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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling completely stuck.

8 replies

Loveistheway · 29/07/2018 18:55

Hi

I’ve been with my husband for nearly ten years, I got with him at 20 and our relationship moved very quickly. To begin with everything was great, we had a tough time conceiving our little girl and she was very poorly but we got through it and she is now 5. But for the past 2-3 years things have been hard. I am extremely driven, have always chased a career and last year I started my own business which due to the nature of what I do is very stressful but I enjoy it. I’m really into fitness, train 6 times a week and I’m generally a positive, motivated person. He is a very steady, happy to bob along person, he isn’t interested in a career, refuses to learn to drive and spends most of his time playing computer games. Now I do love him, he is funny, can be very thoughtful etc and we have a great sex life, but I can’t help but feel we have grown in complete opposite directions. I try and motivate him as at the minute I pay for most of the bills, I drive him everywhere, pay for my car, fuel, childcare etc. But everytime I mentioning him learning to drive (so it takes some pressure off me) I just get told to shut up and he says things like “go be with someone who can drive then”. I just feel trapped because I can’t seem to get him to become better for us as a family. We aren’t intimate at all, apart from sex and even then we don’t cuddle or anything. I just feel so lost and have noone to talk to.

OP posts:
ThinkingCat · 29/07/2018 19:18

People will come along and tell you to leave him Hmm but I think maybe you could focus on developing friendships (not affairs just other people to talk to and do things with) and consider that one person cannot be everything you need, and often relationships work because for example one is very pro-active and the other is more content as they are.
Having said that, does he actually work and earn money? Why are you paying most of the bills? Playing computer games all the time sounds quite immature for a married 30 year old with a child.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2018 19:21

Oh ffs, @ThinkingCat. Why on earth would you encourage her to stay with someone like this? Your standards must be really low if you think she should just get a friend to counteract this knobhead.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 29/07/2018 19:29

Well, in an odd way perhaps you balance each other out? But that can only work if you let him be him without trying to carry him. So if he wants to go somewhere, let him get there on his own, stop giving him lifts all the time. If he's genuinely happy to not drive, then he should be happy to get the bus/train/walk etc.

Have a think about the best bits of him, and see if they are worth the worst bits of him. If he's not career driven, then he could carry more of the home work load.

But if you're left carrying everything, then tbh what is the point of him? A shag is not worth that angst.

Loveistheway · 29/07/2018 19:33

Oh he does work. He has a job its just I earn more than him. The problem is it easiest easy for me to just seperate as we have our house, which is near my daughters school. I had to take on a big chunk of business debt to set my business up so I couldnt afford all the outgoings on my own, but I wouldnt want to sell and go back into rented as it is extremely expensive where I live. I feel like he needs a massive kick up the arse to realise what he has but I have no idea how to do it.

OP posts:
anniefin · 29/07/2018 19:36

How can you have a great sex life but not feel intimate at all?

ThinkingCat · 29/07/2018 19:40

Because HollowTalk I'm fed up with reading thread after thread where everyone tells an Op to leave their partner rather than trying to solve the issue without breaking up children's parents.

KingKongNoWrong · 29/07/2018 19:45

Well said ThinkingCat

Loveistheway · 29/07/2018 20:03

Anniefin I don’t know how to explain it. We are only intimate when we have sex. Any other time we don’t kiss, hug etc...its sex only.

OP posts:
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