, and I don't think I could turn my back on her".

Why re the first part of this sentence and why not re the second part. They both failed you utterly here and do not deserve you for a daughter.

She certainly turned your back on you though and has done you an awful lot of both emotional and physical harm. She abused you terribly and this has remained with you unsurprisingly into your adult life. I would certainly read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationships pages and contact NAPAC napac.org.uk/ as well as the BACP. NHS therapy can and does take an age to arrange and importantly is limited in scope.

Its not your fault this happened to you and its not your fault either that your mother was (and likely remains) abusive. You did not make her that way; her own family of origin did that.

Where is your dad now?. Is he still with his wife?. Using your dad as a reason to stay in contact with her at all will not help either he or you. Is your dad aware of what his wife did to you as a child?. Where was he?. It could be argued that he also failed you as a child by not protecting you from his wife.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles here; what is yours?. What's your dad's?. Is he really her hatchet man and enabler here?.

Deal with this properly and now through therapy; your longing for a mother figure is completely understandable and stems from what happened to you.

Thank you all. Babs and heretohelp - I'm sorry you've been through similar. heretohelp - what you say about accepting unconditional care from others is really helpful.

My Dad didn't know the half of it at the time Attila. She used to hit us and say dreadful things while he was at work, and while we were small we didn't tell him because we thought we were wrong and we'd get punished all over again. In retrospect I think we should all have had family therapy, but that was less thought of then. I truly think he has done his best for us as much as he was able to do. I really love him, and it makes me sad to see how miserable my mother now makes him. He did leave her once, when we had all just left home and went back so that she wouldn't be a burden to us and manipulate one of us into caring for her. If something happened to my Dad I still couldn't turn my back on my mother because there would be nobody else at the end of the day. I wouldn't take her into my house - my marriage wouldn't survive it (!), but I'd make an effort within certain limitations. But you're right - I probably do need to talk it through with someone and understand things a bit better. Thank you for posting.

I relate to this too OP. I have a mother like figure in my life now. We don't hug but she and I provide support for one another.

I really understand the feelings about wanting a mother type person.

I have a few thoughts about getting help with these sort of feelings.
I actually only started admitting these feelings when I started feeling really attached to my therapist. Therapy has been immensely useful in many ways but I'm finding the attachment/separation horribly difficult and wish I'd gone into it in a more knowing way and kept my distance.

This might all sound like psychobabble but I have been totally blindsided by my inability to rationalise the feelings therapy has left me with. Right now I wish I had been aware at the outset of how this could happen.

OP I think breaking contact is an extremely difficult thing to do but perhaps being aware of how your mum is will help to build some protection into the relationship. I hope you find some peace.

Thank you forestier - glad you have a lovely person. hardsums - it doesn't sound like psychobabble at all. It's wise and generous advice. I hope things get easier for you - it sounds so hard. Thank you for posting.

Sorry to hear this op and I can relate. Please look for the "stately homes" thread on these boards, it will be of help to you.

I would say the greatest gift I've given myself is the ability to reparent my inner child and give her the love and affection she craved all those years and attempted to recreate in romantic relationships (square peg, round hole.)

Thank you pocket. I'll look out that thread. I'm glad you've managed to do the parenting of yourself. That's a huge achievement.

Yes, OP, age 48, no physical violence but she had no sense of self herself, discouraged me from having one, got angry with me if I had an emotion, or a need, to this day she thinks it's disobedience if I don't agree with her. So annoyed with myself that until my late thirties I was powerless to make a decision if she didn't ''approve'' it and she rarely approved the things I want to do so I ended up trying to be, well, I didn't even know what. It was all just shots in the dark trying to win her approval so that the anxiety would go away.

How do you parent your inner child?

I feel like I'm in a good place, good self-esteem, no anxiety, except for some reason I cannot have relationships. I am not avoidant, don't believe that I fear intimacy, I'm not needy, content alone, however, the men I like who I would consider becoming involved with never and I mean NEVER want to become involved (in a focused, committed way) with me, so there's something awry there as I think it's usual to get to 48 and be able to say that during a lifetime there has been no overlap between the men I've wanted to be in a relationship with and the men who've wanted to be in a relationship with me. None.

I don't know how you parent an inner child, but want to look into this. As far as relationships go, I was lucky to find my husband (unsurprisingly my mother doesn't like him and vice versa!) I got to the age of 28 never having had a relationship with anyone though. I always got dumped after 3 days. Literally. I found it hard, so I really hope things work out for you on that front. And I related to trying to be something without knowing what it was my mother wanted me to be. It's an impossible situation xx

Penny Parks Inner Child is a way of looking at past trauma. I’ve not read it all but this is a place to start…

www.ppfoundation.co.uk/what-is-parks-inner-child-therapy/

I’m seeing a counsellor for an eating disorder and we are talking about this too. But it’s all new.

OP good luck.

Good luck to you too, Italian. I hope your counselling goes really well. And thank you for the link xx

Thank you. Xxxxx