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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you call time on this friendship? (sorry a bit long)

18 replies

nogoes · 31/05/2007 15:27

I have been friends with this particular friend for about 6 years now. Since having ds we do not see as much of each other as you would expect but when we do see each other we always have a good time and spend all evening yakking away. Over the last couple of years sometimes the conversation has been a bit one sided and we have spent most of the evening chatting about my friends life, I am perfectly okay with this as I am naturally a very nosey person and I am conscious that I do not want to come across as a boring mummy type and I love hearing stories of my friends single life.

Anyway, the last year has really not been a good year for me, In september I had a bereavement followed a couple of days later by a close family member being diagnosed with a serious illness and I have to admit that the stress of the last year has really taken its toll on me and I think for a while I was actually depressed. I saw my friend around this time and I confided in her how I was feeling (I had not even admitted this to DH) and she said that it sounded as if I was depressed. Following that she never even telephoned me to find out my sisters results, she never once enquired how I was feeling even though some of the things I admitted to her were quite alarming. I have seen her a couple of times since and we have had a good time but she has never once asked about my family or me and I wonder if we actually still have a friendship?

I think the problem is that she is actually quite a selfish person, a friend of hers lost her husband last year and my friend told me that she thought her friend was wallowing in grief too much! Part of me thinks that we have similar interests and have a laugh so I should continue with the friendship but the other part of me feels that perhaps our relationship has become a little shallow and is not worth pursuing. What do you think?

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 31/05/2007 15:28

Dump her, she sounds like a cow.

gonnaneedabiggerboat · 31/05/2007 15:28

I think you've answered your own question. Maybe writing it down has helped though

expatinscotland · 31/05/2007 15:29

I had a friend like that.

Don't have much in common with her now so I don't see her.

Songbird · 31/05/2007 15:35

God how awful. She does sound quite selfish, or self centred at least, and it sounds like she doesn?t ?do? feelings. She may have been a bit scared off after you poured your heart out. You say conversation has always been a bit one-sided, did she ever talk about serious stuff about her own life, or just trivial nonsense. If the latter, I think she?s probably a ?good laugh? mate, rather than a true and lasting friend.

Whether you continue the friendship all depends on what you want from your friends. Do you have friends who you can have big heart to hearts with? If so, it might be nice to have a good laugh mate to lighten things if that?s what you need. But if you only want friends you can count on for support and advice, she?s probably not the one or you. I think a balance of both would probably be more healthy, but I only have a few close friends myself so I?m not one to talk!

Original poster

nogoes · 31/05/2007 15:35

Yeah, I think you are right I have answered my own question. It is a pity because we used to get on so well.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 31/05/2007 15:37

Nogoes, you've just grown out of her, find a new friend who isn't bovine, you'll be fine

Songbird · 31/05/2007 15:38

I forgot to say at the end of my first paragraph, if the former, she?s a selfish cow who doesn?t care about other peoples problems, and dump her!

Original poster

nogoes · 31/05/2007 15:39

Songbird, I think you are right perhaps she is more of a good laugh mate which is fine by me because when I go out I like to have a good time and I am not really a feeling type person. I just feel a bit TOO let down by her because I think that she has actually forgotten what has been going on in my life and I have been there for her when she was going through a rough time.

OP posts:

Chelseamum · 31/05/2007 15:39

Friendships evolve as we do! Perhaps is time to let that one go...

Songbird · 31/05/2007 15:42

?I have been there for her when she was going through a rough time.?

Mmnn, I had a feeling it was like this. Personally, I?d feel like I couldn?t forget that even if I was only supposed to be having a laugh. In the end, it?s nicer to have a laugh with someone you really care about, and who cares about you. What you?ve gone through is so serious a true friend wouldn?t ?forget?.

tibsy · 31/05/2007 15:46

hi nogoes, this sounds like a friend of mine, although, to be fair, she has given me support over the years, just become a bit rubbish since i had dd!

i'm sorry you've been through a rough time, and hope that your sister is ok. fwiw, if youre happy continuing your friendship on the superficial level and just enjoying the going out and shared interests, you could do that, just dont expect any support from her and you wont feel let down. however, if you have other friends who you can do that with and offer mutual support, i'd dump her!!

maybe she may feels unable/uncomfortable to offer any support over 'serious' issues, however re reading the 'wallowing in grief' bit makes me doubt that and maybe you were right about the selfish bit

bubblymummy · 31/05/2007 15:54

nogoes

Sounds like a 'friend' of mine. I think it's easy to grow out of friendships when you have kids.

In fact she sounds like a mate rather than a friend (mate being fun for socialising and friend being like a close relative). Sounds like she doesn't have much empathy.

You could keep her as mate but I suspect your life is pretty full do you have much time for mates?

mumofabby · 31/05/2007 16:23

Sounds very similar to a friend I had once, in fact we had been friends since we were in infant school right up until we were both in our 30ies. I put up with her being self centered, selfish and sometimes really quite nasty to the point that she would have me in tears (although not in front of her) and after a bad bout of post natal depression I came to the point that I had had enough and ended our friendship. Although this might sound really mean and awful to some people I had to do it for my own sanity, I think I had just been her door mat for so many years and never stuck up for myself it just became the norm and the more I let her treat me like dirt the more she did it.

I really think you sound like a lovely person who deserves a better friend than that.

millie865 · 31/05/2007 16:23

My sister calls people like this tinsel friends. They are good for adding a bit of sparkle and fun to the odd night in the pub, but not to be relied on for the big stuff. They have their place if you don't expect much. Depends whether you have the time to give to her.

MascaraOHara · 31/05/2007 16:32

I behave like your friend does towards some of my friends.. not because I'm a selfish cow but because I feel I have invested a lot of time in the friendship before now and that when I need that other person they weren't there for me... Now I have too many of my own worries to get bogged down with their problems...

I like to keep them as just going out buddies - I'm not interested in their lives underneath the surface. Why would I be, they weren't interested in mine when I needed them.. too cut a long story short what I'm trying ot say is there is a happy medium.. you can have mates that you just go out with and have a laugh, without them being the sort of friend that you confide in.

That said, I felt a lot of hurt a few years ago when I felt they let me down and it took me a while to get over the fact that we didn't have the sort of relationship I thought we did.. maybe time adds a different perspective, maybe I'm wrong but it works for me now.

bettybobo · 31/05/2007 21:44

sad when it goes like this, friendships are relationships like any other and its horrible when its one-sided. Nogoes i think you do sound lovely, let her work a bit to deserve your friendship

mumofabby your post made me feel angry at your hopeless friend. i hope you feel better she is out of the picture. she sounded like a nightmare

cylonbabe · 31/05/2007 21:47

some friends are deep meaningful life enhancing supportin gones.
some are timepass.
both types are essential. someontimes one type morphs into the other. you cant just dump a friend because the nature of your relationship has changed.

Pages · 03/06/2007 08:20

It may be that she doesn't want to deepen the friendship but I personally wouldn't just dump her without talking about it. I know that in the past I have been insensitive at times or have simply forgotten to call a friend when they have been going through a tough time, even though I had been thinking about them. We are all capable of getting wrapped up in our own problems and forgetting other people, and even if she has been selfish, maybe she needs to be told and given a chance to say sorry and be there for you.

Chances are she IS just too self-centred and maybe (for you) not worth bothering with but we don't always know what's going on with other people and why they behave as they do. I would tell her you are upset and why. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

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