How to conduct myself amidst inlaws' family feud?

[ThePartyArtist]

I posted a while ago about how my DH is considering going non contact with his father. This is because he is just beginning to acknowledge that his father was abusive / violent towards him as a child, and that he's always been treated as the black sheep of the family and is frequently given the silent treatment. Recently (before my DH confronted his dad about the issue) his parents didn't speak to us for 4 months because they thought it was rude that we asked them to check dates with us before they book flights to visit us.

I have come to the conclusion, after posting on here, that I need to stand by my DH in however he chooses to proceed. He is just beginning some counseling and has told his dad he doesn't want contact with him until after that. Increasingly, my DH seems to feel that going non contact will be the outcome, but he wants to have the counseling first so he can think more clearly about it.

I really don't know where this leaves me with his family. I am just not used to their ways of dealing with such a situation - one of his sisters refuses to speak about the issue but has removed herself from a family whats app, but continues to see us without mentioning it at all. The other sister is obviously upset and I think hoping for resolution. The mum was more responsive than expected when DH first spoke to her, and agreed with him about many issues - but seems to have U-turned and has absented herself from family whats app group, and talks of coming to see us but is elusive about when (this is fairly normal for her though). The dad's responded with a letter in which he absolved himself of all responsibility and seems to have gone off in a big huff. Most of all I would like my toddler son not to lose out on having grandparents. I have continued to send occasional photos of him, and do get some response. I also emailed the parents and told them that without wanting to discuss details, I am doing all I can to encourage my DH to keep communication open. I expected at least some acknowledgement of this, but have heard nothing back. From their past form, they could well be not speaking to me / us and we wouldn't even be aware.

I guess I am just posting because I really don't know how to conduct myself around them. Keep up communication and send photos, or just not bother because to be honest I doubt they'd bother back. I just feel a sense of duty to keeping them in touch with their only grandchild I guess.

Sorry but stuff duty to them.
Your dh is aiming for nc and you need it stand by that. If his dps are that bad surely keeping your dc from them is the right thing to do anyway?

Yes I know it reads that way... in general, I find them fairly irritating, but I don't think they're bad people. I feel that a lot of the poor parenting by my DH's dad was down to his age and lack of experience, and that he no longer has that influence over DH so I'm not sure there's much to be gained from going NC.

I'm just trying to get a balance between supporting DH and not undermining his position; and keeping things civil with the inlaws. But I'm really not sure I am getting it right.

I'd be following your DH's lead on this. Right now he's said he wants to go NC while he works through his childhood trauma from his F so I think you should respect that.
The fact that you're barely getting a response from the IL's when you send pics & info about DC tells me they aren't that interested even if DC is there only GC. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be e-mailing them telling them you're encouraging your DH to keep communication open, he's told them he's going NC right now and their lack of response could be them respecting that. You should too.

Have to admit when I first read this I almost threw the phone.

You are not supporting your dh at all. What you are doing is telling his parents that you think he is being silly and you will be their ally in getting him back to towing the line. You are telling him that you don’t believe him and support them in being in contact.

Don’t dismiss the abuse. You are doing that by saying what he experienced was ‘poor parenting’. It wasn’t ‘poor parenting’ it was abuse.

You weren’t there, you have no idea, no matter how much he tells you, it will never be close to what he has actually suffered and you are making this harder by dismissing it as ‘poor parenting’.

I am saying this from the perspective of an emotionally abused child who often had to field dismissive comments from people who had no idea. Even from my dh. Who now gets it luckily for me.

You want grandparents? Adopt the old couple down the road. Don’t give your children to a man who thinks abusing a hold is ok!

Hope I am not sounding too harsh, but you need to stop contact with them and follow his lead.

I agree with Aussiebean. Your DH is the one who has to lead on this. This is NOT the same as a family row in which your role is to encourage compromise and listening. This is your DH trying to deal with the trauma of abuse as a child and not being sure how this will play out. You need to support him and be led by him as he goes through the therapy.

Incidentally, I had a very bad relationship with my father throughout my teens and early 20s. He was not abusive, but there is no doubt he made some serious parenting mistakes. I had some therapy in my late 20s that really helped me. In my case, because it WASN'T abuse, I was able to process my feelings, accept that he had good intentions, put boundaries in place for myself in the future and develop a much closer relationship to my father. If your DH was abused, that seems unlikely to be the outcome of this process, but I mention it because hi taking the time to consider what's happened, to process his feelings and to really think about what he wants to do going forward is honestly the healthiest thing he can do. You need to back him up.

Also, if they're not great grandparents (which it sounds like they're not), trying to force a relationship with your DC seems a bit pointless.

I feel that a lot of the poor parenting by my DH's dad was down to his age and lack of experience, and that he no longer has that influence over DH so I'm not sure there's much to be gained from going NC.

Bollocks you are supporting your DH!!!! YOU don't get to decide this!

How utterly selfish of you to act the way you are. Can't you see that if it had just been 'age and lack of experience' then your FIL would be doing whatever it took to make up to your DH NOW? But he's not, is he? He's gone off in a huff, and punishing your DH for daring to speak up.

These are NOT people worthy of having contact with their grandchildren. Get your head out of your arse, and stop idealizing the grandparent/grandchild relationship. The relationship is only worth having if the grandparents are decent people.

OP been scared off it seems. By some hard truths.

Come back and defend your corner.

You're basically shit stirring. Leave the toxic twunts be. They'd be shit GPs anyhow.

To be fair to the op, it is a really hard thing to understand if you aren’t in it.

Hearing a few stories of isolated incidents doesn’t portray the hundred of other stories they haven’t heard, the events that where so bad that they have been suppressed and the understanding of the effect those events have on self esteem.

Well done her for asking for advice though, rather then unwittingly continuity the abuse.

What Aussiebean wrote.

Re your comment:-

"I feel that a lot of the poor parenting by my DH's dad was down to his age and lack of experience, and that he no longer has that influence over DH so I'm not sure there's much to be gained from going NC".

Going NC also means that you are protecting yourself from abuse and being further abused. It is not your decision either to make and this man still has influence over your H partly because you have made contact with these people till now. Do not ever undermine your H like this again, you did not live his childhood after all and you certainly cannot speak for him or make such assumptions about his family of origin. Your sense of duty to these people is totally and utterly misplaced, its wrong on so many levels.

You likely come from a nice and importantly emotionally healthy family; your DH was not so fortunate here. You are doing all the usual stuff people who marry into dysfunctional families do and it simply does not work as you are already seeing. You are not getting a response from them and that says volumes about them too.

You have to support your H here in his decisions re his family of origin and completely so despite your own misgivings. Its his decision here re his family of origin and not yours to make or to further undermine by maintaining forms of communication.

You simply cannot apply the "normal" rules of familial relations here like you have done because in the case of your DHs family of origin they do not apply. The rulebook really does go out the window when it comes to such families. His family of origin are abusive and how his father has acted is certainly not atypical at all of how such dysfunctional people act. Your son needs emotionally healthy grandparents and people to be around and the paternal grandparents here simply do not cut it.

You don't get to decide what kind of relationship your DH has with his family. You don't get to manage and structure it. You support your husband and follow his lead,

Who cares whether your child doesn't have a relationship with grandparents? They sound appalling. That's for your husband to decide. Keep your nose out and don't meddle.

Your DH says his father was abusive yet you want your dc to have a relationship with his grandfather? Wtaf?! I would no way allow my child near someone like that. Why are you sending pics to him? Is your DH aware? I’d be furious in his position.

I think supporting your DH is more important than your DC having a relationship with his grandparents. If you were nc with your family how would you feel if your DH actively encouraged your dc to have a relationship with them.

Excellent advice as always Atilla.