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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me to understand why he’s like this

18 replies

mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 06:12

My STBEX (we never married so just ex p) prides himself on being a nice person, but is an absolute arsehole to me. He’s nice when he thinks he can win me around / manipulate me, but gets angry in an instant as soon as he senses it isn’t working, or if I dare to criticise anything he does. He gaslights and even started doing it to the children until I pulled him up on it, then he denied it of course.

Most people dislike him. He has ‘banter’ but it’s really just putting people down and making them feel small.

He wants a lump sum of money if he is to agree to leave - I don’t have money to give him, we are in debt.

He gambled constantly for a 6 month period and lied constantly to my face. Kept asking for more money as he’d supposedly overspent on family things, when he’d really lost it gambling. Overall lost 7k no only admitted it when I pretended I had proof. Gets defensive when I bring it up now.

Is impatient with the children but on the other hand will play with them when he’s in a good mood.

Constantly bringing home chocolate, biscuits and crisps for them even though I’ve asked him to stop.

Makes snidey remarks about my family.

Plays dad of the year when we aren’t getting on. Almost like he’s trying to prove a point.

Has tried to make me feel like insane. Has told my mum he thinks I’m bipolar. I’m not, I had some post natal anxiety and depression, that’s it.

It’s all these smaller things that add up and I hate him. He’s such a hypocrite. He thinks he’s amazing. I need him to go but I don’t know how to get him to leave. I don’t want to be his enemy as he has a really nasty streak.

OP posts:
mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 06:14

I should add, his mum had bipolar and ended up commuting suicide, so he knows it’s a serious illness.

OP posts:
mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 06:14

*commiting sorry, typing on phone

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 31/07/2018 06:17

You don't need to know why he's like that, you just need him to go.
Is the house jointly owned?

mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 06:19

We rent so no issues with that. It just bothers me as he honestly believes he’s a wonderful person and that I’m crazy for not seeing that.

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 31/07/2018 06:21

Stop Bothering your head about what he thinks. He's a horrible person; it doesn't matter what he thinks.
If it's rented then you need to get his name
Off the tenancy agreement. In the meantime as long as you can cover the rent alone I'd give him a week's notice then lock him out. Not legal but also not much he can do about it.

TheClitterati · 31/07/2018 06:22

Because he's an arsehhole Grin

Because he can. The Lundy Bancroft book " why does he do that" will be worth reading op

mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 06:27

Thanks, I have been gaslighted for so long, I even question whether I’m just reading him wrong, and that he really is a nice person and I just don’t understand him.

I know I sound pathetic.

I will check out that book, thank you!

OP posts:
hopingforhappiness · 31/07/2018 06:42

Lundy Bancroft book will help you to understand him and your own feelings. It will also help you to know what red flags to look out for if you embark on another relationship in the future.
You are not being unreasonable. He's basically asking you to pay him to move out! He's abusive towards you and your DC.

category12 · 31/07/2018 06:47

If you're renting in joint names, it may be difficult to get him out. On the other hand, you can give notice and move separately if it came down to it.

If he was a nice person, people would like him. You say they don't. Also it doesn't matter whether he's as great as he thinks he is, he doesn't make you happy. Even if it were you not understanding him (it's not), that would mean utter incompatibility, not that you should stay.

Tilly1313 · 31/07/2018 07:14

You said in your opening post he had a mother who had no polar and then committed suicide.... I don’t think you need to do to much digging as to why he is like this. You just need to be consistent and clear

Tilly1313 · 31/07/2018 07:15

*bi polar

mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 07:26

Hi Tilly, what do you mean? Would love if you could expand on this please x

OP posts:
Tilly1313 · 31/07/2018 07:35

Firstly I am by no means making excuses for any of his bad behaviour and it sounds like he’s being an arse and you are doing all the right things!

But he’s sounds very chaotic, impulsive and reactive. I suspect his mother would have potential displayed similar behaviours and he probably grew up in a fairly unpredictable household and didn’t learn to control/understand his emotions. Then losing a parent to suicide at any age, that’s got to be tough to work through

category12 · 31/07/2018 07:36

Are you a rescuer, op? You can't 'fix' people.

QueenJulian · 31/07/2018 08:29

I know someone like this and he does not have a mother with mental health problems, he’s just a narcissistic jerk. He also thinks he’s a great guy. I understand you want to know ‘why’ but honestly it’s not worth your mental energy, OP. Sometimes people are just nasty. Please get away from him as soon as you can.

QueenJulian · 31/07/2018 08:31

He also has great ‘banter’ ie a very quick, sharp tongue. The Lundy Bancroft book is very good at explains this type of abuse.

mummyof2girls198 · 31/07/2018 08:54

Thank you again all. He’s being nice as pie this morning and making an extra effort with the girls. I am looking forward to reading the book.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 31/07/2018 08:59

If you are renting and have no assets why does he need a lump sum to leave?

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