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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Babies father. Ex partner..

14 replies

CBates · 31/07/2018 09:48

So i had a little boy in January,he was born 27+6 so was 3 months early and extremely poorly. I had had abuse from his father all the way through my pregnancy and i tried to make it work for little ones sake. That just didn't work, he would come on to the intensive care unit and call me all sorts of hurtful things(very explict and don’t like repeating them) he would look at our son lay there,really poorly on a ventilator, say that he wasn't his,proceed to shout at me and then leave. He barely visisted but this was what he would do everytime he did visit. He would send me so many nasty messages and call me over 10x a day to give me abuse. He threatened mine and our little boys life and even threatened to take him from me and move to Ireland if he had too. I was soon made aware that little one was to be coming home in a matter of weeks,on oxygen so i took my chance to protect the both of us as much as i could. I went to court and got a non-molestation order granted. Now though i am highly concerned and worried if he decides he wants contact(although he has never bothered beforehand,not even changed a nappy or fed him) its playing on my mind to the point that i am struggling to sleep.
I know your probably thinking its my own silly fault,but i wasn't to know to the extent truly of what him and his family were like,but that soon came to light. I disagree to contact altogether(yes he is on the birth certificate and in his name)BIGGEST mistake of my life! Basically to put it as shortly as i can, his family have a history of drug and alcohol abuse,there is always fighting and none of them are capable to even look after themselves. Little ones dad takes drugs,he’s violent and aggressive, he’s unpredicatble. Both him and his mother have threatened to take me to court for contact, now i’ve read that grandparents don’t really have any rights and its difficult to get contact. However it doesn't stop my concerns or my even bigger concerns over little ones dad, he has taken no part in the physical or emotional care of his son,he’s denied that he is even his dad, he has a very short fuse,the area where he lives is full of drugs and the wrong sort of people,they smoke and have pets in the house(my son has chronic lung disease) him and his father are usually rowing or fighting,little one doesn't know him, he has 2 other children and i have witnessed him not paying attention to them,smoking drugs and fags around them and drinking around them,he tries to get them to fight,he calls their mother nasty names trying get them to go back and tell her,he is very immature and i’m not quite sure how he would cope with a complicated baby(he needs meds,his nasal cannula changed and re-taped,he can also be very fussy when it comes to having his bottle) i generally believe that little one is at risk around him,not only mentally but physically. Due to him dismissing his illness even when he was told by doctors/consultants and nurses. I’m heartbroken at the fact that he could possibly get contact and get to jeopardise all the hard work my little boy and i have put in to get him this far(the hospital gave him 3 days to live,yes it was very serious) and i think i would be gutted if little one had a set back all because he wanted to get one over on me,not caring about the extent of the damage he could possibly cause. I left the area i lived in and moved away so he couldn't find us, now i’m scared for my little boy. I have visions of him returning from his dads and me having to rush him to the hospital because he has done something that has effected his breathing(even crying for too long effects his breathing) he knows none of what to do in this situation because he was never there.
What do you think his chances of getting contact are if i explain this in more detail to a solicitor?
Any advice or anything would be appreciated. I feel at such a loss with it all because i can’t predict what will happen that's if he even takes me to court for contact.
Thankyou in advance

OP posts:
Stimmyplip · 31/07/2018 10:29

I can't offer any advice op but wanted to say you sound like a great Mum and I'd seek legal advice straight away. Thanks

Stimmyplip · 31/07/2018 10:29

I don't know but logging EVERYTHING officially with someone would probably be a good first step.

niceupthedance · 31/07/2018 10:37

If you have moved away and he doesn't know where you are I'd be tempted to just leave it - no point poking a hornet's nest.
If he's a loser like you describe it's unlikely he will take you to court for contact. If he does then you can report your concerns and get cafcass involved.

SherbertLemon2011 · 31/07/2018 10:47

You can easily change your baby's name before the age of 12 months and get the birth certificate amended I believe. If they are christened it is more difficult i read

CBates · 31/07/2018 19:33

Thankyou, means alot to me and i will be doing x

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CBates · 31/07/2018 19:35

Everything that has ever happened is logged in a book, i logged everything myseld and police have reports too and reports from the hospital also

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CBates · 31/07/2018 19:36

He’s not even aware we are out of hospital,that’s how much interest he shows. And i have chosen to leave it for now unless obviously he tries to take me to court

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CBates · 31/07/2018 19:38

He was baptised due to his circumstances. But he is in his name and he’s on the birth certificate too, is it possible to do with without his consent? Because i have heard i need to have his consent to be able to do this x

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SherbertLemon2011 · 01/08/2018 08:00

If you cannot get him to agree then a court could make that decision if it is in the child's best interests. sorry it looks as if he won't agree then it may not be straightforward 😒

CBates · 01/08/2018 16:38

He would disagree all he could just to be spiteful. The last thing this little boy needs is him in his life and surely if he did take me to court then a judge would see that judging on what i was saying,i could physically cry just thinking about little one alone with him,it scares the life out of me x

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furandchandeliers · 01/08/2018 17:13

Sounds awful op but you sound like a great mum and very strong.

Does he know where you are now? Who knows where you are living?

CBates · 01/08/2018 17:28

I won’t lie it has been awful through everything i had to go through with little one ontop of his abuse too. And thankyou,that means alot. I had to be strong to fight for me and my son and to get us away from it all for his sake more than anything.
And nobody knows accept for my family and close friends

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furandchandeliers · 01/08/2018 18:38

Ok we'll make sure you don't let anyone else know, anyone who might let it slip where you are.

Will he pursue access through the court if he doesn't know where you are?

CBates · 01/08/2018 20:30

No i make sure nobody knows only my family that need to know especially when i’m practically in hiding from him. And i don’t know he threatened to take him off me when he was first born that was Jan, and he’s threatened to take for access or custody but i’ve had no solicitors letter or anything as of yet,i’m just clinging on to hope. Hope that he doesn't,that he does actually just leave us alone after all he has caused

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