Unexpected anger / non-commutative

[Ss770640]

Relationship 12 years. Married 5. 4 yo son.

Long story short she's left me for her co-worker. She's admitted cheating (apparently validated because she asked for a seperation, which I declined). And still seeing the guy despite denying it. On her way out blamed me for everything. She's known the guy 3 months on exit. Currently at 9 months. My issues really are trivial given destruction of marriage and family life.

Part of the cheater /MLC script. Straight from textbook.

My question is this, I confronted her on the lie. That it was a "one off mistake". Despite seeing the guys car at her new house most night.

But why is she harbouring resent and anger towards me?

I made it clear a separation = divorce. Which I'm happy to do. She's clearly moved on.

Any advice on how to handle an angry narc of a STBXW when in fact she committed the marital sins?

Far as I'm concerned we are done. Yet she could barely mutter a happy birthday upon handover.

Would appreciate advice from those before me. What to do. Timescale etc.

You can get the divorce going. There is help out there for men who are abused by women. If you look at the links on the Women's Aid website you will find the links

She's angry because you a) worked out what was going on and b) called her on it. No-one likes their sins pointed out to them - she'd probably found a way to justify it all to herself, and then you went and spoilt it for her. She's angry with you for making her feel guilty, and she's angry with herself for giving you a reason to make her feel guilty. It will get easier with the passage of time.

Best advice is to only communicate over the children, bite your tongue constantly, and don't take any notice of what she says on the doorstep. She is probably feeling guilty and wants you to bite back at her to give her a reason to be angry and cause a row. Don't give her the ammunition - if nothing else, your children will thank you for it.

Appreciate the advice.

It certainly feels that's way.

1. So much anger makes me think it's misdirected. She really believes her own lies too much. Apparently I'm the cause of the separation whilst she's sleeping with another. Apparently she left me because of me. But I called her on it. Erm no, your not leaving because of me but leaving because you want to be with him. Not rocket science when I see the guys car parked out front.

1. What are the next typical steps for someone in my position? Ie. She did wrong. Blames me. Leaves, then remains angry? All very interesting / confusing to me.

Agree with all the other posters so far.

This is clearly a defence mechanism. With extra cruelty to the innocent party (me).

What on earth is she thinking / expecting?

I'm happy to divorce her cheating ass. Tbh want to no longer speak.

I'm just curious why she's still so angry at the person who is actually damaged, alone and hurt (me, not to mention my son)

It is a defence mechanism and it is herself that she is angry at, not you. Though perhaps she may have wanted you to run over hot coals to get her back, so some of it may stem from that. It could also be that the grass wasn't so green after all. But all of that is her issue. Turn it on its head - feel relief that you no longer have to cope with her behaviour, you are free to continue on in her life, and eventually the doorstep thing will change to a beep outside the house. Also she's probably annoyed that she's losing control of you; by trying to pick a fight, she has your attention. Don't be drawn into the game.

(Really is bonkers how a person can be hypnotised so much by a random stranger when faced with total destruction of a family unit and so much time together).

I'm convinced her anger is a defence mechanism to get me to respond in kind / pursuit. In reality I'm happy to not just stay separated but instead divorce. (At the beginning of the seperation she was hesitant to divorce, opting instead for a "seperation with a view to divorce").

Sigh my wife has been hypnotised / cock-notysed.

So much for "better or worse" vows. Biggest waste of money I've spent (wedding)

Agree with all the responses so far.

My simple explanation of scenario fits exactly with my thoughts so far.

She never wanted to see a MC, never wanted a date night post split, never wanted post split flirting, rejected "alone time" post split, simply because she's already in love / infatuated, before leaving the marriage. Ouch, which she denied of course.

My red flags were like Houston control panel.

Yet she expects a normal family life. None of which she's had since. Ie I'll sleep elsewhere but I'll come over for family time. No word a lie what she expected.

Another poster hit the nail on the head. Emotional abuse. Walking on eggshells was normal for me.

Now she can't even manage a simple evening to discuss future seperation / financial issues.

So far I've been NC / minimal contact. She's ignoring / delaying issues concerning marital debt. I'm paying for two houses and credit card without a job, whilst she's washed her hands of everything.

Christ why did I marry a rubbish person. Is it so hard to find someone decent!?