Help!!

[zobo90]

Hi everyone. This is my first post and I don't know where else to turn. I am 25 years old and have been in a relationship with DS dad for 8 years now. He is an amazing father, partner not so much. He has a very short temper and will shout and scream at me for the most unnecessary things such as using the iron first on a morning. We both work long hours, me more so and he is really helpful around the house putting the washing on, having the tea ready etc. He also never lets me forget this and calls me names such as ugly, fat, thick, slg, bad mother and lazy. He knows how much this hurts me - I'm by no means fat I'm a size 8 but I excessive diet and have a bad relationship with food as a result- I am beginning to hate myself more and more everyday and my self esteem is low. I cannot phantom why anyone would call someone they love these things. Everything I do he has a problem with, if I put fake tan on to go out with my friend he says I'm sl*gging myself up etc. I've confronted him about his behaviour and his response is "your not perfect. I don't come without my flaws, I work a stressful job and I am a mother which I can sometimes put before our love/sex life. He will go in a rage accusing me of all sorts when I don't want to have sex, he can't understand that I don't want to have undress and have sex with someone who called me ugly 4 hours ago. Sometimes I feel like I HAVE to have sex with him so I don't get an earful which I know isn't right.
Lately, I have been feeling more distant than ever, I am beginning to imagine a life for myself without him even though I know he will make my life a living hell. However, we have recently bought a house together. Mortgage is in his name although I put half of the deposit down. I pay all the utility bills and we split everything half down the middle. I don't know if I will regret leaving him, I don't know if I will be happier. I don't know how it will affect my 4 yo. I just feel like I don't know anything, I don't even know who I am anymore.

Any advice from anyone in a similar situation would be amazing x

How can he at all be an amazing father if he treats you as this child's mother so very abusively?. Why did you call him an amazing father?. He is not an amazing father at all, women in poor relationships often write such guff when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Your man is abusive through and through and you met this person when you were very young. You likely had little self worth then and certainly had no real life experience behind you. He saw something within you he can and has indeed fully exploited to his own ends, he targeted you really.

How is it that you are not named on the mortgage (and I presume here as well the title deeds) although you put in half the deposit?. What lies did he tell you?. That is money you may well never see again either; you need legal advice re this. How is it he's got you to pay all the utility bills too and split money down the middle, again what did he tell you?. He sees you really as a complete mug

Abusive men as well can and do continue to make their chosen target's life difficult post separation but that does not mean to say you should not free yourself from this individual.

I would call Womens Aid and your local domestic violence service at the police station today as a matter of urgency. It will do your child no favours at all for he/she to grow up seeing his/her mother being abused by her dad. You will in all likelihood need to apply for a non molestation order and employ further legal means to get him out of your day to day lives for good.

Children are perceptive and your 4 year old is already picking up on all the vibes; this person is learning about relationships from the two of you and he'/she is certainly seeing you being abused on a daily basis. That will affect your child very badly.

You and this man cannot stay together any longer; the relationship is well and truly over because of his abuses of you (and in turn your child).

Totally agree with everything AttilaTheMeerkat said.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid as this will help you better spot red flags in future. He did target you zobo and of that I have no doubt whatsoever.

Abuse like you describe takes a long time, years even, to recover from and that process will only start when you are completely away from him. Do not keep this a secret any longer (abuse also thrives on secrecy), bust this wide open now and use professional support to get you and your child away from your abuser.

Everything Attila said
He's abusive and horrible to you
You'll be much happier without him

My name isn't on the mortgage as I wasn't in a permanent job at the time and we were going to add my name on once I become permanent. I'm a teacher and perm contracts around my area are sparse.

My DS is beginning to pick up on these behaviours and will often run to when he starts to shout and say "I will protect you". I feel so emotionally disconnected. I don't cry even anymore. He is really good with our child I could never discredit him about that. On the other hand he orchestrates the PERFECT family man persona. It's just little things I've noticed over the past few months. A birthday party for DS for example, I was up at 6 organising everything while he did nothing and the only time he started doing things was when the first guest walked through the door. Like a switch had changed him into a whole different person.

He is a very handsome man and I guess when I was younger I was quite insecure and couldn't believe I landed him. I am just scared of life after. Scared of being alone, scared of not seeing my baby as much, scared of never finding anyone else - last thing on my mind right now.

Sorry for rambling I just have no one else to turn to. X

He had no intention at all of adding you to the mortgage; infact you could have been added but he chose not to allow you to do that (and your own lack of knowledge on such things has hampered you too). The money you put in for the deposit may well have to be recovered if possible as well (that is not certain) by legal means.

Abusive men can and do appear plausible to those in the outside world but am certain that one or two have their own suspicions about him. What did you learn about relationships when growing up exactly, what sort of an example did your parents set you?. Where are your parents in all this, is anyone supportive of you here?. He certainly did target you at 17; you being young and with little self worth was easy prey for such a man to get his claws into.

You are not alone now; you have your child to consider here as well and your son seeing you as their mother being abused by your abuser of a bloke will do him no favours at all. He is already feeling the effects of the abuse because of his "I will protect you" saying and persona. Please do not do him any more emotional harm going forward by staying at all with your abuser. Your son and you deserve far more and NO he is not good with your child simply and purely because he abuses you as this child's mother.

Use the resources I have suggested and reach out to those in authority. You need to take the first, often the most hardest of steps, to make those calls.

Fear of their abuser often keeps women within such relationships and whilst that is understandable you still cannot stay within this relationship with him. He will kill you if you stay. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied as you are now. And stop having sex with him as doing so will further screw you up, he is really treating you as a piece of meat.

No court in the land would give him any amount of custody because of the abuse he metes out towards you but you are going to have to be brave and put your big girl pants on to get rid of your abuser for good. You are a teacher; your skills are transferable and you may be able to seek advice from your union as well particularly if you are a member of such.