19w pregnant, toddler and he's unsure about us

[happiertomorrow]

For a bit of background, I'm 19 weeks pregnant with a very much wanted baby and have a 2 and a half year old. We also both work in demanding roles with unsociable hours.

My partner and I have struggled at times to keep our relationship on track since becoming parents and it all came to a head last weekend. He told me he was less attracted to me since we had our toddler. Turns out he bumped into an ex from many years ago, ended up meeting up with her for a drink and having a kiss. He says it made him realise how bad things were with us.

Looking back, I’m so busy trying to stay afloat with parenting, work, home etc that I have forgotten to have fun and instead of helping me find myself my partner has retreated to being out drinking more with friends and being quite selfish with his time. As a consequence a lot of our time together has been conflict and not fun and things have really deteriorated. We have both decided we want to make things work and sought a counselling both together and separately later in the week.

I’ve had a lot of thinking to do and I have realised how far I have drifted from my happy, secure self to an angry, anxious person.
He says he loves me and wants to make things work but feels at times he's unhappy with life but unsure why.
I’m trying to be quite strong but I’m quite anxious that I might end up being alone with a toddler and a baby on the way which is very scary and not what I planned/imagined at all.

Any advice/positive stories from others who have been in this situation?
I am financially independent and have good support from friends locally and family who are far away.

Just ended up meeting etc. Well knock that on the head. He chose to meet up, he was complicit.

If you end up splitting then you'll be fine. Women are strong.

Make your decision on what you want and what is best for you only.

Yes he was complicit and accept that. He has apologised and says he's really sorry.

Studies by John Gottman at the University of Washington in Seattle on marriage have shown that the first child is pivotal in a marriage and can be extremely challenging, as it can force the couple into gender roles that before a child was born they were able to ignore. I don’t think the problems you are having are unusual but I do think that you are very much at an “age and stage” of marriage when your children are very young and are so needy and demand so much of your time and resources that this intensifies issues.

It’s all very convenient that he has found you less attractive after your first child but not enough to stop you getting pregnant with your second. I think he is being dishonest. I think you are both experiencing a lot of stress and rather than turn toward each other you are looking outside the relationship. It was devastating to hear but at least he was honest enough to own up to his behaviour. I think if you both work to find ways you can find life more fulfilling as a couple and not separately that could be the way forward.

He has to appreciate that young children are hard work but it is a temporary state, if he can invest and pull together now your marriage could get much stronger and happier. I find it hard to believe that he hasn’t been attracted to you. I think an opportunity presented itself (with the ow) and he is hedging his bets by making that comment. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you won’t find other people attractive, I’m sure you have too, but you make vows promising not to act on that attraction because you are making a commitment “for better for worse”. You are at a stage in your marriage that is very challenging for the vast majority of couples, he needs to appreciate you are not unusual in that and is he willing to really put in the work to strengthen your marriage?

For example does he really want his children to not live with their mum and dad?

John Gottman has done decades of research and can predict which marriages will last and which will head to divorce in the very early stages of marriage. You may want to find his books and stuff on the internet as it can be reassuring and also help you establish if you have enough positives in your marriage to make it through your current situation.

@Movablefeast Thank you- this makes a lot of sense

A book I would recommend is “The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work” it is based on decades of research by Gottman and his wife who is also a psychologist. His model is very much considered a feminist one as he is cognizant of what modern women want in marriage and how challenging it can be when children come along compared to their expectations. He gives practical advice that has been used with hundreds of couples to help build your marriage.

Or course you and your husband need to be on the same page and wanting to save and build your marriage.

Babies add a lot of stress to relationships in a lot of ways.

Have you got different counsellors? It's not wise for you both to have the same counsellor for your individual counselling.

@SandyY2K Yes we do have different counsellors

That's good.

With a young family it's really important to get time for each other as a couple. I know it's not easy if you don't have family closeby who are willing and able.

Even if it's once a month...It's worth it. I know it also takes a while before you'd trust anyone with a young baby too.

If you have time you might find this link useful

www.marriagecare.org.uk/how-we-help/relationship-education/

Toddlers and babies are hard hard work, combining it with two working parents and it can take every last calorie of strength to get through a day and that's before you add pregnancy into the mix. You have my absolute sympathy OP, My husband and I are both full time workers (I am now on maternity leave and due in a week) and have a 14 month old son (it was very much planned and possibly very much insane but we figured what's a bit more chaos and we wanted one last dc ).

It's so easy to lose yourself to parenthood and it takes so much work to get through it. My DH kept reminding me that in order for our family to be happy that I needed to focus on what would make me happy. He isn't a people pleaser by any stretch but he regards me as the heart of the family and knows that he is the best version of himself when I am relaxed and joking. You need to find a way to get some time for yourself, organise jobs and plan in affection wherever you can, ask hubby to cook while you have a bath, watch something together on netflix and have a snuggle or just the simple pleasure of getting out the house alone whenever possible.

I lost my ability to become aroused for a while even though I loved my husband deeply. Part was down to pregnancy hormones and exhaustion but also part was due to feeling displaced. I read that the best way to encourage a rekindling is to kiss your spouse everyday even if you don't feel like it. It sounds mad but since we started doing that, I often find myself cuddling him whilst making a cuppa and just saying thank you for the little things, such as bringing our son down from his nap or taking him to bed, and now the hubby can't help me enough. The end result is I am less exhausted and we are much closer intimately.

I wish you the best of luck honey and I hope you both manage to find a way to make it through this crazy ride xx

I reread your original post where you mention your very demanding jobs. Can you both try your very best to carve out some time together? Especially before #2 arrives? It is a real strain when you are just not getting to have the “fun bits” together anymore but just all the stressful, responsible parts, it’s totally understandable when marriages start to crack. I think from the comments from you and your husband you are both needing stress relief and more fun together. Can you try and figure out what that might look like and how you can get that time together?Counseling is great but it is also earnest, you need time to “play”.

Is there anyway you could get a weekend away or take a night and a day in a hotel: stay Friday night and coming back late Saturday? I think you just really need to prioritize your marriage above everything and get the fun stress-relief you both crave. If you can find the time and money it would be an awesome investment.

I know a very happy married couple who have 2 boys very close in age. I once asked them how they have made it work over the years (married for 20 years!) the husband said something that stuck with me.

He felt it was his job to keep his wife happy, as it was her job to keep the family happy.

This made so much sense to me and also I realised my partner does this also. The women is often the glue that keeps the family together. I know it's a bit of a stereotype. But I do 90% of the housework, cooking, organise social events, counsel everyone's problems, deal with bills, organise holidays and do all the little things like crafts and reading books to the kids as well as work 3 days a week. My partner works full time and some (as he pays child maintenance to his ex wife) but he comes home and often does little things that he knows will Make me happy. Like bring me sweet treats for when baby is in bed, pour me a surprise glass of wine, or record something on the tv for me to watch. Those little things make a huge difference. We have no money for big things but I know if we did he would pay for me to go to a spa and have a day off, or take me out to dinner. These things make me feel special, loved, appreciated and in turn I find it easier to do my job as a partner and a mum.

Sometimes we Mum's need some tlc to help us do our jobs better xx

Thank you so much for your replies/advice. Taking each day slowly for the moment.

Unless you are very careful, parenting can fuck up your life AND relationship somewhat. I mean that tongue in cheek, but only partly. It's all too easy to 'drift' and focus on the kids etc, and forget what made you a couple in the first place.
Your post is very relatable to many - myself included - and I wish you well in trying to find some resolve

Thanks for the advice/messages.

Sadly it wasn't just a kiss and he has continued to be in contact with the ex. It's a deal-breaker for me so he's moving out

When we planned a second child, I never imagined it would end up like this. I'm so sad and confused, and wondering how on earth I'll cope alone with a baby and a toddler.

I'm feeling so vulnerable.

What an utter arsehole.

As pp said above, women are strong. Many women have managed single parenthood. You will too.

I’ve just seen your update. So sorry that it has come to this and that he wasn’t honest with you in the first place. Be strong, look forward to meeting your new baby. Good that you have friends who will support you locally. You say that your family are far away, is it an option to move to where they are for more support, long term. Or that they could come and stay with you, even if only for a while, to help you. Time is a great healer, you will survive and hopefully meet someone who appreciates you. 💐