Explnation for the stupid..

[NeedDrink]

PLEASE explain to me, how sulking is abuse - I have a hard time understanding - and therefore a hard time discussing it with my H.
Yesterday we had a big garden party, and when it was over, we all - H and 2 children and me - chilled in the couch. Rare, that my teenager doesnt just vanish to his room. (yes he is the one with the AWFULL habit of having fun at the dinner table)

Anyway, my H got irritated with something teenager did, (humming sound, he also has Tourette) and clever from previous incidents, he choose to go to the garden. We had a deal to see a movie with daughter, and after an hour I went to look for him. He thought he was the total hero, because he just left the premisses, and not saying anything. And he would not see the movie, as he needed to listen to the rain and birds, as this was his last day of holiday - which my teenager obviously ruined with his humming sound.

Ok - I am not sure if this is abusive? He just think he "saves" us all from his temper, by leaving us. He is thinking this as a favour - I have 2 choices - either put up with him being annoyed or leaving.

I am not debating my sons ADHD or his Tourette - only that he give me these choices - him being pissed of, or leaving.

He think I want to change him - which is a red flag for him. I dont love him for who he is, temper and all. When I complain - he say "but look all I do for you" - and he does. A lot. Always, and never complain. He is SO good in so many ways, which is why I struggle to understand what is going on. I know he loves me.

The truth is, he has been with my son for almost 10 years and their relationship is at the best, neutral. Most of their contact is H being annoyed with him. And teenager is annoying. He has himself choosen to go to boarding school in last yesr of school - in 1 week - and some could say - problem solved.

But it breaks my hart that son is leaving, and sometimes I feel like the shittiest mom in the world. I know you say abusers is sometimes nice, and H is, most of the time. But I cant seem to get my head around this choice - 1. Accept he is annoyed or 2. accept he is leaving.
If I debate that - I want to CHANGE him - which apparently is horrible.

I read a lot here, about sulking, about abuse, and I get confused. I have probably not giving all info - please ask - I just really need help to understand. He say my choise is to accept him for who he is, and appreciate all he do - I have flaws too - but this sulking and temper is hard for me. i have anxiety, and I dont cope well with him "abandoning" me and the kids this way, when he leave. (yearly years he was gone 2-4 days, now it is "only" hours - but still it hurt, and especially him being so hard saying "this is how I am" - either I get annoyed or I am leaving.

HELP me - is this normal???

He sounds very difficult
Not normal

It doesn't matter how much someone does for you if they act like an arse and go off for sulks

But he does it, to not being annoyed with us? He does it for my sake... I dont agree with his form og diciplining the kids - human rights and all that - and theese are the choises im left with.

What was he so annoyed about anyway? Didn't seem proportionate to his reaction

Hang on - for the past ten years you have made your son live with a stepfather who AT BEST feels "neutral" about him, is driven to anger by his condition /things he can't control, and you feel that it is "problem solved" when your son goes away to boarding school??

Poor kid. Why do you keep a man who bullies your children in the house?

I dont think problem solved - he does - thats why I keep writing here!
When we go somewhere, where H knows we are having fun - he is the first on funny, loving playing..
He hasnt been like this, always - when son was younger, he was good. Now he is a teenager, H gets a lot more annoyed and instead of saying - he leaves. (I think he bully, when diciplining - but I have been told here before that my son is out of order, completely horrible - therefor I asked him to stay OUT of it. And therefore he leaves) - but I cant cope with him, leaving either - I think one should better onself, not loosing control, or leaving. And H say I want to change who he is.

He was annoyed with son making humming noices - as h wanted to hear the rain and the birds on his last day of holiday - and instead of telling son off, he left. For hours. as a favour to us. I have choices of him being annoyed or leaving - and if I want him to cope differently I want to CHANGE him. I am confused. Weak. Stupid.
Things are usually ok. but once in a while, this is what happends. And with my anxiety, it take a lot of head space for me.
I have money. Family. Friends. we are married. I could leave. But I love him. Us. He is so good in everything else. Generous. hard working. attentive - to me and daughter. Son is annoying. And he is. I know. But he is struggeling - long story - and I compensate.
ARGH I dont know. I do love him. He is good. Just this "choise" of either him getting annoyed or leaving. Or me wanting to CHANGE him.. And I do. I want him to grow the fuck up.

He got this annoyed over wanting to hear the rain and the birds? That's ridiculous. He's just another child for you to deal with. Also, sendin has a point, you're making your children have to put up with it too.

If he gets angry with your son and then disciplines him in ways that you acknowledge are bullying, then maybe it is best that he walks away when he is angry? He clearly doesn't like your son much, maybe the parenting SHOULD be left to you?

To be clear, I don't think it's acceptable for a "normal" parent/step parent to get so annoyed by their child (doing something they CAN'T HELP as they have tourettes) that they walk off. But this guy? He sounds like a really awful stepdad and he maybe ought to be keeping out of it as much as possible.

You seem to have some fantasy "good dad" version of your husband in your head, and you keep hoping you can mold him into that. You can't. Your husband is a bad choice to have in your sons life and I feel sorry for your son.

So you would just leave? How do you know when to do? There is also so much good..

So you would just leave?

Would I leave a man who bullied my child? Yes. Especially if he also sulked and "had a temper".

How do you know when to do?

I'd like to say "the very first time it happened". But realistically - I think that once you've realised it's a pattern and he has shown no willingness at all to change his behaviour or acknowledge that it is a problem, then you know that this isn't going to get better and it's time to go.

Your son is so desperate to be out of the house that he has chosen to go to boarding school. You also say that he rarely chooses to join you for meals and that his behaviour is a problem - I wonder why??

This is the only childhood your son will ever have. You are teaching him about life and relationships - and you are teaching him that women kowtow to men, that his feelings aren't important and that things are better/easier when he isn't around.

There is also so much good

Be honest with yourself about what this "good" really is. Is your husband occasionally fun and charming (but only when things are going his way and you are focusing on him?) Is the "good" merely relief that he isn't being horrible from time to time? Is the "good" the hope that things might get better "if only" he could change? Is the "good" material things like income, a home, security? Or is the "good" only fear of change and not wanting to be by yourself?

Because, to be honest, I struggle to think of how much "good" there could be with a man who bullies a child.

He makes your ds so miserable he's choosing to go to boarding school.

Choose your child over your shitty husband.

Told him i need separate bedrooms while i have a good long thinking. He say he will better himself. And apologized. Then went to bed. Different to mine.