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Relationships

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Original poster

Thought we had no secrets

21 replies

NaToth · 01/08/2018 13:47

Long time lurker. Occasional poster on other boards.

DH and I, together seventeen years, married fifteen, no DC together, but both have DC (now grown up) from previous marriages. I was not the OW. His marriage had been over for ten years before I met him.

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my DSD, who is 30 now. In fact, I really have no relationship at all with her, despite my best efforts. When I first met her, I included her in things I did with my DC, and always paid for her, but she never spoke, she never showed any enjoyment and she never, ever said thanks. I stopped giving her Christmas and birthday presents in the end because she just put them to one side and again, never, ever said thanks. She has basically blanked me all the time I have known her, disrupted our wedding, didn’t speak to me at all on our wedding day, has lied to DH repeatedly (and continues to do so). Every year a Christmas card arrives without my name on it. That sums it up. DH has always excused her behaviour, which I know is a DH problem, because she was a teenager, because she was young etc etc.

DH asked me last week to clear out some paperwork in our filing cabinet at home. I started doing that last night, pulled a folder out from the back of the drawer and found I was looking at his divorce papers. Maybe I shouldn’t have looked, but I did. According to them, DSD suffered a birth injury, has SN of some sort and is on the autistic spectrum, and her additional needs were reflected in the financial settlement her DM received. I am stunned. I thought we had an open and honest relationship, but DH has never, ever even hinted at this.

I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 13:54

Is it relevant now? He should have told you but does it matter? You have no relationship with her either way.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 13:55

Maybe he promised never to tell anyone so she could live as normal a life as possible?
That is quite a betrayal though.
How does it affect you now?
Is it going to make any difference?
If not then I'd just head downstairs with the paperwork and say 'Just looking through this, while clearing out and I had no idea DSD was SN...etc. Why haven't you mentioned it before?'
And just see what he says.

AgathaF · 01/08/2018 13:56

I think you need to talk to him about it and ask him why he hasn't told you. Really, no-one here can answer that for you.

It sounds like you've had a tough time being step-mum to his daughter. Does he have other children?

NickyNora · 01/08/2018 14:11

Thats so sad.

Your DSD is Autistic not rude. Possibly if your husband shared that information, you would have understood her behaviour & had a relationship.

I would ask him why he didn't tell you...

SmileSweetly · 01/08/2018 14:51

With this information you could have had a very different relationship with her, with more understanding you would have had more insight and it might have improved your relationship with her to no end.

I'm guessing though, that he has been forbidden to tell anyone (by her, or her DM) and he has pushed it to the back of his mind and just gone into denial.

userxx · 01/08/2018 14:54

What NickyNora said. Things could have been very different had you known.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 01/08/2018 15:01

Maybe in his mid he was determined to treat her as 'normal' and he could ensure you did too by not telling you.

Cambionome · 01/08/2018 15:01

Ffs Shoxfordian!!! Of course it makes a difference!

If the op had known that the dsd was autistic she could have approached the relationship in a completely different way.

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 15:05

Yeah she could have done but you can be rude and autistic. Her stepdaughter's rudeness can't necessarily be excused.

It makes no practical difference now though. Nothing's likely to change.

Cambionome · 01/08/2018 15:10

Have you had much experience of dealing with autistic children Shoxfordian?

Shoxfordian · 01/08/2018 15:15

Autism obviously causes some issues but being polite is still possible when you're autistic. It's actually more disablist to imply that autism necessarily means rudeness.

billybagpuss · 01/08/2018 15:18

It may be that it never occurred to him, by the time you got together it was history. 10 years is a long time, he would have completely moved on, may have even thought he'd told you. In his head its old news. At the time the behaviour probably was more resentful teenager rather than anything to do with SN or autism.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 01/08/2018 15:22

This wasn’t his information to tell. If his DD was a teenager when you got together then she probably knew about her diagnosis and possibly asked for it not to be revealed to you. And that would be entirely her right. Not having secrets from your spouse doesn’t include other people’s confidential information IMO.

AgentJohnson · 01/08/2018 18:06

I suspect, given his behaviour that the 'issue' surrounding his DD's diagnosis is his. He could have helped you connect with her without revealing her diagnosis. What relationship does he have with her?

category12 · 01/08/2018 18:16

Maybe he's in denial about it himself. Yes, it's crucial information that would have been useful to bear in mind when she was younger. No clue why he would withhold it, it was like tying one hand behind your back

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 01/08/2018 18:16

I’d be furious!

My partners son (from previous marriage) is autustic and we had many detailed conversations about it before we met. He saw photographs of me and our house with a plan of each room before we met. We briefly said “hi” on Skype and I am extremely careful not to put him under social pressure by taking him to my relatives houses or asking him lots of questions out of the blue (better to do so when he’s talking about a topic he’s interested in).

Subsequently we have a really good relationship. I suspect you could have had too with you DSD had you known in advance.

He must have seen how upset the situation made both you and DSD yet said nothing!

MistressDeeCee · 01/08/2018 18:18

Thats so sad

Your DSD is Autistic not rude. Possibly if your husband shared that information, you would have understood her behaviour & had a relationship

This really sums it up NickyNora.

Nothing to add as I think I'd have burst into tears on the spot if it were me. All those years...

I hope you find a way through OP.

Cambionome · 01/08/2018 18:20

Exactly what Lipgloss said.

MistressDeeCee · 01/08/2018 18:20

I do agree with Black American tho that it wasn't his secret to tell.

Perhaps in later years DSD didn't want you to be told.

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/08/2018 18:24

Your DSD is Autistic not rude. Possibly if your husband shared that information, you would have understood her behaviour & had a relationship

I agree with this. My children are autistic, as am I. If you’d known then you could have approached things differently, or understood why she acted the way she did and processed it.

It’s a huge thing to keep from you.

Rebecca36 · 01/08/2018 18:38

I'm so sorry he didn't tell you, it must be hard finding out after so long.
Everyone has secrets, not all as big as this one but secrets nonetheless. It could be worse.

At least now you have some explanation for your stepdaughter's attitude.

Tell husband you know and I bet he pours everything out to you.

(((hug)))

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