So confused - should I walk away or over reacting?

[FitandMiss]

Hi, never posted a thread before but long time forum lurker so I'm hoping the MN collective can give me a bit of a sanity check as I'm tying myself in knots. I'm sorry if this ends up rambling but struggling to keep my thoughts in order.

As background we've been married for 13 yrs, 1 DC. We've always had our ups and downs but it's been really hard since having DD. She's disabled and I deal with pretty much all of her care/ appointments/ medications. He admitted recently that if I was to disappear tomorrow he'd be screwed as he hasn't got a clue.

We both work, and he does shift work which is a nightmare. Who does what is an ongoing bone of contention. He earns well and does long hours but all but refuses to do anything he doesn't want to in his time off. His attitude is that I work part time so the rest of my time is "me time", yet if I ask him to do the things I do in that "me time" like school runs or attend appointments on his day off the response is usually Are you joking? I guess I'm saying I think he's selfish, have told him I think that more than once, he says I'm probably right, says he'll be more involved with family life , might give it a go then reverts to type. It feels like he doesn't want to do anything with me and DD, although we usually have fun when we get out and do things, and in fairness he can be great with her when he wants to.

He's always had grouchy moments but the last couple of years have been a nightmare. We've both had issues with depression at different times and I think possibly he's struggling again now. He had refused more counselling, but is now going to take it up but is very clear he thinks it's pointless and I'm really not sure if actually his behaviour is a symptom of the depression or the cause.

Recently I can do nothing right, I haven't hoovered, there's nothing he wants to eat,
he's had to pick up milk on the way home as i haven't had time, my tv choices are rubbish etc etc He thinks that his need for me time is more important that helping me (he'll have a day off, spend it all in bed while I do school runs, work, housework etc then go mad when I ask him to do dinner, initially just refusing then getting shouty because he says he does loads of the cooking) he's impatient with DD , he has no real interests he pursues because he's either at work, in bed or in the pub.

And drinking is my big issue at the moment. He used to drink a lot more, it was a concern but he cut down although he still drinks far more than I like. He'll go down the pub, come home in the early hours then stay up drinking till the morning. A couple of times he has still been sat in the chair drinking when DD gets up in the morning. I've told him before it's a deal breaker and I don't want her growing up thinking it's normal. When we've had this argument earlier in the week he actually said he can't see the problem, that he doesn't have to live by my rules and that I treat him like a child.

We have talked sensibly since then about splitting or trying a temporary separation. Soon DD and I are going away for nearly a week and I'm hoping he'll see sense. But part of me thinks that even if he does it'll be short lived and we'll be back here again in a few months. I can foresee a decent future for just me and DD so maybe I need to just rip the plaster off. Yet another part of me (which is cringing now I've put this in writing) thinks maybe he's right and I'm controlling and over reacting. I do like to be in control so I know what's going on. Which actually leads to another issue, he's very secretive about finances and his contact with other people. Although he earns a really good wage years back I had to bail him out, and while we have a split of bills I'm happy with despite being on a fraction of his wage I pay for everything for the house, trips, stuff for DD and her activities, and we have no savings to speak of, which is odd because I really don't know where he spends his wages.

Please MN talk sense to me. My mum is supportive of whatever I choose but probably rightly won't highlight his flaws whereas DS thinks we should work on it.

Sorry for the essay!

He's sounds like a dick. Does he have any good points? What do you get out of this relationship? He sounds like a teenager who doesn't have to do anything because Mum will do it.
From this limited info, If I was you I would seriously have a look at what you and your DD get from this relationship.

He does have good points, although lately it's harder to see them. He's got lots of interests, some we used to share and have had a lot of enjoyment from, others I like listening to him tell me about. Lately we barely talk though. I've always admired how hard he works and despite being hard to talk to about money since straightening things out I've always felt I could rely on him to bring home the bacon. If anything he's generous to a fault. DD dotes on him and when he can be bothered he does take her out and they have a lot of fun together. He can be great company, very sociable, but only on his terms. In one of my social circles in particular it's a bit of a joke that he's my imaginary husband as he never comes out with us. He encourages me to go out and do stuff, exercise and see friends , but that actually feels like a negative because he never seems to want to go out with me.

I think you're right, told him the other night he needs to stop acting like a single 20 something. I feel awful though because most of the time we co-exist peacefully and I wonder if I should pull our family apart when I can tolerate it but then we go though a bad patch. Each time it happens though I feel like I pull away and accept the idea a split is inevitable a little more.
I'm stuck between not wanting to split and just making the best of it and wanting to just say that's it, no more. Worst thing is DD seems to be picking up on it , asking him why he's making me sad.

He's just gone off out for the evening, be interesting to see, with the current strained environment, what time he rolls in and heads to bed.

I'm doing lots of reading and research so know it wouldn't be a disaster for me and DD if we split.

He says you treat him like a child and yet he is perfectly happy to act as if he himself is a teenager and you are his mother - he won't take responsibility for his children (as if they were his siblings as opposed to his own children), he won't take responsibility for getting milk that he presumably drinks, and expects you to arrange all the food (expecting you as "mum" to provide for all his catering needs).

This is far more common than you'd think. I combated it by asking if he'd like to have sex with his mum. Obviously he looked repulsed. Then I asked why he is happy for me to behave as I if was him mum, then expect to sleep with me. Presumably I am his wife and partner in bed? Yes, he said, looking baffled. Then I am your wife and equal partner in everything else, and you need to stop behaving like a teenage boy. This actually hit home.

For me the biggest issue would be the drinking and depression, as if he is on tablets, they won't be working properly and could actually be making things worse.

If you're able to make a clean break of it, I think I'd be giving it some serious consideration as the other behaviours are just general male behaviours that seem to hit all men between 30 and 45, but the drinking, and the arrogance when you rightly challenge it, that's crappy and would be a massive game changer for me.

Write a list of the good and the bad...financially it doesn’t sound great ... you earn less, pay half af bills and most of the fun stuff, to enable him to drink? You are prioritising your family in time and money. What is he doing in response? What is his admirable hard work (outside the home ???) bringing your family? I really divided as he sounds like an indulged child...and he’s actually complaining about it!

There's a lot of 'he can be ......'. That means he can't be arsed to be xyz. He is actually choosing not to be part of family life, not to be fun and interesting and supportive and affectionate etc etc etc. Actively choosing not to be!
There seems to be only one he IS....... and that's hardworking at his job. And you can only presume that from the hours he is away from home and his say so? You don't know if this hardwork is reflected in his wages because he's secretive. And I assume his say so is followed quickly by I'm too tired from my hard work to do xyz or be involved in family life?

Are you happy because it’s ok to leAve if that is what you want

Thinking on it you're right, childish is probably more accurate. He has a bit of a rough childhood and has said himself he is making up for lost time. He's so inconsiderate and refuses to tell me plans so I can arrange things for me and DD around them. I suppose I do feel like his mum, pretty sure though if he's right that I treat him like a child it's because of his behaviour in the first place.

I'm so tired of the cycle we're stuck in, lost count of how many times he's told me he's going to pack a bag and go, or that we should divorce. And 're the sex thing, there's been no intimacy for ages.

He's not on any medication, I did suggest a couple of weeks ago that if he was struggling again he should go back to the GP and look into that but typically has ignored the suggestion and done nothing. He's been told by a couple of health professionals as well as me and his friends that alcohol isn't great if you're depressed but he clearly knows better.

Heading out last night was telling to me, things are so up and down, he knows I'm away for a spell and why so thought if sorting this out meant anything he'd make an effort but first opportunity and he's off out. I can't wait until we go away, think when we get back I'll know what's what.

He sounds awful

Work full time he may do, but it doesn't mean it's a bloody pass for not parenting. Or being a husband.

It sounds like you do almost everything, how is that fair? How is that respectful? How is that a supposed partnership? Etc

I don't know how you haven't exploded with resentment tbh. I was in a similar situation and it made me so angry that there was another capable adult in the household who did absolutely nothing.

If you have children being a parent isn't optional.

What is he really bringing to the relationship apart from a salary that he is very secretive about? I don't want to be unkind, but you really have set the bar very low here.

Cam, not unkind just honest and I can't really argue with that. I feel like it's my own fault though for not reading the warning signs early on and still deciding to have a child with him.

I am resentful and it's not a partnership really. Occasionally it feels like we can take on the world together but mostly it feels like me and DD against the world with him watching. In the past he's said our troubles are my fault because I'm so focused on DD - true but hard not to be when she has so many appointments and therapies, and I've always encouraged him to be as involved as possible, he tends to choose not to even when he is available.

Still wavering as DSis came round for a chat and she thinks we should try and work things out. I think the glimmers of thoughtfulness that sway me are in her mind too.

I could have written your OP, years ago. Have a disabled DC.

It didn't get better, it actually got a lot worse. The drinking particularly. The divorce was very acrimonious and I waited far too long to do it.

I think he needs you to follow through on the separating thing, so he actually has to shop, cook etc for himself. And perhaps a weekend away for you, so he can be sole parent ...?

Eugh, so sick of men who think they can have kids, and then absolve themselves of any parenting responsibilities. Why did he have a child if he wanted to act like a teenager?

I couldn’t keep a man like this around, but if you plan to, I’d at least tell him that I was thinking about leaving him and going for 50/50 custody, because you’ve realised that he makes your life harder rather than easier so you don’t see the point of the relationship anymore. Might give him a kick up the arse, but I doubt it’ll last.

How would he feel if you went away for that week and stayed away?

I expect you'd hope he missed you and appreciated you more. But isn't it likely he'll drink his head off and not miss you at all?

I don't mean to be cruel, but it doesn't sound like he has any kind feelings for you - and probably hasn't for a long time.

If you do divorce, he'll have to disclose his earnings and you'll probably be financially better off. Physically too, as you're already doing everything and you won't have to look after him as well.

Take the time he's at work to sort out any important papers etc that you would need if you decided to stay away. Get everything ready. See if there's anything useful of his that would give you some insight into his secret financial life.

Start standing up for yourself by being prepared. It doesn't mean you are leaving, it just makes it easier if it comes to that.

He's being lazy, inconsiderate and selfish.

That's the crux of the matter.

How you resolve that is the million dollar question...but he needs to recognise how it gets for you and decide if he's prepared to make any changes to improve the marriage.

I can imagine that you hardly feel like intimacy when someone behaves like this.

It’s not you, it’s him.

I can’t really add much to what everyone else has said, but I agree that you’d be far happier without him. He’s dragging you down and making life harder, not easier. He’s a selfish, immature idiot. Do yourself a favour and get rid.

Thank you all for your thoughts, I know you're only getting my side but hearing an outside perspective is really useful. I'm just so tired and really could do with the energy for all the battles that you face having a disabled child.

To answer the question about how he'll react to me being away, he's agreed he'll miss us and that it won't feel like home without us there. He felt like that when I took her away for a few days a while back. However when he's not working I expect he'll take full advantage of being out all hours and not being asked to do things with us. He might buck his ideas up a bit but from previous experience it won't last.

I have already been a bit proactive, don't think he'll be difficult if we split but want to protect myself so found his wage info from the last tax year and scanned it along with mortgage statement and a couple of other important bits of paperwork. Fortunately on the basis of his previous crap financial management the only joint account we have is the mortgage so don't have to worry on that front. I don't think he has money I don't know about but suspect there's more credit card debt than he's admitting to.

I really think I'd do fine out of a split, just the one child to look after then and no more dashed hopes.

I don't think he'd want 50/50 custody, his work would mean lots of childcare needed and with her issues that's neither cheap nor easy to come by. In the past when he's moaned about work and how I'm only part time I suggested we swap as full time my wage wouldn't be bad although still no comparison to his. He immediately declined saying he couldn't cope with all the childcare and organisation I have to do.

My plan is to treat him as a housemate (although at least housemates usually split duties!) until we have the upcoming break. After that I'll see how the land lies, but I'm not hopeful.

Out of interest... DSis and best friend think we should try counselling first. They don't know how tough it's been as I don't like sharing this sort of thing so doubt they appreciate how it's all mounted up. I don't think he'd go and even if he agreed not sure he'd talk openly or act on it. Is it unreasonable not to suggest it and give it a go?

He doesn't care enough for counselling to work.
And please don't try to think of him as a housemate because he'll still expect you to do everything for him and you still care about him. You need a clean break.

Why on earth would you want to stay with him? Your life will actually be a lot easier without him in it. He will have to contribute maintenance but you won't get any of the sulks or insults.

He sounds like a rotten husband, but even worse than that he's a rotten father.

Well done on getting his financial information, do not let slip that you have this. And get all other paperwork in order etc before your holiday.

I would usually recommend counselling but in this case, I don't think it's worth it. Well, I don't think HE is worth. Just cut the cord and make plans to leave.

Peekaboo, that's just to keep myself sane for the next few days. A clean break is what I really want, no uncertainty any more, but feel like having said we'll see what happens after a bit of space feel like I need to honour it.

Won't be mentioning the scanning session or other docs I've squirreled away. As paperwork is my "job" he wouldn't have a clue where to find most of my personal or joint bits anyway!

I don't think counselling is worth the time, cost or effort but was surprised how much the people I've spoken to saw it as really important.

Lots of people want you to stay together because they're used to it that way, and either don't care about what you put up with or don't know the half of it.

The best advice I had was being asked, Why do you think being single would be so bad, compared to how you feel now?

It put into perspective how badly I felt most of the time. And being single was such a relief.

Glad to hear you have a plan FitandMiss - it may not be easy but I'm bloody sure it'll be worth it.

As others have said, he has plenty of money to pay for his own care.

As PP says, counselling will only work if both parties want it to.
I think people sometimes pursue/suggest counselling purely to reassure themselves, and friends and family, that they have tried their hardest to see if the relationship is salvageable.

Peekyboo (how do you highlight/tag other users btw?) that's what I'm asking myself. I am now seeing that actually I've got lots going for me and being single would take a lot of pressure off me really. I do feel like even saying finally That's it, let's end it and starting to make plans for the future separately would be a relief.

I know it'll be hard and I'm worried about how it will affect DD but as the current situation is having a negative impact on her I think long term it'll be fine for her.

Crunched I wonder how many people do it hoping it'll work versus because it's expected abd the done thing...