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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't forgive DM for abandoning me

26 replies

AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 21:49

It was many many years ago but I've never gotten over it, its not acceptable to discuss it now and whenever I try to I get shut down.

When I had just turned 16 my mum upped and left town without saying goodbye, returning to the city she was born in a few hundred miles away. I was flat sharing with a friend and had only been out of her home a couple of months - living 10 minutes across town, she wanted me out as soon as she stooped receiving benefits for me so I had to find accommodation straight away.

She was being railroaded by her two sisters to move but the way she did it was ultimately her decision and she went along with it just fine

I went to visit her one day to find out she had gone, no prior warning and it broke my heart. There was no opportunity for me to go with her or even come to terms with her leaving. I had shit provisions for looking after myself and didn't know what to do with myself, the next few years were a struggle.

She says it was because she was miserable living where she did, her sisters thought my behaviour was adding to her depression. I wasn't a terrible child by anybodies standards but was going through a typical teenage rebellious stage of not listening, answering back, having an attitude.

I had a rubbish childhood and my outlook on life as a teenager was a result of that

When she left she changed her mobile number and every time I tried to contact her through her sisters they blocked the path, wouldn't let me talk to her. She was the shrinking violet of the three and never speaking for herself or making her own decision's, always echoing what they said

I finally got in touch with her about a year after she left and we have stayed in touch sporadically ever since but were never close again. I'm not to discuss her leaving as I'm told by the sisters that it "stresses mum out" so in order to keep a relationship I'm told to just let it go.

What she did was a massive deal for me, it shaped the remainder of my teens and introduction to adult life.

Could you forgive your DM for this?

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 30/07/2018 21:54

No. When someone shows you who they are, pay attention.
You do not deserve to be treated like that. Her behaviour was terrible, unbelievably selfish.
Concentrate on being happy in your life.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 21:57

There was no big event that prompted her to go, I didn't do anything to wrong her, she just went.

I spent years being told it was my fault and now I'm an adult with DC of my own I look back with a clear outlook and scoff at the suggestion that I did anything to deserve that

OP posts:
WisestIsShe · 30/07/2018 22:01

You didn't deserve it, you didn't bring it in yourself. She did what she wanted.
Some people are inherently selfish, or maybe there was a catalyst in hey life you don't know about. If she'd come back with explanation s and apologies, maybe you could work through it but it seems like she really isn't interested in repairing the relationship?

LizzieSiddal · 30/07/2018 22:02

Flowers you poir thing. No I wouldn’t forgive that. I haven’t forgiven my mum for abandoning my brother and I when I was 3 and her subsequent behaviour was atrocious. Im 52 now and still feel anger towards her (she died 10 years ago).

It really helps me to talk about this and be honest with my family and close friends. My Dh understands and he lets me rant about it when I need to. My dds also know how my mother treated me. Everyone who I’ve ever told what happened is very shocked that anyone could behave like that and it makes me feel I’m not going mad!

Can you talk to anyone IRL?

WisestIsShe · 30/07/2018 22:02

Can you imagine ever just up and leaving your DC? I'll bet not.

billybagpuss · 30/07/2018 22:04

No I don't think I could.

Cricrichan · 30/07/2018 22:06

It's difficult to know what made her do it but she may have had her reasons that were nothing to do with you. Maybe she held it together long enough for you to leave home. I have a teenager and they are bloody hard. I'm very strong mentally and have no issues but even so I haven't known how to deal with some of the stuff my teenager throws at me. Maybe if I'd been more fragile ibwpuldnt have been able to cope. I'm not excusing it or blaming you at all by the way.

What was she like with you growing up? Single mum? Do you have any siblings etc?

Original poster
AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 22:06

She wants a half arsed relationship so long as she doesn't have to answer for what she did, she expects to be able to be a once-in-a-blue-moon Grandma to DC when it suits her

I have my fiancé to talk to, but we have other problems at the moment and all of this seems to far in the past to bring up to him now.

I think she was painting me as a horrible child who was making her depressed and then when she moved back home her sisters realised it wasn't all me at all. She's still miserable but has a drink problem to boot now

OP posts:
W0rriedMum · 30/07/2018 22:09

You were SIXTEEN - that is no age at all to be left all alone and fending for yourself. I would just move on and keep your mum at arms length. She sounds like she's fine with the awful decision frankly so you'll never have the relationship you want.

I agree with PP who advised talking about it so others reinforce how this not your fault. Friends or a counsellor will all stress that you've been so badly treated.

LizzieSiddal · 30/07/2018 22:14

has a drink problem

So did mine! She died quite young because of it.
I think you can drive yourself mad trying to find out why she left you, but you will never get an answer. You just need to know she is responsible for her behaviour. It was not you, it was her.

EvaHarknessRose · 30/07/2018 22:21

You don’t have to forgive - she did you harm and she is responsible for that.

Original poster
AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 22:24

I could never in a million years fathom leaving my DC like that, I don't know how she sleeps at night I really don't

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 30/07/2018 22:36

OP, by refusing to discuss this, your mum continues to abandon you.Sad Until she stops hiding (behind her sisters) and takes responsibility you will struggle to forgive her. So don't put yourself under pressure to try.Flowers

Original poster
AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 22:49

I think the bitterness is something I'll take to the grave considering I'll never be given closure

It really is like she continues to abandon me by letting her dislike of an awkward conversation trump my need for answers and remorse

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 30/07/2018 22:55

Single mum growing up, no siblings thank god as I wouldn't wish her on anybody else. Shit childhood, she never worked (through choice) and I often went without. I remember Christmases in a cold house because the gas had ran out, no nice dinner or presents. I grew up living off sandwiches and cereal most days as she never cooked, if I asked for a decent dinner she would shout and moan.

Social services heavily involved accusing her of neglect but left me there regardless

Sorry cross posted only just saw those questions PP asked about upbringing

She's been claiming depression my entire life, been on an abundance of different tablets to no avail. Always blaming something or somebody.

Personally I think she has a personality disorder

OP posts:
Original poster
AsYouAre · 31/07/2018 00:02

It has given me deep rooted issues that have followed me into adulthood. Abandonment issues, co dependency etc. I feel I'll never get past it with no closure

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 31/07/2018 00:07

Can you access therapy?

SemperIdem · 31/07/2018 00:28

I wouldn’t be able to forgive that either.

It must hurt you terribly but, your life is your own, who and what you are is all down to you. A small comfort I’m, but not an insignificant one.

Be proud of the person you have become

SemperIdem · 31/07/2018 00:28

*I’m sure

Original poster
AsYouAre · 31/07/2018 00:29

Yes I'm on a waiting list at the moment, hopefully it won't take too long otherwise I'll go privately

OP posts:
Moononthehill28 · 31/07/2018 00:39

Your story made me feel really sad. It’s very very similar to a friend of mine. Your Aunts sound like they need their heads knocking together. Your mother sounds totally inadequate as a parent.
Try to focus on what you have now in your life and how you have survived. Therapy is a really good idea, it will help you put things behind you and come to terms with it.
Sadly your relationship with your mother will never be good from what you say. She sounds very damaged, and so she’s damaged you. Her behaviour is inexcusable. Learn from her mistakes and Mother your children differently. Xx

Original poster
AsYouAre · 31/07/2018 09:09

Thank you, I've always said I'll parent in a way that's the polar opposite to the way she did

I like to think I'm a good mother, my child's needs always come above my own

I suppose the only way of getting closure will be within myself as she's unwilling to help me close the book on that part of my life by talking x

OP posts:
louiseaaa · 31/07/2018 11:00

The day you realise that you don't need validation from anyone to own your story and survival is liberating. It changed my life

Poudrenez · 31/07/2018 11:10

OP you don't owe her anything (including your forgiveness). Flowers

Nocontact · 31/07/2018 11:12

Ive name changed for this as it is outing

I am no contact with my mother for similar reasons OP

She originally fucked off when i was 6. Left the country, shacked up with new fella. Heard nothing for months.

Eventually reappeared and became 'weekend mum' but she was up and down like a fucking yo yo.

Lived with her briefly during my teens however when she fell pregnant with youngest half sibling (she had 2 dc with new man) she chucked me out.

Eventually rebuilt some form of relationship in late teens but still not one of mother/daughter. Then one day i was told she had moved. Eventually heard on grapevine the four of them had left the country.

She recently moved back and tried to start some normal mother/daughter thing with me. I couldnt do it. Its not natural to me, there is too much water under that bridge and it was 25 years too late. I also dont want my own DC to have to put up with being picked up and dropped

Havent spoken now in about 8 months. Its good tbh as when she first moved back i felt anxious she would turn up at my house or i would bump in to her in the street. If i see her out now she looks the other way. This suits me.

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