Why can’t I can’t move on??

[LetMeGo66]

9 weeks ago me and my husband split up. I wasn’t happy with him, told him on so many occasions but he did nothing to try and help the situation. He would be out with his friends every night smoking weed leaving me with the kids, he was selfish in bed, rarely helped around the house unless asked to, short fuse, always wanted naps, was hard to get out of bed, broke promises, actions didn’t match his words....the list goes on and on. I was so miserable. Despite all this I love him, we were together 9 years and I just wanted us to be happy. If I brought up our issues he would tell me I was attacking him and making him feel like he wasn’t good enough. How else was I supposed to try and resolve our issues?
It got that bad and I was that down and depressed that I just filled with resentment and I was cold and distant towards him, we rarely had sex because I didn’t see the point to just be left disappointed and sexually frustrated. We had an argument one day and he left and didn’t come back. Says he doesn’t love me the same.

I feel so rejected! I did all I could to resolve our issues and make us happier and I can’t understand why he wasn’t willing to do the same? He would tell me every single day he loved me, even the day he left. I feel like I can’t move on and that I never will. I just want to feel indifferent towards him but I can’t. I hate that I have to see him when he’s getting the kids it’s so hard.

9 weeks is no time at all, you need to grieve OP.

You sounded very unhappy and a partner on weed is no fun at all. Everything you describe sounds weed related and down to his apathy.

Have you got friends you can talk to and family close by?

You need to let him go, pick yourself up and start a new life with a partner who fulfils you.

Easier said than done, I know. It won’t always feel this bad. That much I can tell you.

I’m rubbish at moving on myself, so have no practical advice other than you sound lovely, a good person with lots of love to give. He chose to forget about it and take you for granted.

So, best foot forward, best clobber on, get out there and have a life without him. Show him what he lost - but with a winning smile of a woman who gets proper sex and proper care in return for what she gives.

Have a look at codependency.

imo there is an addictive element to abusive relationships - it's hard to break away for good.

BUT this man has never given you anything of any worth at all. he is utterly selfish and you have been left starving for love, companionship, affection, respect - a truly wretched existence.

Give it time, the compulsive need for him will pass, it really will. Just hold on and wait for it to pass. I hope it's not too long before you see how very very lucky you are to get rid of this dead weight.

THank you both.

That’s what it feels like, an addiction to him, I’m not sure if that’s because I truly love him or because I’m just so used to having him around. He is a brilliant dad I’ll give him that, he sees them as much as he can and he’s been brilliant since the split helping me with anything he can money wise etc. If he was being a twat maybe it would make this easier but he isn’t. It’s making me forget all his bad qualities and all the selfish things he did.
We did have good times and I have a lot of happy memories together. I thought I was the love of his life, he used to say he would do anything for me and never wanted to lose me but his actions didn’t show this at all. I’m so confused and feel like I have no closure, he never told me he was unhappy it’s like he just bottled it up and never tried to do anything about it.

Just remember that you weren't happy with how things were and despite the words "I love you" he didn't bother listening or addressing the issues that made you unhappy. It's possible that you are missing the illusion of how you wanted him and life with him to be, rather than the reality of how it was. Early days yet, allow yourself to grieve and things will get easier. Be grateful he's a good dad so you don't have to worry about that

THAts what I keep trying to tell myself, I wasn’t even happy anyway. I think it’s also because I knew he could be a great person, he was loving and affectionate but sadly his bad qualities outweigh his good ones.

Even if he had done something unforgivably horrific to you it is still possible you would feel the same because of trauma bonding so don't be impatient with yourself, it will take time.

I think part of it can be the feeling that you wanted him to be happy because you loved him and maybe you worry he'll never be happy if he has rejected the person who loves him most?

If you're the type of person who is prepared to, and does, work at being happy, and making others happy, it can feel so alien to have someone who seems 'not bothered' to make that effort too.

It really can make you feel so unappreciated and unloved and sad and tired (that you're doing the 'heavy lifting' when being a team would be better)

I don't know how feeling like that can be managed when you have to have contact for children but time and putting all that energy you spent on him on you instead might help?

That’s what I’m trying to focus on, myself and not him and what he’s doing. I’ve lost over a stone in weight, trying to make plans for when he has the kids so I’m not just sat at home lonely, started driving lessons.

Been given antidepressants from the doctor to help with depression and anxiety too, don’t think they are fully helping Just yet, I do feel less anxious though.

It just doesn’t help that he seems so... okay! I realise it could be an act but it still hurts.