Calling me controlling as reason why he never helped me

[JanisJoplin73]

My STBXH says he’s my children’s father and not my helper. When I was very unwell he has not helped me with this being his reason. He did not help me kindly or readily throughout the marriage despite my having a very difficult load with my children one of which had special needs. His excuse is that he couldn’t because I am controlling. This might be true In some instances but generally he was just very ingenerous and lazy about helping me often to the point where I fell apart emotionally due to exhaustion at which point I’d be told by him to get help. I find this so upsetting and enraging and I am so afraid he will tell my children to whom I give and devote everything that this is why he has not been in their lives more. I actually think he was the controlling one as everything had to be on his terms and left until he was ready, I was always afraid of angering him and I could never plan, book, organise anything without it upsetting him and putting him under too much pressure. Does this behaviour ring any bells with anyone?

You're right in that he is lazy. You haven't controlled things, he has allowed you to take over the things he can't be bothered with, which is pretty essential as a parent. He has very little idea of what is expected as a husband and father. We all have to feel our way through when we start out as parents, but it becomes painfully obvious when one part of the team cannot be bothered and lets the other take over. To me, you're lucky he is a STBXH!

When my son was small he wrote me a list of everything he was not prepared to do.

He is their father and “ not a babysitter” although he only comes once a week to visit and cannot manage both children alone do I literally get no child free time.

I agree you are lucky to be rid of him.

It’s always easier to lay blame at the other person’s feet which is what he is doing and will continue to do. You won’t be there to ‘control’ anything when he sees his kids as you are seperated. He will get a taste for how hard it has been for you whilst you put your feet up and take a well earned break. If he cannot or will not look after the kids make arrangements via your solicitor that an adult is present during visits.

You will have no control over what he tells the kids - the kids will work it out for themselves when they are old enough or they will see the proof for themselves.

He sounds like a total prat! With the separate contact thing, build it into a massively positive thing for them, "oh you're so lucky that you get Daddy all to yourself and get to spend some amazing times with him" - just lay it on with a trowel. Who knows, maybe it is more beneficial for them, even if it isn't for you. You might not be completely child free, for now, but at least you are free of this idiot!