Nail in the coffin-manchild husband.

[sonicshoegazes]

I could do a HUGE back story and you would all tell me to LTB but we moved on from the past and started a new slate when we got married 4 years ago (been together 15) 2 teenage children.

Anyway...

Today I've found out that he still hasn't paid his tax bill (due yesterday at the latest) that's sat there for a month! He's been driving round in his new car for 2 weeks without tax as he's not sorted that out yet and he owes me a substantial amount of money for all the kids birthday presents and various other stuff, that I have sourced and paid for on my own-he had no clue what our dd had for her birthday and didn't watch her open them nor had he enquired.

I have to stick reports under his nose and make him read them otherwise he shows little interest...I could go on for ages.

He works immensely hard-a workaholic, he doesn't need to it-we would be comfortable without him doing that and his bank account is very healthy-I know I see the statements-he's just very half arsed when it comes to sorting stuff out-unless I do it all.

I'm close to walk away, I'm angry and disappointed and no matter how much I love him-and I do-I'm finding I'm disengaging.

The kids pick up on everything and it's a running joke with them that he hasn't a clue what's going on in their lives, even though we tell him a million times.

I don't know why I'm posting-just venting. I'm so tired of it all. I'm a full time student and disabled and do everything!

Also (very outing) but I've waited 7 months for a birthday present, had no Christmas present (that I didn't pick up myself from Sainsbury's 2 days before Christmas when he kindly informed me he hadn't got round to buying me anything) or Mother's Day. I purchased my own Valentine's Day present-it's the same every year.

I buy cards and presents for his family-I'm enabling him aren't I?

Money isn't an issue.

I get this. I separated from my stbxh a few months ago, I had disengaged in the end without even realising and found his only contribution to my life ended up being financial. The main thing I missed after he left was when he would occasionally pick up milk or bread on the way home. It was enough for him but not for me. I struggle terribly With guilt as he was so passive in our lives he didn’t actually do anything wrong. But I decided life was too short. The children miss him but largely as he’s been so incredibly rubbish at staying in their lives - this is something he’s now having to learn. I don’t feel it was wrong to end it - but it’s been incredibly hard. I do feel like I’m becoming a person again in my own right rather than just facilitating everyone else’s lives. The anger, vitriol and complete lack of understanding on his part has been hard to cope with, so prepare yourself for that if you decide to take control. Sorry for the rambling chain of thoughts. I hope things get better for you

My ex was like this. He got diagnosed with ADHD in the end.

Are you me?

My husband is very similar, although not on the money side. We are not so comfortable. He can work hard and make things easier but often doesn’t. Spends a fortune on his sporting hobby and rearranges life to fit around it.

I asked him to sort the mortgage renewal and got a blank look. If pushed he can remember the children’s birthdays. My presents, when I get them, are always from Tesco grabbed on his way home from work.

The only year he had input into Christmas presents, he ordered the wrong thing, wasn’t compatible. The same year he lost a bag full of presents when he forgot to pick them up and someone swiped them although he didn’t notice until he got home.

I’d love for him to man up and take some pressure off me,

I'm sorry you have all had to go through similar.

Why are they so bloody frustrating😡

Why, if these men have always been this useless, did you marry them?

Love makes you stupid and blind...evidently.

Just stop! Stop doing these things for him, stop sorting out birthday cards for his family’s, stop being his skivvy! He is completely taking you for granted and I find it so sad that so many women seem to settle for being treated like this. It’s heart breaking. I really think you need to leave him, but failing that, at least get back in touch with your self respect. Don’t do anything for him that he wouldn’t do for you.

I find it so sad that so many women seem to settle for being treated like this. It’s heart breaking
Indeed - it's very frustrating.

OP please don't live like this.
Life is so so short.
Live it to it's fullest.
Do NOT settle!

These uber-facilitated men don't have to bother themselves remembering anything. So, they don't. It's almost like a monster you create.

I'd not have facilitated so much in the 1st place as (a) I don't find targeted helplessness sexy or attractive and (b) I would be unable to cope with the mental load of thinking for another adult as well as all the stuff I have to think about and organise.

I guess OP you have to try to imagine yourself in say 10 years time - will you have resolved yourself to situation and found coping mechanisms, or will you have been driven out of your mind?

I know some say stop doing everything, but the mental and physical clutter that would create in your home and lives is a road to impaired emotional health, because it's not a given that he will take up tasks and responsibilities that you give up. Cue the cycle of having to remember to remind him and being frustrated at having to remind him several times...ever more mental load.

Awful. I can't imagine or fathom living like this

I bet he's organised at work

As a pp suggested - perhaps he should be tested for ADHD. I don't think anyone wants to drive around without car tax - it's just not worth the hassle - should anything happen - at worst he could go to jail. So the fact that he is doing so - makes me think that there may be more to it than meets the eye. Hopefully, if he does have something else going on, once diagnosed that will be the start to him receiving help and becoming a more 'present' (no pun intended) partner. Good luck x

If he's that great at his job it means he must be organised there, right? He just can't be arsed because you're doing it for him and he doesn't value you enough to even buy you presents.

Yep! Ex husband like this. I could list all the things and none of them sounds bad in isolation but add them together...didn't renew tax (exactly the same, driving around with no tax or MOT) Didn't bother with my birthday (would just pretend it wasn't happening!), just got nothing done ever. It was exhausting - everything was on me. Would spend hours researching things but never making the decision - so then we would end up in a last minute panic. ALL THE TIME.
Just not funny! Then requiring huge praise for one thing achieved when I'd quietly done 10 things.

Totally on the ball at work however!

Chuck in a good measure of being controlling about any decisions I made and it wasn't good.

Feel and understand your pain.

@Mistress Cee, summed up exactly the stage I got to and one of the reasons why I left. Not only was it the lack of help, but just didn't find him attractive any more as a result.

Yeah my ex was similar but maybe not as bad. If I speak to him now then occasionally I feel the irritation rising that he's so oblivious. I left him at the kerb, life is much better now.

Yep, my ex very similar. Life now without all the resentment/frustration is 1000 times better. I wholeheartedly recommend being a single parent over that bullshit.

Is this man worth the amount of hassle he gives you OP? Does he have some amazing redeeming qualities that make him worth all the annoyance of having to constantly mother him?
Can you imagine doing this for the rest of your life? Because he won't change. For sure.

Another one saying STOP doing all these things for him

-The kids already know he's rubbish so stop covering

• Stop expecting presents, they're not coming. Buy yourself something nice if you want
• No more wife work buying his family gifts etc.

-And what whatever other shit you do to facilitate him

Then see if you still like him and want to be with him

He still hasn't sorted out any of his taxes. He's so blasé about it all.

I hope he gets pulled over by the police...might give him the shock he needs.😡😡😡😡

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this?.

What is in this still for you; what do you get out of facilitating your man like this?. This is as much about your behaviours as it is about him after all. Enabling him just gives you a false sense of control and helps no-one.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, who taught you to behave like you do now?. Who taught you how to be a people pleaser?. Did you see your mother behave similarly with her husband and run around after him to her detriment, where has this all come from?.