So within the past hour, I have been informed by my DH that my mother has cut me off. She feels I have used mine and my DH's child against her. We haven't spoken for over 9 days. Her choosing, not mine. I did try to contact her last week telling her that I really didn't want to argue with her, and I really didn't want us to fall out but received no response. I haven't bothered her because I thought that maybe time would cool her down. See, we had a disagreement.
My Mum left my Dad nearly 8 years ago for my DH's younger brother. It upset both me and my husband but I love my mum, so I have always tried to look past it. I have one younger sister. She left my Dad because he was violent and abusive to her when we were younger. He was violent and abusive towards both me and my sister. My sister has been kept off primary school as a child because he bruised her so badly, and my mum feared social services. My sister couldn't read until much later than most children because everytime she would get a word wrong when my Dad read with her, he would hit her. He smashed all my toys up that I had received three days after my 7 birthday and made me clean it up and put them in the bin. He hit me in the face when I was 11, I was drinking from a glass and the glass broke cutting all of my mouth. The violence stopped when we became teenagers, and turned mainly into verbal abuse. We were sluts, slags and he gambled a lot. He would gamble the rent money, and he apologized with flowers for my mother. He was not a nice man. I left home to move in with my fiance, my 17-year-old sister went away on holiday for a week with her then boyfriend. My mum came to me and my husband asking for help in leaving, which we did. I was upset that she couldn't have done this when we were younger, even after both I and my sister begged her for years.
Ultimately we helped her move when my Dad was away at work, weirdly enough my then soon to be brother in law came along to help, claiming that he was my mum's friend. I thought nothing of it at the time, both I and my mum worked at the same place and my DH's brother worked there as security. It was common for them to take their lunch break together in the canteen, I had never thought anything of it.
After she moved and she was settled in her new home, he was there a lot. Even staying after me and my DH left to go home. She had mentioned that there was someone else, hence the reason she was leaving my Dad and she told me it was my DH's brother. I explained that I felt it was weird and wasn't happy, and she quickly changed it. Explaining that the man in question was a friend of her old school friend's. When I enquired how she had come back in contact with her, she told me that my Grandma had bumped into her whilst out shopping and she had given her my mum's number. This was all a lie obviously, and it was only when I and my DH had driven away from my mum's new home after helping my sister move her belongings in that we saw my DH's brother and my mum round the corner.
Now I want to say I know I have no right getting involved in my mum's relationship, but both I and my sister were receiving phone calls from our dad telling us he was going to commit suicide etc. It was distressing for my sister, and being two years older felt that I had to protect her. I was wounded by the lies my mum had spun, instead of being up front and I was angry at my DH's brother because felt that he had broken up my mum and dad's marriage, confusing I know because I knew it wasn't a healthy or even happy one. I was emotionally all over the place, so I lost the plot. I screamed. Shouting, Cried and stormed off like a child.
I'm not proud of the way I reacted. But I loved my mum so still tried. It's never been easy. My dad became aggressive towards us. At one point my sister moved back in with my dad because he was threatening all sorts, she wanted to help him. It resorted to her hiding in a wardrobe, he trying to punch her. It was horrendous. She felt uncomfortable with my mum because she barely knew my DH's brother and felt weird with him in the house. Ultimately she moved in with me and my DH and lived with us for 5 years.
I might add that after my mum left my dad, a family member attempted to grope and kiss my sister one two separate occasions and when she came out and told us it was me that sorted it out. My mum sat dumbfounded on her bed. I wanted to call the police but my sister begged me to not escalate it so I called him and threatened him. Stupid I know but I didn't know what else to do. I was 19...my husband is 12 years older then me, I couldn't tell him because he would have probably beaten this particular family member so badly...he would have got himself into a lot of trouble. My sister begged for secrecy. She never came into contact with this family member again, and I felt my mum's reaction was quite cruel and callous...hence why she ended up living with me and my DH..
My mum fell pregnant with my DH's brother's child and I was upset because I felt it confused an already bad situation. It strained our relationship to the point where my own MIL called my DH and told him to keep me away from my mum as she felt it threatened the pregnancy. He explained I was merely upset because, at the end of the day, the child would be a sibling yet a niece/nephew. I was struggling with the emotional fall out from my father who started drinking and gambling more than ever. I was struggling and my mother wasn't being a mother.
I'm not explaining my behaviour, I'm just trying to explain that I was emotionally very upset with the whole situation that was happening around me. She lost the baby, and cut herself off from me and my sister. I get that, I understand that it was hard for her.
She ended up losing her home, so I and my DH allowed her and my brother to stay with their dog till they found a new place. She fell pregnant again and told me in the kitchen that she would be angry if I didn't accept her pregnancy and deal with it. Basically cut me off, so I did. Then she had another miscarriage when she moved out into her new home.
Basically, it's been up and down...I try so hard. I really do. But I hate how I can't confide in my mum anymore. She tells her partner, my DH's brother who in turn tells my DH's parents. I hate it. I hate listening to my DH's parents pass comment on how my sister shouldn't be living at home. That it's not fair for their son to have to live with my sister etc. My sister lives in a different country, she escaped her past. She escapes everything. My father ultimately had a stroke so now me and my DH deal with his care home and hospital appointments. She has nothing to do with him now. My mum doesn't obviously either though they aren't divorced.
I try so hard to just get on with people, but I've hurt a lot and my mum never gives me a platform to work out our differences. She tells me how she feels, how she thinks and then cuts me off. Which is what happened 9 days ago. My mum is over 50, my DH's brother is 39. He works 8 hour days, 48 hours a week. He sits on a gatehouse, playing on his phone and reading his kindle.
My mum has a seriously hard job, her two days off are spent in pain. It's very physical, so I suggested that my DH's brother go to work at the same place my DH works. He is a manager there but it's good money for a standard security officer, like £25k a year but over 6 days doing 12-hour shifts - essentially 72 hours. I told her that it would be perfect because she could go part-time, she should be taking it easy.
His words to me where "Why should I work 72 hours a week, while she sits on her ass at home" I have never forgiven him for that comment. We didn't talk about it, then it came up that my mum wanted to apply. Basically, her work the 72 hours while my much younger, brother in law sits on his ass reading books all for 8 hours of the day. It made me angry. My husband was angry. I'm all for girl power but my mum is in her 50's for god sake. I told her I needed a break, that we should just breathe for a bit. I don't want to argue with her, and that the day she was going to watch our daughter for us, I had rearranged childcare for and to just let it sit for a while. It was just an overnight to watch a show in Newcastle. I did it because the last time my mum saw my daughter, my brother in law promised to take our 3-year-old with him knowing that he couldn't. She got her shoes on but he walked out. She cried her heart out. It upset me. I don't like stuff like that, maybe you think I'm overprotective but I don't like it.
We are raising our child who is emotionally healthy. Stuff like that is cruel. Anyway, I left for my driving lesson today and came to find that my brother in law had been over for his birthday present, and he told my DH that mum has cut me off because she feels I had used our daughter against her. I don't feel I have. I mean, my mum has been off all week and not once has she contacted me to spend time with our daughter. Which I would have gladly allowed. I felt it was wrong of me to ask my mum for space but still expect her to watch our child overnight, our house and our dogs. That was why I had rearranged the childcare and house sitting.
This has turned into a huge thread...I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for it to be this long, it's just I started typing and it all came out. I know I'm horrible for the way I have treated my mum, our relationship being up and down just because she is with my brother in law...I just feel the way she has gone about it. It's just all wrong. I think I'm hurt, she could find the strength to leave my dad once all the damage had been done. The whole thing makes me so sad, I love my mum. Adore my sister. I help my Dad even though he has been a complete dark cloud in my life. I just don't know. I'm just upset and don't really know what to do?