How to heal? Tips, advice, positive stories?

[twilightsaga]

I'm looking for any advice or tips on how people have got through life after ending a relationship. It was my choice to end the relationship with a partner of 5 years, 1 dc between us. The whole five years has been mostly down than up and I can't believe Iv stayed so long. He's had issues with drugs, Iv had to pay the bills etc as he has had debts and iv had to do majority of childcare. As well as this he constantly asks for money, expected me to do everything for him and regularly put me, my job, family and friends down with nasty and hurtful insults. So iv finally cut loose from him but despite the horror of the relationship it's like I have some sort of trauma bond with him that's hard to break. I'm scared to be on my own and what the future will hold. I tried so long to help him and be happy but it hasn't worked. Has anyone been through this and have any words?

No one?

We're just moving this over to relationships.

I exercised, talked a lot, started having a lot of sex (I appreciate this isn't how everyone copes, but I kind of fucked the pain away, sorry if that sounds crude....with one person mainly.). I had been in a 21 year relationship since the age of 17, and well, now I have semi healed I am living a bit like a teenager again when the kids aren't here.

But in the early days I talked a lot with my closest friends, cried, bonded even further with my two boys) and not much else. I ate what I could when i could, I just about functioned for the first six months.

Don't rush it, it gets easier. Take your time and let yourself be sad at times and happy at others. Learn about yourself however you feel is best.

I guess people deal with things differently, different dynamics to play, but talking it out does helps. You'll be grand again soon enough.

My ex was EA and I have had to ease myself away quite slowly, he still hasn';t quite got the message 18 months on, as he doens't really have an idea what I am doing now (has taken a long time to get to this stage). Cutting him from social media helped a lot. And not worrying what he thinks anymore. He can't hurt me anymore, I have new friends, had some fun, been low, but my god I am so much happier.

Good luck (( ))

Hi. Sorry you haven't had any replies. I'm not sure I have advice. I know its a cliche but it just gradually gets easier. I think when you choose to end a relationship you think you have no right to be sad. But please allow yourself to feel as you do. I am very sure this isn't what you wanted for your family. No matter how right the decision there's bound to be sadness.

But remember feeling sad doesn't mean it was a mistake.

On a practical note I forced myself to see people, socialise and do things when I could manage it. I tried to reconnect a little with old friends and remember what I used to enjoy doing. Equally if I needed to hide under the duvet for a day I did. And gradually it gets easier and I realised I had times were I'd been happy.

You'll get there op but it's tough.

My ex is an alcoholic and I too split from him after a similar amount of time due to the drinking and verbal abuse that came with it. To recover, I just got into routines of going out with my kids each day, talking to those who would get it rather than judge, also focussed on myself and losing weight, essentially getting back to how I was before him. The weight loss has been slow and steady but has really made me happier. Time really does heal and I’m so much happier without that additional mental weight dragging me down. It is hard at times, like when he met several women quickly post our split, but I just remember deep down that I made the right choice and I don’t need to live in fear anymore.

Thank you for your replies. It's strange because I do feel more free now but he's just causing a new set of problems now. Not having his contact when he's supposed to, threatening to not hand dc back after contact and just continuing the verbal abuse and name calling over messages. I wish I could cut him out but I can't because of dc and I think this is limiting me on moving on better.

Can I piggy back on this please?
No DCs but utter desolation, heartbreak, I ended it because he didnt want DCs (I had my own thread months ago and I didnt listen to the brilliant advice). Not going back but f*ck that deep, gnawing pain.

If he's messing around with contact, I'd think about using a third party for drop offs.

I suggest reading Guy Winch's books about broken heart and emotional first aid.

Going through this and bits of each post could have been written about me . Had several of my own threads on here recently.

Together 16 years , married just short of 7. 4 kids. Dealt with alcohol issues , cocaine use, violance and verbal and emotional abuse. Left and went back several times over the years as I loved him very very much
Thought If I tried harder he would be happier , tried to keep the family together and all the rest.

We split in April and I put myself into counselling and I recommend you do the same. It’s a place to go and dump it all when it builds up like a pressure cooker. Talk to friends. Post on here.

I have cried, laughed, felt numb / anger / relief / sadness / excited at the future. The whole lot. Sometimes all in the same day.

Approach gp for possible meds if you are struggling. I am on anti anxiety meds which have been increased and they are blocking a hell of a lot of the feelings and pain. Some days I write stuff down. Some days I listen to certain songs and sob and howl. I sleep a lot probably too much. I over eat massively.

Some days I don’t get dressed or brush my teeth
Other days I dress up , put make up on and go out. The housework gets neglected then I go mad and do it all. Feel better in a clean tidy home. A lot of the time atm quite shamefully I don’t interact with the children much
It’s about just getting through the day and getting them to bed atm

I initiated divorce proceedings very quickly as I knew once I did that was it there would be no turning back. That’s what has probably had a large impact on the split remaining permanent

@Changedname220 thank you for sharing your story. Your relationship sounds very similar to what mine was except we wasn't married. Despite both earning full time wages, we never had any money as he would waste all his money and then sponge mine. I think I feel numb at the moment. He's destroyed my self confidence by saying I'm disgusting, ugly etc and his family are now joining in on the insults. It grieves me that my child has to go there to someone who's so abusive.

Where did you go for counselling as I can't afford to pay private? I think it would help me a lot.

twilight what you say about leaving him but getting a new set of problems is the same as my experience, we go from getting on ok and being amicible and he is sensible, to him kicking off again etc. He also likes a drink. I have had to worry a few times about the kids, his relationship with the eldest canbe tricky and now I am not there to referee I worry. The kids though on the whole are happy, they like being with their dad, and most of the time it is ok.

They now 18 months on have completely accepted why I left, know I won't ever go back, and they are much happier. Both the oldest and youngest have thrived.

You will have up and down days, you will have days where you can conquer anything and days when you feel like you don't want to do anything. You will have been living in a high stress state, which causes adrenal fatigue, look it up, you might identify with some. Not only that but you have to try and put yourself back together again and remember who you were before all this shit dampened your shine.

You can also be sad about what you lost, about the relationship. Allow yourself time. I started seeing someone quite soon after I split with my ex, only as a FWB arrangement and for me it was a perfect distraction. I then stater OLD about a year after we split but in all honesty I wasn't ready until probably the last couple of months to invest anytime into that. I know have made lots of nice friends, had a few trysts with some amazing guys, and I am comfortable in my own skin again. I still don't think i am ready for a relationship but I am having fun :)

Sounds like he was very abusive.
Have you had support from domestic abuse organisations?
If not then make that your first call today.
Give Womens Aid a call. They can recommend local counsellors in your area who specialise is abuse.
Also do their Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
It will help you come to terms with what you went through.