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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't want to go to wedding any more

17 replies

BWrose · 29/07/2018 22:07

I and my boyfriend was invited to a wedding, that's coming up very soon. It's my cousin getting married. I don't know him very well but I'm close his mother (my aunty).

My mother was invited too.

I rsvp'd and accepted the invitation.

I don't want to go anymore. You see I'm running into my problems with my mother.

I think the plan was my boyfriend was going to pick me up and my mother was going to get a lift too. Something like that.

The problem with my mother is that back in April she wanted to start finding an outfit for the wedding. She had a look a look through a clothing catalogue in the house. Settled on a dress that came with a jacket.

My mother doesn't know how to use the internet. Her mobile phone is very basic so, no internet there. She doesn't have a bank account either and so no card for online shopping.

Anyways, I decided to help my mother and check for her. Big, big, big mistake. This has turned into months of nesr harassment. The shop was out of stock with her size and other sizes too. So, she had me checking back a few days later and very regularly since then too. Eventually, I put my mind to use and thought the shop isn't going to stock this again and I suggested that to my mother. Otherwise only that, I emailed them and got a vague, open reply saying to check back again in 28 days or something.

There was one instance where I checked online during a particular weekend. I went into work and my day and schedule in work was very long and intense. I came home after a 12 hour stint in work, just for my mother to ask me to check again for the dress. If it was up to my mother, I wouldn't have been allowed a cup of tea. I bad to tell her very firmly - no - that I was in work all day, and that I was tired and I was too tired tired for dinner. My dinner was a cup of tea. We checked at the weekend and it wasn't there.

There has been many instances where my mother was on my back over that dress. I reckon there was an element of control from her. Just to apply pressure to me.

Jus yesterday evening, I sat down, checks again, same story - it wasn't there. Eventually, she settled on something else.

Breath - dress all done. I woke this morning to more demands from my mother.

She now wants shoes to go with the dress. Not only shoes, she wants a jacket and a handbag. She wants everything to match up.

. She has a room full of clothes built up from the years. Three wardrobes in her room and boxes too. She has so many clothes, shoes and bags. If she was to go rooting she would be able to manage to out something together. She's always requesting for shoes and I bought her shoes (black sandles) last year. They would go with the dress. Accoi to her, no they won't.

She has a black jacket that would probably go down to her bum in length. No, not good enough, she's wants a short black jacket.
She wants a matching handbag. There's blue in the dress and she would like the handbag to pick up in that blue.

Good grief. My head is about to explode in anger and rage. I didn't even have a spoonful of breakfast down my mouth this morning and she started at me.

I don't earn a a huge wage and I'm not loaded. She said she would pay me back but going from the past, she might pay 5 there or 10 there. That's not good enough when online shopping takes money out from my account straight away. She worms her way out from delivery costs too and expects me to pick that part up whatever that would be eg 3.99, 4.99, 5.99.

She's bang out of order here. She wants a dress, a jacket and shoes and a bag all to match.

How come I missed this fashion ship? I dont have a lot of clothes. I never wore dresses until recently so there's very few in my wardrobe but even at that, I can put and outfit together without the need to go and hit the shops.

I want to pull out from going to this wedding, with the way my mother is. She has my head absolutely fcuking wrecked.

OP posts:
DonkeyPlease · 29/07/2018 22:09

Have you tried saying no?

3boysandabump · 29/07/2018 22:28

If she can't shop online for herself why doesn't she just go and find what she's looking for on the high street?
I wouldn't miss out on the wedding because of it. Surely by the time she is actually there the drama if her outfit will be over anyway.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 00:18

It’s not clear, do you live with her? It sounds like she has become over reliant on you and you have become accustomed not saying no to her. This is part of your relationship dynamic with her and like with any relationship dynamic, you are responsible for your role in it. What would happen if you said no? She is not going to suddenly be different without push back from you. With regards to money, ask for the cash up front and only place the order if she pays in full.

Her over dependence on you gives you an awful lot of power in your relationship but If you aren’t prepared to change your behaviour (being so accommodating) than your relationship is unlikely to change. However, I suspect that this relationship dynamic has developed over a number of years and if you’re living with her, then escaping the intensity makes it very difficult. True independence comes with distance.

I understand your frustration but not going to the wedding, is only going to cause issues between you and your auntie.

Iflyaway · 30/07/2018 00:24

She doesn't have a bank account

Shock

That's very unusual, how does she pay her bills and food shopping?

gamerchick · 30/07/2018 00:31

So shes badgering you to pay as well as find?

gamerchick · 30/07/2018 00:32

Get her a Littlewoods catalogue in her own name and tell her to leave you alone.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2018 00:33

If it wasn’t the wedding dress it would be something else, so you are better off addressing the problem- your mother. Unless of course you don’t pay rent so she feels you should contribute financially and in other ways.

GreenTulips · 30/07/2018 00:36

I know people like this

It's like they have a to do list in their head and they need to tick off A before they can even start on B -

A) Dress
B) Jacket
C) shoes

You'll be on R) time of collection
S) What time is dinner
T) who's on our table

Just. Drives. You. Crackers.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2018 00:36

You not going to the wedding won’t stop what’s going on with your mum and would be rude to your cousin and aunt.

The issue is the shopping for your mum, not whether you go to the wedding or not.

BWrose · 30/07/2018 01:07

I work but unfortunately I earn a wage that wouldn't cover a rent. I would find things very tight even in a rented houseshare, so I do live at home.

I do help at home. I contribute financially and even above and beyond. I have another sibling at home who works full time and he doesn't help in any way. He tends to get drunk and abusive and it's something she won't address. She tolerates it from him.

Theres been many times when I said no to my mother in relation to this dress and the time isn't right and then she starts mouthing on, ranting. I like to see the good in people but it's becoming increasingly difficult. It's as if she thinks I owe her because she gave birth to me. I owe her because she raised me. I owe her because I'm living under her roof. (It's actually not her house. My parents are separated but they never divorced, and there's a whole entire new storm going down there).

There been many times when I shouldn't need to say no either. For example, I became I'll back in June. With hayfever, I was sick at night time with coughing to the point of vomiting. I was probably unintentionally noisy and I'd be fairly certain they would have heard me getting sick many nights. My sleep was very poor. I had no choice in the matter but to get up for work in the morning and continue on with my day. By evening time and coming in from work, I was the very picture of death and crippled over choking on my own cough and breath. The dress request came in again while I was trying to catch my breath.

OP posts:
Ventiamore · 30/07/2018 04:23

Gosh, really? Sick with hay fever (at night) to the point of vomiting? Regularly? You need to go to the doctor, I think. By evening time and coming in from work, I was the very picture of death and crippled over choking on my own cough and breath. (This is a bit of an exaggeration, surely.)
Although your mother sounds like a bit of a persistent pain in the bum asking you to keep checking, she understandably wanted to get it sorted as soon as possible, and as you didn't give her a definitive answer, what was the alternative? You need to either help her become more independent (open a bank account with a debit card/show her how to use the internet, which isn't hard/take her to the shops/go through her existing clothes with her), move out (flat share), or put up with it. You do appear to be living there rent free, not sure what you mean by contributing financially, above and beyond, so I do think your mum deserves respect, help and consideration from you. Regardless of how your brother acts. Yes, you find her and her timing irritating, but you choose to live there, with family.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 04:34

You’ve posted about your family before, namely about your brother. Unfortunately, this is the price for living with both your brother and mother. ‘I shouldn’t have to’ suggests that your still of the mindset that your family dynamic with your mother can be anything other than it is, there isn’t a different non abusive woman lurking around the corner, My advice on your other threads still stands, leave. Get a second job, get better qualifications but as long as you stay under the same roof as your brother and mother, you will be going from one toxic crisis to another.

TooSassy · 30/07/2018 05:12

Oh lord OP. These stories remind me of my mother. I had a shiver going down my spine as I read your OP. Sadly this is about control. With control, you don't matter. What matters is that when she says jump, you say 'how high'.

Ventiamore unless you have been on the receiving end of a controlling, self centred parent, it may sound exaggerated but these sorts of examples are commonplace.

I only have one bit of advice (and this is based on Agentjohnsons comments re previous posts). You have to move out and reset boundaries. Nothing changes while you stay sadly.

thebewilderness · 30/07/2018 05:19

When she starts talking about it you need to treat it like a conversation with a person at work. Interested in how she plans to solve her wardrobe problem. Nothing more.
It is hard because we are programed to respond to need by helping. Learning how not to be a problem solver on every occassion is not easy but it is worth it.

Sisgal · 30/07/2018 05:31

To me you sound very dramatic. You are helping create your own problems. Try telling your mum no.

Ventiamore · 30/07/2018 06:38

Ventiamore unless you have been on the receiving end of a controlling, self centred parent, it may sound exaggerated but these sorts of examples are commonplace.

I'm not denying that at all TooSassy, but OP has a number of ways in which she can deal with it (or avoid it), and that is what my post outlined.

Ventiamore · 30/07/2018 06:41

Sorry, the exaggeration I was referring to was the description of OP about her being the very picture of death etc, over hay fever. Which, if actually was the case, needs to be checked out by a medical professional.

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