Am I being paranoid?

[StayOrGo100]

I really need some help here figuring out what to do with my current relationship. I’ll start by saying I’ve always really struggled in relationships due to an abusive, neglectful childhood (I’ve had loads of therapy over the years as I have terribly low self esteem and have always felt unlovable).

I’ve been with my DP for 5 months and have this niggling feeling that he compares me to his ex and this he’s not over her. I know that she left him and he was heartbroken but he has always insisted he’s been ready to move on and that he is glad he met me.

The positives: he recently told me he loves me, I’ve met his family and best friends, he is very caring and always puts me first, he has been an absolute rock recently when a family member of mine was seriously ill, he compliments me a lot and talks about our future.

However, I have this gut feeling he wishes he was still with his ex. He mentions things they did together a lot (he doesn’t say her name but he talks about places they’ve been, things they’ve done and I know he’s referring to her). He will sometimes say things like: ‘I like it when women have their hair like this’ or ‘have you ever thought about wearing this style of dress/have your nails painted this colour’ or ‘I think an outfit like this would really suit you.’ I know it sounds mad but after Facebook stalking his ex (I know, I know), I realise that he’s suggesting these things as these are what she used to do/wear. Is that weird or am I massively over reacting here? I can’t shake off this horrible feeling that I’m second best and if she came running back (she left him for someone else) then he I wouldn’t see him for dust. I sometimes also feel that sexually he’s not that into me - sometimes he is all over me and is very passionate but last week there were a couple of days when he didn’t even touch me (said he was too hot). It led to an argument as I felt insecure and as though he was losing interest/his mind was elsewhere.

Please can someone talk some sense into me?

Your feelings are yours and they are totally valid.
I would not be happy with him telling me to do my hair a certain way or have my nails a certain colour or to wear a certain style.
What is wrong with YOUR style?
That would be my question.

I've had moments like you..I am insecure though and know it's me over reading things..however if you genuinely think he's not ready to move on it could make you very miserable further down the line and stressed now. I hope he isn't and that you sort things..maybe try the reverse and start asking him to wear certain things and see how he likes it

Hmm. When did they split? If it was shortly before you met, I would also worry he hadn't moved on. And it's not on "suggesting" nail polish colours.

Thank you for your replies, it seems maybe I’m not overthinking things after all

hammering They split nearly a year before we met. However he did say she had ‘ripped his heart out and embarrassed him’ as she left him for someone else.

I’m so confused. Do I speak to him about it or just cut my losses and end it? He is so good to me in a lot of ways but this paranoia is eating me up and I can’t help but feel like I’m second best.

It's a hard one. I would make a fairly stern comment the next time he tries to tell you how to dress, but the rest of it may just be that he's still not quite 100% healed. I have a male friend who was left for someone else a year ago and honestly he is still a bit wobbly.

That doesn't mean he doesn't feel genuinely that he wants to be with you. But if your gut feels like you're being used as a distraction for him then it's not worth th heartache another year down the line.

Can you talk to him?
Tell him exactly how you feel. Exactly what you've put here.
How his comments for you to look a certain way make you feel like he is trying emmulate his Ex in you.
That YOU are NOT is Ex.
You are you and if he doesn't like you exactly as you are then it's time to call it's quits!??
But honestly.... that's a good few red flags there and I'd be running a mile!

I am married over 30 years and l could count on one hand suggestions DH has made about my hair nails( never ) or dress. He does compliment me when he likes stuff but never would show me pictures of what l could look like..even when we were young. So l find that bit weird.
But he sounds good in other areas so maybe flag that up and say you don't like it.
He needs to accept you as you are.
But keep your own life going. Don't put all your efforts into this relationship. Keep seeing friends and doing your own stuff as that is important for your own self.

Just an update. We had a chat about the ex, he assured me he was over her and things were fine with us. Yesterday though while we were chatting he called me his exes name by accident so I ended things - my gut is just telling me he has too much emotional baggage.

He’s begging for another chance but I need to let him go don’t i?

I would end things also.

The trying to influence what you wear, how your hair is, etc....is weird.

I didnt read your post at the time but it seemed like a real possibility that it could be less about his ex and more about him controlling what she wore, and then doing the same with you. Perhaps he has told all his exes what he thinks they should wear!? If so, you have dodged a huge bullet.

Calling you his exes name doesnt seem a huge deal to me. Might just be a slip of the tongue. But fuck someone telling me what colour nails to have (???). "I like it when you have your hair like that" (compliment)...fine. "you should wear your hair like that"..direction, not fine.

Yes you do need to let him go.
Too many red flags and now more of them.
He needs to be alone for a while to sort himself out.

If you were talking about his past and he used her name, that was just a mistake and a slip of the tongue. I wouldn’t think anything of it.

In terms of your clothes and hair, my dh did this early days, just said this would look good on you or that. I nipped it in the bud immediately and said I didn’t need his style tips and joked about him thinking he was the new Gok Wan. He never did it again. I now suggest things to him, but he likes suggestions so maybe it is different.

Can I be honest? I think your insecurity is getting the better of you. You have no reason to think he still likes his ex two or more years down the line, he wasn’t on the rebound, he brings you a lot of happiness.
Tell him to mind his own when it comes to your style, be assertive. Most women would have shot him down in flames the first time, your insecurity is holding you back from having firm boundaries.

I would give him a second chance with conditions. No more style tips and no more talk of exes, ever. They are in the past.

And start believing you are good enough exactly as you are - maybe therapy? Enjoy being you and looking after you and everything else will come together.

If you had discussed your ex and then he said her name I would let that go.

And personally for me suggesting a nail colour or a style of clothing isn't a big deal to me. And you said he compliments you a lot.

I'd never demand that my DP should style his hair or clothing a certain way but I see no harm in telling him if I think something would suit him. Just as he does me.

You are however concerned that he wants you to be like his ex and you need to be honest with him that you feel that way. See what he says.

Perhaps because he was so hurt by her he needs some sort of closure and if this is the case he needs to be upfront because you shouldn't have to deal with that.

You do sound very insecure OP (I know how crap it is) which very well could be making you paranoid but at the end of the day you can't ignore your feelings and concerns and need to be completely honest with him.

I too think you've jumped the gun here. It seems to be you that is comparing yourself to his ex, and maybe he genuinely thinks a certain style would suit you, but I would just tell him to stop if you feel uncomfortable.

The name thing is also a red herring I think, I've called my fiance by my ex husbands name more than once, not because I still want him, but because I was with him for YEARS and the name just trips off my tongue occasionally! My fiance has also called me by his ex's name a couple of times, the last time he did it his eyes went like dinner plates and he put his hand over his mouth like a naughty child! I found it funny. Also your partner knows you have a problem with the ex, and it could have been that problem we all have where you think 'mustn't mention x, mustn't mention x' and then you just blurt it out