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Relationships

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Original poster

Baby's father and other woman

27 replies

Smallandcute · 29/07/2018 16:19

Hi all,

I am new here so if this is the wrong place to post please feel free to move. I also apologise in advance about how this post is going to be.

So first off a little about me. I am 29, 30 in a couple of months and 12 weeks pregnant today. And I sure do not know what to do for the best.

So I have been with this man for just over 13 yrs. We have previously spoken about marraige and children but he wont even live with me right now. To top it off I found out a little while ago that he was with another woman, we will call her C, the same time he was supposed to be with me, to add to this he has had to kids with her. He didnt have the guts to tell me, I found out through his family. To say I feel angry, hurt and upset is a complete understatement.

I have had enough of him not bothering with our relationship so told him this on Friday evening after my scan via text as he was supposed to come over but didnt show at which point I got a load of messages back blaming everyone else but himself for what he is going through. He seems to think that he is the only one on this planet having to work a full time job, having other things goingin his family etc and dealing with general life to life crap. I have replied today to say that he will need to let me know when he has a definitive answer as to what he wants from this relationship because I am no longer putting up with this. I doubt I will get this. Btw he does not know i am pregnant yet and nor do I want him to know until I am ready to tell him.

Previously I fell pregnant and he forced me to have an abortion. When I told him about this first pregnancy he flew off the handle and gave me such a telling off about this being all my fault and I would be a bad and useless mother and I am a b for this happening to him. By this point he had his two little brats with C and I highly doubt he spoke to her like that or forced her to have an abortion.

C has openly admitted that she wishes she had never had her kids and she is no way a good parent. She doesnt do the basics with them, take care of them when they are sick and just constantly shouts at them. I have known C a long time, before she had her brats, knew what she was like then and so I know along with other facts that she is not a good parent in the slightest.

I do not know how to feel about this pregnancy. part of me really wants to be a mum and I know I would be a good one at that but I also do not want my baby to be related to said brats in any way, shape or form. I also do not want them knowing about my baby. Quite frankly if the man in question wanted anything to do with this child then it would be supervised access only so I know that baby is not having anything to do with them or C which I know they would. I am not interested in his money, I would rather do this alone but I can see him insisting he gets his way in every aspect of this.

To top this off I dont want to be giving birth where I have been refered to which is my only option, I do not drive and this is the closest hospital/unit within an hour of where I live, as I know this is where C gave birth and it more then turns my stomach.

I really do not know how to feel about this pregancy and what i should do. I have been in tears most of the day trying my best to figure out what to do so any insight would be great.

If you got this far reading then thanks xx

OP posts:

DontSmackThePony · 29/07/2018 16:22

Why are you calling innocent children brats?

ReservoirDogs · 29/07/2018 16:23

So he secretly had 2 children with C while you were together? If so why are you having anything to do with him.

Please don refer to his children as brats - they can't help the circumstances they came into the world.

ReservoirDogs · 29/07/2018 16:25

If you want the baby I asume it will be as a single mum.

If you don't then arrange a termination sooner rather than later.

Either way ditch him

Whatsnewwithyou · 29/07/2018 16:26

It really, really doesn't sound like you're in a good position to have this baby right now. And if you do you'll be tied to his other children, the other woman and him for the rest of your lives. I think the best thing would be to either terminate the pregnancy or give the baby up depending on your beliefs. And please don't call the other children brats, they haven't done anything to deserve this situation.

DontSmackThePony · 29/07/2018 16:27

Are you for real...?

You knew this man had been leading a double life. He was with somebody else and had children with her. You found out a while ago, yet you ended things with him on Friday gone because he wasn't putting effort into his relationship with you?

Do you see how you have massively missed the point?

You do know he cheated on you not her? You are so bitter about her you cant even speak with respect and humanity about children.

Whether you give birth to a child in the same hospital as her is really a none issue.

I think a grip needs to be got here

freetoagoodhome · 29/07/2018 16:29

Calling two innocent children brats?? Maybe you’ll not be the good mother you’re so sure you’ll be.

dirtybadger · 29/07/2018 16:34

Skipping over the unkind/judgmental attitude towards the children...

It sounds your partner was with this other woman, and you were (unknowingly) "the other woman". I doubt she knew he was with you at the time either, you have both been "had"

Realistically you cant insist he has supervised access. On what grounds? Is he violent or abusive? Would the child be in danger? Being an arsehole and a cheat isnt sufficient grounds to insist on supervised contact. What happens if he takes you to court for EOW + some mid week time (after baby is older enough for this)?

You cant stop your (potential) child having a relationship with its half siblings. If the father has contact, he can do what he likes in this time. You cant lie to your child and pretend they dont have these relatives, they will grow up to resent that.

Just some considerations in your decision making.

But he is a total cunt and you should not entertain having him back. You are better off alone, he has lied to you for over a decade.

TeddyIsaHe · 29/07/2018 16:34

With you up until you called children brats. You nasty piece of work. You and your ‘d’p deserve each other. Good luck! You’re going to need it!

ems137 · 29/07/2018 16:44

It sounds like you were the "other woman" and his real relationship was with this woman he's had 2 children with

If I was you I'd continue with my pregnancy (if you want to?) and possibly move away, or at least move house. I wouldn't tell him or his family about the baby and if asked I would say it's someone else's. I would never want anything to do with the scumbag again.

And please don't refer the her children as brats. It's not their fault they've got a shit mum and a cheating father is it? Those poor children clearly haven't got the best life have they?

Shortstuff08 · 29/07/2018 16:44

So he was with a woman for years, long enough to have more than one child. You know this woman well enough to know she is an appalling mother......But didn't know he was with her?

You do realise that YOU are the other woman. Not her. Don't you.

As for calling her kids brats, either you are a troll or you are far too childish to have a baby.

user1484830599 · 29/07/2018 16:46

Erm, sorry to break it to you but you are the OW in this scenario. He sounds like an absolute price tool, but I lost any sympathy when you called the other kids brats.

What a horrible situation all around
I wish you all the best but you need to prepare yourself for him not being around.

WonderfulWonders · 29/07/2018 16:47

Does he live with C? Seems like you are the OW not her?

rinabean · 29/07/2018 16:50

You're the other woman, she is his partner and the mother of his children

He would be able to force access to this child if you have it

The children aren't brats and if you are worried about your child being related to "brats" (and not to a cheating father or a foolish mother) I'm not as convinced as you are that you'd be a good one, at least not at this time, or with this man.

You don't have to have a kid with him and it sounds like you really don't want to. That doesn't mean you won't be able to have a child later. You can't stop him attempting to coparent this child. I'm sorry you're so sad but I think you know what the sensible option is.

Rebecca36 · 29/07/2018 16:52

Difficult to work out what you want OP. At 29 you are still young. You could find someone else who suits you better and have a family. Your part-time man sounds very immature and unpleasant but you can finish the relationship.

Don't waste yourself, you are better than all that!

dirtybadger · 29/07/2018 16:52

I dont think moving away is a great option.

15 years later, DC wants to know who their father is. They discover you never told their dad, and have denied them any relationship with them. I think explaining you were fearful of them is a pretty decent justification (in the case of known abusers), but I'm not sure being hurt by cheating and such really justifies denying a child a right to understanding half of themselves, in some ways. Half siblings, grandparents, father. He might not be a great father (?) but he might not be completely useless. And its always going to be easier to explain to a child an absent father in the context of them having had their chance and not taken it, than the other parent not even giving them the opportunity to have any relationship.

My nephew has a shitbag (violent, formerly alcoholic) father, but lovely grandparents and uncles and aunts, for example. He would have missed out on a lot by denying him those relationships.

Plus unless you move very far, stop contact with all mutual friends, maybe even family, come off all social media....they'll find out.

clownfaces · 29/07/2018 17:00

If you know C well enough for her to tell you that she wishes she didn't have the children, how didn't you know that your 'partner' was seeing her and is the father to the children?
Weird

batshitbetty · 29/07/2018 17:30

I don't mean to be rude, but it sounds like you are the OW in this scenario, and C is the one actually in a relationship with him.

Mummummummummummmmmmy · 29/07/2018 17:31

Firstly, you're not in a relationship with him, he's in a relationship with 'c' he's just fucking you behind her back.

Secondly, if you're calling your unborn babies siblings brats, then may suggest you find the nearest clinic to terminate, as your 'partner' was right you'll not make a good mum.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 29/07/2018 17:36

I think it's too much to tell her to terminate because she'll be a crap mum

That said...OP you are the other woman ...not her

You also need to seriously stop calling her kids brats

Basically walk away from him and by all means make your own choice about the pregnancy

But either way ...get some counselling or grow the hell up...if you choose to have the baby being a parent is about being mature and dealing with the hard times in an adult manner

Not throwing your toys out of the pram and having a tantrum...

Honeyroar · 29/07/2018 17:37

You're going to be a single parent, just remember that. This bloke won't live with you, didn't want to have a child with you and is with someone else. Having a child with him will mean he, his children and probably/possibly his girlfriend will be in you and your child's life for decades. Being in the same hospital is nothing!

Mummummummummummmmmmy · 29/07/2018 17:44

Not really no! Read the op again, she is clearly not very mature and from the way the op is written, this poor child will be brought into this world used a pawn by a hateful woman.

Who says things like that? I have quite a few half siblings from my dad, my dm nor their dms have ever blamed us for my dad not being able to keep his dick in one place and have always welcomed each others children into their respective homes.

Mummummummummummmmmmy · 29/07/2018 17:45

Sorry bold fail.

EllaNB · 29/07/2018 17:49

Wow you sound really horrible and immature! Who speaks about innocent children in that way?!

LeroyJenkins · 29/07/2018 18:01

Brats??

If you have this child, you will forever be tied together - is that what you want?

SandyY2K · 29/07/2018 18:06

I can't take you seriously or muster up any sympathy when you call his kids brats.

Aside from thst important matter...this man doesn't love or respect you...and you are the OW.

Stop wasting your time with a man who doesn't give 2 hoots about you.

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