A year on and still not quite back to myself. Anyone been there?

[Newerversion]

So, almost a year ago I discovered my husband had been seeing escorts. It destroyed me, unbelievably. I have worked hard to come back from it and really worked to stop him wheedling his way back in (no way is that happening)
But I still have these annoying moments of sadness\pathetic self indulgent pity. I know I need to work on stopping these but can’t seem to.
Any advice from those who have been there?

Just to add, I have done the new haircut\social life thing but not even considered dating or anything.

Took me 5 years to even feel human! There is no timescale you must follow, every one heals differently.

Thank you for replying, justlikedevon. I have been listening to so many friends who have told me to ‘move on’ I guess I feel like I should.

If you don’t mind me asking, what did you find helped you? I feel like I am a bit lost and fumbling for something.

Hey New. I'm 2+ years on and it's still very difficult. Progress is very slow, however I can reflect now and see how far I've come. To be honest with you though, it will always be there now, forever, cause it happened. Like a bereavement I suppose, it just becomes a bit easier to live alongside. The 'move on' thing pisses me right off though. If only it were that bloody easy, eh? Good luck.

Therapy can really help with closure. Much more than talking to friends. It’s probable you’ll keep getting stronger in time, but I really believe a good therapist can speed up the process, and give you great tools for when you feel yourself slipping into unhelpful thoughts/behaviours.

Good on you for the progress you’ve made, and the boundaries you’re holding. Better days ahead.

I'm so sorry. His inability to be a decent husband reflects badly on HIM not you.

I second a therapist. It sounds like your self esteem is low and needs work, understandably!

You deserve so much more. It's out there.xx

I’m 18 months on. I have gone through the different stages of denial, anger,sadness and I am now at acceptance. It’s tough.

Thank you for your replies, it helps to hear from others in a similar position. I have been wondering recently if this sort of experience is one that will just always be there no matter what I do. I can be having a seemingly good day and boom, out of the blue I will get this weird pang and like a visual of what he did. Sometimes it is so strong it almost paralyses me.

I’m about three years on from discovery of my husband’s affair.

Even although I’m much stronger than I was, thinner, more glam, lovely new man, i am still a proper mess some days.

The betrayal is so awful. I don’t think the pain and disbelief will ever leave me entirely.

I also feel weirdly guilty for not taking him back (also wheedled)and “saving “the family, even although I know really that would have been wrong.

That’s probably not cheering for you 😀 But at least you’re not alone!

Please be kind to yourself...its a journey that's different for everyone.

As another poster said, therapy is a real help. Yes, friends are great but they get things straight and organised in your mind and then will help give you the steps to make progress moving on to find your 'new normal.

I used to think that everyone had moved on far easier and faster than me...people had separated/divorced/met someone else in less time than me but I just had to remind myself that I was still healing and that the process was so necessary for me.

Keep taking those baby steps, looking forward and not looking back and you will get there.

I've never got over it really and I am actually fine with that now. It made me stronger and my BS radar is second to none. It depends what you want out of life. I'm happy to be single and just do my own thing forever. I could never trust a man again and that's fine for me. I have never seen or been involved in a healthy relationship and so it all seems rather pointless. However I have children from my marriage. I can see it would be very different if I didn't and wanted them.

It could be PTSD. Have a read up on it x

A friend advised me to allow a month for every year you had been in the relationship. For me, that meant around two years' recovery, and I think that was right. There are still times when it hurts, tho' - I recently had to attend a wedding at which XH and his new partner were present. I was fine on the day, but a bit of a wreck the day after. Just be kind to yourself & take all the time you need

Oh, and I really recommend seeing a counsellor. Mine kept me sane at times.

Mrslandingham- seeing him at a wedding must have been very tough! Sorry you had to do that.
Thank you everyone, am going to have a good look into PTSD, I do feel like I am losing it at times.

Holly- I am fairly sure I will never trust a man again either. I also doubt my own instincts as I missed so many fed flags from stbxh.

Newer version you’re not losing it. Those “mind movies” you’re experiencing are a normal part of processing and recovering from the deceit apparently. It’s all very painful isn’t it but you’re not on your own.

You're still treading water at the moment and that's fine, we all move on at different paces. Time is a healer but you'll never forget the betrayal and nor should you, you will come out the other end stronger.

Newer, it was pretty awful actually, but completely unavoidable. Thank you for your kind comment. People tell me I handled it very well (and my closest friend had to exercise tremendous self-control not to give XH a piece of her mind), but there was a definite reaction the next day. That's why I think it's important not to be hard on yourself.