Don't really know what the point of posting this is other than perhaps if someone has some wisdom?
Last year, after my marriage broke down, I was going through a period of introspection, a bit of a rebound relationship which inevitably failed, and a need to physically "sort through" my house (all the crap I keep in the loft)
I found old photos of the man I was with prior to meeting my husband 18 years ago. "K". And my old address book. I wondered what happened to him (I think I phoned him a few months after we split, since then no contact). So feeling a bit "what the hell?" At the time, I sent him a copy of a picture and a breezy "found this and wondered how are you these days? Here's my number" Letter. Heard nothing. Assumed he was either ignoring me, had moved, or sadly died. (Background: he has a long term health condition, always maintained he'd die early, one of our "barriers"). Fine, was a moment of folly.
Last week, out of the blue, a text from him. "Thanks got picture, sorry it took me a while to respond I'm caring full time for my mum". I didn't really know how to respond - I gave it a couple of days to think it over, then replied something like "nice to hear from you but sorry about your Mum. I realise it was a bolt from the blue and no obligation to respond".
Silence until today, received a factual text: mother is in care Home now as I'm using crutches awaiting [3rd operation related to health condition]. I'm going to hospital Friday to find out if I have cancer
A bit of background: I'm 44 now, was with him from 23 to 27, 2 years trying to be a proper relationship, broke up then drifted back on a very casual basis and then I met my future husband so it finished. He is 7 years older than me.
1st part of relationship was tense as I was in love and wanted to move very fast. He was holding back, always says it was because his health condition and wouldn't want to burden someone, didn't want children who'd see him die early etc. He broke up with me as he didn't want to be in a relationship. I was heartbroken but bounced back quickly as I was young.
2nd part: I got back in touch, I'd worked on myself a bit and was still drawn to him and the closeness we'd had. He came back without much persuasion, but we were different: I was a bit more philosophical about it, and I continued to see others just to stop myself getting too invested again.
Then I met my husband, who was a lot more emotionally available, and I realised how tired I was with the mind games. Actually I'd already had a bit of an epiphany with K when we'd gone away and I'd realised how cynical and jaded he'd become. I cooled it off with K, he found out I'd met someone and sent me a "have a nice life" message. I got married, had a kid, lived a life which I'm very lucky in, and even though my marriage broke down I'm doing well by most measures. Very well in fact, I finally understand the idea of women being in the prime in their 40s. Lucky me
Why oh why did I open this can of worms - I have compassion for K, I loved him for a long time, and now I compare our lives and I realise why he pushed me away at the time. He is incredibly intelligent, and I realise now he could see this happening.
He deserved to be left by most people's standards: he met some of my friends and made no effort to get on with them. I barely met his (tbf, didn't really have friends) We never met each other's families (hence why it feels weird to say "sorry about your mum") and he left some underwear and a toothbrush at mine but refused point blank to move in.i would go to pick him up and he would make me wait outside his house.
The reason I'm dwelling on this so much is that I have a tendency to get into this kind of relationship. Things between us when we were together were great. He was my best friend, he made me laugh so much and I was so comfortable with him. Apart from the boundaries he had around himself, he was never abusive, and actually very kind and sweet. Whole days in bed watching tv, having sex, mucking about, I think part of the reason I got back in touch was that I felt nostalgic about this kind of "free" relationship rather than the difficult tense marriage I just got out of.
So I've banged on about this a bit because I don't know how I could talk to anyone in RL about this. I don't know how to handle this in terms of actually interacting with him now I opened that box, and I'm also trying to make sense of why exactly this "distant" kind of person holds such appeal.
(And I do have therapy, and I am aware of attachment theory, and I do have an aloof unemotional father 😉)