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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you come back from lies?

22 replies

Feelingsolost · 30/07/2018 20:24

I’ve been with my partner for almost two years now and a year ago I found out he’d been sexting with other women on social media. Obviously I was devastated and I now have some trust issues when it comes to him and other women.

Now the current issue is making me feel like I’m completely insane. He has a female friend who he’s known for years. He says she is his best friend. At first I got on really well with her but when we hit a rough patch he decided to have his nights out with her as ‘his time’. Which I get and I have no problem with. I’m not jealous of their friendship or her but being cut out of it made me feel like crap. Now a couple of weeks ago I caught him messaging her asking her to find him a future wife while she was out. He said it was a joke but obviously not something you want to see. She’s also lied and said I messaged her about him when I found out about him going out with her one night. We went out for his birthday and I didn’t want to go because I knew it she was there I’d sau something to annoy him and he’d kick off. Which it did because he is so defensive of her. Now the truth is up until recently I don’t know how much of what he says she says is true or if he is playing a game with me in some narcissistic style. He’s
Told me if I message her he’s leaving and then I’m in a mess as I’m trying to save for a
House deposit. So I can’t tell her how I’m feeling about things.
Things got really bad a couple of weeks ago when he told me he was at the pub with her then I later found out he’d been at a place I’d been asking him to go for months and he hadn’t wanted to. He said they both lied because he knew it would bother me. And rEcently she asked him if he found her friend attractive. Which again I feel weird about.

I’m trying to work on our relationship and make things better but it’s hard when there’s so many lies. 😔
I feel like I’m going insane.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2018 20:29

You must be insane to put up with this Confused

Ryder63 · 30/07/2018 22:11

What AF said. X100. Sorry.

Coolhotsummer · 30/07/2018 22:16

You’re working on your relationship and he’s threatening to leave.

I think you are wasting your time.

category12 · 30/07/2018 22:30

He was cheating within a year, and you're hanging on? Why?

Dump his arse.

Wolfiefan · 30/07/2018 22:31

Yep what AF said.
He's a cheating scumbag. He clearly has no respect for you and no desire to be faithful. Run. Far and fast.

LostDad79 · 30/07/2018 22:34

Don’t put up with lies move on. I know I’ve been putting up with them for to long.

Feelingsolost · 30/07/2018 22:39

There’s never been actual cheating from what I’ve gathered. Not that I’m making excuses. As to why I’m with him... who knows. Sheer stupidity? Ha

OP posts:
category12 · 30/07/2018 22:54

So you need him to actually screw someone else and give you pictures or something to prove it before it's too much?

Wolfiefan · 30/07/2018 23:06

Sexting
He lies
He wants her to set him up.
Yet still you say he's a decent bloke if he doesn't actually get caught sticking his penis where it doesn't belong? Confused Get a grip. Grow some self esteem and tell him to sod off.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2018 23:15

You would need to actually catch him balls-deep to call this "cheating" ?

Wise up

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/07/2018 23:28

They are laughing behind your back
Op, which means she's condoning his crappy behaviour of you
The sisterhood is not strong with this one

The awful truth is that you are also colluding in your own abuse from him , by allowing it

Wise up and fuck them both off, they must be wetting themselves laughing at you

jazzyfizzles · 31/07/2018 07:30

Imagine a lifetime of this.

No thanks!

User912 · 31/07/2018 11:19

Honestly, I'd be gone at the 'Find me a future wife' comment - and I'm hardly an oil painting that would be able to easily/quickly find a new fella! Absolutely disrespectful.

You would honestly be better off alone for the rest of your life than with this awful excuse of a human being.

Love yourself OP. And set yourself some bloody standards. It wouldn't exactly be hard to do better than this creep! X

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 13:33

There’s never been actual cheating from what I’ve gathered
Ahhh... bless you!

Please value yourself more than this.
Throw this one back.
And get some counselling to understand why you put up with this shite!
It's not normal and you should not put up with it!
End of!
Now get him gone and move on to someone who is worthy of you!

Aprilshowersinjuly · 31/07/2018 13:35

Flogging
Dead
Horse

HollowTalk · 31/07/2018 13:36

Please tell us you weren't planning to buy a home with this numbskull.

Feelingsolost · 31/07/2018 21:26

Sorry for the late response

No - I’m not buying a house with him. I’m buying it myself!

If I’m honest, I just wanted some one to tell me that I’m not being a jealous crazy person!

OP posts:
category12 · 31/07/2018 21:56

Of course you're not a jealous crazy person - you don't have "trust issues" you have an untrustworthy bloke. Your problem is not your completely rational mistrust, it's really that you need to understand why you're accepting so very little out of your relationship.

Tryingagain1 · 31/07/2018 22:39

OP I sympathise. Presumably you love/have strong feelings for this idiot. He doesn't deserve you though. This may be judgemental but I'd not trust him based on his love of female company that doesn't include you.

It's really hard to leave someone like this, but sadly there is nothing you can do to make him act decently towards you - he is a disrespectful cheating scumbag.

recluse · 01/08/2018 06:42

Why can you only save for a deposit if you stay with him?

I think the first thing you should do today is split up with him and know that you deserve to be loved, not treated how he is treating you Angry.

He will always lie and cheat. Without a doubt.

ChangingStates · 01/08/2018 06:57

I have just come out of a marriage with some similar behaviour and trust issues. I stayed for quite a while (kids etc) because there wasn't actual cheating and I didn't know what was reasonable any more or not. One of the hardest things I have had to deal with since splitting is how I feel about myself- where was my self respect, my self esteem? Why did I accept what was not ok for so long? I wish I had valued myself more and left earlier. I am really not one to say ltb on here but really, don't waste your time with him, love yourself a little more and make a stand for yourself, you deserve to be loved and treated well and it sounds like he's far from giving you that!

LizzieSiddal · 01/08/2018 07:43

You only live once. You need to get out of this relationship ASAP and find someone who loves you more than they love their “friend”.

They are a pair of lying, manipulative twits and you deserve better.

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