Problems with a very close friend

[Fionastaffs]

This is my first post! I have spent lots of time thinking about this issue and wanted to open it up to get some thoughts, thanks in advance!

I have a very close friend who I've known for about 15 years. For a long time, we messaged every day, met up a lot, and it all felt equal in terms of appetite to meet up, do things etc. But for the last year or so I feel like I'm forcing her to meet up for dinner or whatever. For a while I thought it must have been something I'd said or done wrong, but it seems that she's withdrawn from most activities and spends all her time at home watching TV - I suspect that she is depressed as never seems happy or positive anymore when I do see her. I did ask whether I'd done something to upset her and she said no, and that was it.

I feel stuck - if she is depressed I want to help her, but whatever questions I ask I just get fobbed off, it's like getting blood from a stone. I really do want to help her, but I can't see how and it's impacting me too, I spend a lot of time thinking about what might be the issue, including lying awake some nights. I spend ages trying to send her the "right" What's App messages, and feel that I'm treading on eggshells. And of course I also worry that I have done something to upset her in some way, but I have no idea what it could be.

I want to help her, but selfishly I know I need to think about myself as well. What can I do??

Thanks all! xxx

She may well be depressed.
But unless you are a healthcare professional there is not much you can do.
Just let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs you.
But this is something she needs to sort out for herself.
You can't make her do anything.

I hear you, Fionastaffs. Having been in a very similar situation- it's soul destroying. I've had to pull back in the end and we didn't have any contact for a couple of years. She recently got back in contact and she is in an emotionally abusive relationship. We are back in contact but it's not how it was before and I'm still trying to find my feet. I think you may need to let her go for now, especially if the whole situation with her is starting to affect your own wellbeing.

Send her a friends forever card with a simple message saying that you care. Or a fridge magnet with something appropriate message wise. Be patient, she's probably going through a tough time emotionally that she's not ready to share with anyone just yet.
However, sometimes, we can over-invest in others emotionally, especially if we're naturally of a caring disposition. Maybe, there's an element of over-investing here? And just maybe, a bit of over-thinking?
I mention this as I've done it myself.
And it took a fair bit of self analysis to work it all out!

I'm currently in a very similar situation OP. My best friend has become quite withdrawn and like yourself I have invested so much time worrying about the situation, wondering if I've said anything wrong. It's draining to be honest - the constant over thinking and over analysing. I have come to the conclusion that I haven't changed or done anything wrong but I do need to pull back from the situation. For my own sanity I have to. And maybe you need to get to that point too? Zzz

xxx not zzz

I’m in a very similar situation op! I just don’t know how hard to push things sometimes and feel like a pest and taken for granted if I always initiate but then they say they are low and lonely and I think I should do more? I don’t have the answers.

I also think palla makes some good points about over investing too. I’ve been guilty of this too

If she's still willing to meet up with you, and says you haven't done anything wrong, I don't think she has anything against you. Or why would she continue to meet up?

There are a wealth of reasons why she has become withdrawn, and whatever is going on she obviously isn't willing or able to tell you at the moment. I don't think getting yourself worked up to the extent that you are lying awake at night etc is helping anyone. She's already said she doesn't have a problem with you, so feeling that you are tiptoeing round her will make her uncomfortable. I'm sure she will pick up on it if she hasn't already.

In the nicest possible way, it's not about you. She might need some non judgemental and uninvolved company away from her problems, but if you are uncomfortable being in that situation, just stop organizing meet ups.