Doubting my choice

[Kakamora]

A year ago my 2 year long relationship with the love of my life ended but we stayed in contact and saw eachother every 6 weeks or so. We both were struggling with bad MH and the relationship became hard when we both had to deal with our own demons.

Anyway, 4 months ago I met someone and I was very removed from the relationship at first but I’ve since really imagined my life with him as he adores me and Is the loveliest man ever. Recently we’ve talked a lot about the reality of how we want to live together and get married and start a family in the future. (I’m talking years off)

But we have been having a little look at apartments and such and now it feels very very real and I know in my heart deep down he isn’t my first choice. However my ex has told me he is not in good enough place in his life he can think about a relationship as he is sorting his own happiness first even though he loves me. Which is amazing for him but I am in love with that man and I know in my heart I love my boyfriend but I’m not in love.

But it seems silly to throw away a man who’s promising me everything I want in life to long for someone it’s impossible with.

I feel like I’m in a novel. Can I have some words for wisdom please :(

Kakamora I think the best thing you can do for yourself and your current DP is to break things off. It's not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that you are not fully committed to. What will happen if at some point down the line your Ex comes to you saying he is now ready to be with you? Would you leave this lovely man for your ex? Take a moment and think about how he will feel if the woman he 'adores' does this to him. Do the right thing and let him go now.

Don't string the new guy along if you're not able to commit, it's not fair on him and it would be selfish on him, either wait for the ex or stay single until you're ready to move on properly

But it seems silly to throw away a man who’s promising me everything I want in life to long for someone it’s impossible with.

It's just as silly to create a life with the new man whilst not really loving him; and knowing you'll always wonder what if.

If things don't work out with your ex; you need to get over him - or find someone who makes you feel like he does. Your current partner might be lovely; but he's not for you.

How old are you? If you’re in your 20/30s then don’t settle but if you’re in your 40s and don’t have time to waste then it might be worth sticking with the dependable guy. Plenty of arranged marriages work very successfully so no reason why this relationship couldn’t. I wouldn’t give up on the other guy yet if I was below 30/31 though.

but if you’re in your 40s and don’t have time to waste then it might be worth sticking with the dependable guy.
It's not an automatic process, where you have to marry by your 40's, or life ends you know! [Hmm]
I don't think anyone should settle, and end up with someone they aren't absolutely in love with, just because they think it's time they were coupled up.

I don't think you're being fair on your new partner. How would you feel if it was the other way around and you were effectively second best?

It's not fair to your new guy to carry on with this. You've said yourself he's not your first choice, and that's just not a good basis for a relationship.

What would happen if you carried on, got engaged/married/had a child then first guy clicked his fingers?

Please break up gently with your new guy and just be single for a while.

Forget your ex, you're probably looking back with an idealistic view of him which is different to reality.

Then decide what you're going to do regarding your current boyfriend. 4 months isn't a long time and there would be nothing wrong with leaving it a while longer before moving in together.