How do I love my husband again?

[Pumkinfailure]

We’ve been married for over 10 years, together over 20 with kids.
We argue all of the time, in front of the kids, we aren’t kind to each other, we put the phone down on each other. In short the opposite to what a loving relationship should be.
He has got into a lot of debt over the years through poor business running and I have always sorted this off and paid off his debts as he seems utterly incapable. I am the higher earner and pretty much work all of the time to pay off his debts and because I never know what financial curve ball is going to hit me next. I’m resentful of this hugely. I’m exhausted working 70 hour weeks. I want to be taken care of financially and emotionally.
Is it too late? Do I need to cut my loses and lol for happiness elsewhere or can this be saved? I feel like I’ve been trying for many years and now allI can focus on are the negatives in our relationship. He’s only ever booked and taken me out for a meal 3 times in all the time we have been together. He is never arranged a day out or a holiday, everything’s we do (down to moving house) is initiated and arranged by me. I’ve never had a thoughtful present or a meal cooked for me.
On the other hand he’s funny and fun and a great dad and will do little things for me such as warm my car up in the morning, does loads around the house, bring me a cup of tea.
I’m rambling, I’m lost, I’m exhausted and about to go on holiday with this man I can’t bear to be around at the moment and don’t know what to do.
Has anybody been in a similar situation?

Apologies for poor grammar and spelling. I’m so beyond exhausted and burnt out from working such long hours I can’t focus.

Telling a few jokes and playing nicely with the kids doesn’t balance out running up debts and letting you work 70 hour weeks to pay them off. Not only has he pissed away your life, he’s pissed away your security in old age too I would imagine.

Other men can do the nice stuff without the debts and the public arguments that are damaging your children.

You need counselling as a minimum, go alone to start with to get your head straight.

Given that he’s a good dad and they won’t starve, you could send them off on holiday while you check into a spa for a long weekend and focus completely on you.
Four days of massage, treatments, siestas and self indulgence. After a decade of slog I think you’ve probably earned it.

Or, more practically, you could book it now, and keep thinking about it throughout your holiday to keep you sane.

Thanks Purple, I’ve been thinking about that, perhaps relate?

I think those little things you describe are really important. I had an exh who was the opposite to yours - good with money but miserable and uninterested in the kids.

I would definitely have a go at counselling to air some of this especially the issues around work/money.

What purplewithred wrote. Find someone other than Relate to work with as well to establish exactly why you have put up with this from him for so very long. What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is still in this for you?.

How is he at all a great dad here?. Women in such poor relationships often write such when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. All you have done here is facilitate his life and otherwise enable him by paying off his debts. That has not helped you or him and has only given you a false sense of control. The tasks he does for you are frankly the barest of bare minimums and the fact that you mention these as well show your own too low boundaries.

What are your kids learning about relationships from you two as parents, a shedload of damaging lessons that they could all too easily repeat themselves. Is this what you want for them, for them to see that a loveless and enabling marriage is their norm too?.

I dunno, it sounds pretty miserable.

I mean, you can change your ways ie. quit hanging up on him or arguing in front of kids, but he's unlikely to make positive changes unless he's highly motivated. Which he doesn't appear to be.

I think it sounds rubbish and I wouldn't want to waste another day in such a toxic relationship.

He's warming up the car so you can go to work to pay his debt

Your cup of tea gets you up to go up work etc etc

It's gone on too long op, cards on table time talk

Also quietly see where you stand legally

Legally I would have to pay him maintenance and he would get custody I think as he’s the main child carer while I work. House is in my name and I’ve cut most financial ties. Realistically he wouldn’t go for maintenance as that would involve paperwork, admin and phone calls and he just wouldn’t get round to doing it.

How old are your kids?

Kids are late primary, early senior school age

My advice would be to get a copy of the 5 love languages book.

Putting the debt issue aside, you aren't speaking eachothers' language.

Thanks Brake, I’ve just downloaded the book for some holiday reading!

I'd second what @Brakebackcyclebot said. Your H may be showing his love for you by doing small acts of service such as making you tea, warming up the car. He's still thinking about you, and making a deliberate choice to do those things for you. From your post, I'm guessing that you show your love in a different way. Understanding that you both show love in different ways can be really helpful in working through difficult times. Being honest about your priorities and what matters to you is important. Ie you appreciate the car warming, but what would really make you feel loved and appreciated is X. And listen to what he has to say on the same subject. It sounds like there is still love and consideration there underneath the many years of daily life. All is not lost, it will take some work, and it sounds like you can do it.

Honestly, all this stuff about the 5 languages of love is just ridiculous! Sorry, but it is.

He is showing his love by making a cup of tea, while you work 70 hours a week AND do all the house/life admin?? What a crock of shit.

Before anyone says it, I KNOW that in many relationships the man works long hours while the woman is a sahm, but in those cases the woman is also taking on all the life admin.

He sounds like a feckless child, tbh, and his ineptitude with money could cost you very, very dear in the future (if it hasn't already).

Don't listen to the posters who have low enough standards to think that he is just "showing love in a different way" or similar idiocies, he needs to learn how to behave like an adult.

Absolutely lay it on the line to him; things have to change or you will be moving on. You need to look after your own physical and mental health. What would happen now to your family if you became ill??