Hello
I always read the relationship threads on here although I think I must be a masochist as so many of them strike a chord with me.
So my ex-boyfriend (as of today) has basically used me as a cash-cow for the last 5 years. He has been in and out of work and I have always been able to ensure we have had all bills paid, food on the table, even to go on holidays. He always blames other people for the reason he has been sacked or left, though from my perspective it's because he is consistently late, has problems with authority and does not mesh well within a team. From his last dismissal in January 18 he decided to open up a business, I said that's great, as long as you can support yourself whilst you set it up. However he hasn't. He has not been able to support himself and so to stop us from getting into debt I have again taken on the role of bill payer. I have written job applications for him, filled in forms, lent money to bring him out of his overdraft numerous times (most recently £150 yesterday) and have even given him money when he hasn't had any as I didn't want him to have to live like that. I had been doing really well paying into a help to buy ISA however it has gone from £2,000 to £850 since May and I can't afford to pay into it anymore.
This man is 38.
Along side all of this, my ex-boyfriend consistently gaslights me, takes offence at the slightest comment I might make about being unhappy, stressed, or skint. If we have an argument it always takes the same pattern - i'll say something, he won't agree, he will talk over me and bring in other things he's angry about or that I've done wrong, then will get louder and louder so that I can't actually talk, so that I can't even think straight as he's bombarding me with volume. He will stand up and walk around shouting his side of the argument instead of having a calm discussion like adults. This really gets to me so after a while I will, I admit, lose it and end up screaming at him and storming off. Then he gets the upper hand and can ignore me and make me creep around him apologising for days on end. It's like waiting for a storm to break, the tension is unbearable.
I do so much around the house and I feel he doesn't do anywhere near as much as I do, but when I ask him to help out he gets angry.
Just to add I work full time in the NHS in a fairly responsible position, I can't live like this it distracts me in a Job where I cannot get distracted (people could get hurt). I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. But then I question myself, am I as bad, as inconsistent, as moody and 'crazy' as he makes out??
He has had emotional affairs on social media with (at the time) a work colleague.
He is combative and will be really rude in restaurants if he needs to complain.
He is cruel and won't give me any affection despite me craving it desperately.
I'm a fraud and I can't believe I've been living like this. Today I have told him (after a tangential row about him not wanting a dog despite us having one, which started off with me asking him what time he was going to his friends yesterday) he needs to leave and not be here when i get back from work at 6.
I spend so much time advising women in abusive relationships and have been lying to myself and all my friends and family for 5 years.
I know when I get home my resolve will fail and I will be chasing him again. I've deleted his number. I want to change the locks but cant afford it. If he goes I'll be left sitting in a bare living room as he owns all the furniture and the TV in there. But I don't care I'd rather sit in an empty room than be in this ridiculous excuse for a relationship any longer.
He doesn't want kids, he doesn't want to get married, what am I even doing trying to change this man.