Dilemma over having a second child! Advice needed!

[MummySSG]

Hi, I am new to mumsnet so not too sure how this works. I have a 18 month old son and most of my friends already have at least one (or planning another) or more children. Me and my husband always wanted 2 children but since having our son and realising how hard it is (mainly because I struggled with breastfeeding but stuck at it, due to being advised by midwives etc, and not knowing any better! Ended up feeding every 30mins- 1hour so night time was fun). As I have a few friends currently either pregnant or who have had newborns recently I am getting broody, which I never thought I would get after the nightmare we had with our son as a new born I don't know how I could manage with a second but I really want another! My husband is also unable to help too much due to a serious knee injury and unable to carry any weight or kneel down, therefore I have to pretty much do everything. I don't want to try and persuade my husband of the idea of a second if I'm going to then struggle as that won't be fair on either our son or a new born if we had one. I am so unsure what to do as I really want another and keep imagining my day with my toddler and a new born around. Did anyone else feel like they didn't want another and were happy with their 1st then decided to have a 2nd? Have you managed better than you did with your first? Or if anyone regrets not having another? As I really don't want to regret not having another.

I had a second, 22 months apart. Number two was an "accident" as we weren't really trying and I needed medical help conceiving the first. I was a bit worried but decided to just press on and cope. It was all fine. A lot of work, but fine.

And because they're just two years apart they've become good friends as teenagers. Trust that you will love the second. They are all unique, special children.

Thankyou for responding! That is something positive to think about! Just worried my son will miss out on spending time with us alone if we had a baby to look after. But I think that might be me over thinking what happened with him when he was little and I'm a bit wiser now to know if a baby isn't feeding well then do something different. Thanks again!

The second is much easier as you know what you're doing and have all of the kit already! Your son will still be quite young if you have another one now and will adapt fine. It would be much harder if he was 5 or 6 at this point.

Two has been just perfect for us.

Just had my second. My eldest is 3- we were trying for a while and that is how it panned out- and we are grateful for that age difference. He is old enough to be patient, forgiving, fetch things when I need it and happy to be with others. And he loves her. Friends with closer age gaps had problems with jealousy.

We can’t imagine how others cope with closer ages. Although they obviously do.

Also, we are much more relaxed with 2nd. Breastfeeding was easy because I knew what I was doing so was way more relaxed. I also managed to keep the first one alive so reasonably confident that this one will too. Less stress over every little cry or upset.

Hardest thing is working out how to juggle them both. Who do you put in the car first and how to get them out? One bag or two?

We are getting there though.

How that helps

We thought we were done after one child but recently had another. Our eldest is 5. I find the bigger age gap more manageable because he is able to do most things for himself and can understand when the baby’s needs have to come first. He loves being a big brother.
Like you, I really struggled to breastfeed my first and struggled on for 6 months. My second is easy to feed, nothing I’ve done differently, just a different baby! I am loving having another baby. I am more confident in myself and it’s not life changing the way it was first time round. He’s just fitted in and is our lovely little cherry on top of our already perfect cake!

Your baby is still so little and you have plenty of time to decide still if you aren’t sure right now. There would have been no way in hell I would have wanted another when my dd was 18 months. We wanted to enjoy her and we wanted some sort of adult life back first.

There’s a 5 year gap between our two and it was perfect (2nd was born when I was 37). It’s honestly been a breeze in comparison. Our older one is in school so I get lots of one on one time with ds and financially it means not struggling to pay for two in childcare. I had a horrible, traumatic experience with bf with my first but this one has been easy. I feel well rested and totally wasn’t the sort of shock that our first was. We’re more laid back about it, which helps, but the age gap made a massive difference too.

So I wouldn’t necessarily worry it will be anything like the first time. I felt the same, but it really has been easy compared to how overwhelming having our first was.

If youre undecided and not getting on too much (ahem), why not wait a year and then reevaluate?

Thankyou so much to all of you for your responses and personal experience. I think a 2nd child may be in my future now , instead of it being a no! I am going to give it some time though to enjoy the time I have on my own with my son and maybe see how I feel again in 6 months as I don't want a big age gap if I were to have one. I'm thinking that as I'm thinking about another it is something I want, I don't want to just have my son (who I love so much and can't actually see me loving another person as much as him!) And regret not ever having another. I know no one would ever admit to it or probably has never felt like they regretted having anymore children, I think I will regret not having another. I was absolutely fine about giving birth to my son but am now petrified of the idea after how awful my labour was!!! I also had a horrible pregnancy and suffered such a bad back that I had to be signed off work 2 months before my maternity even started!! I am so worried I will have a bad pregnancy and not be able to look after my son as I am basically on my own as my husband is unable to help as much as he would like! I really appreciate all your messages and think I have some thinking to do!! Need to defiantly weigh up the pros and cons! Although I think I am always going to want another child, no matter how hard it has all been. And I really don't want to not have one and regret it! It's not selfish on my son having another child is it? In fact it would benefit him as he has a sibling and a life long friend right? I just feel my attention would not be on him as much and it will affect him. I feel I'm making this a tougher decision than it should be! Although I do like my life at the moment just our little family so that is probably why I'm struggling to decide right now! I think I defiantly need to reassess the situation in a few months or longer and see how I feel and enjoy spending the time I have with my son! Thanks again for responses!

It's not selfish on my son having another child is it? In fact it would benefit him as he has a sibling and a life long friend right?

No, I don't think it's selfish at all. My son and daughter are close friends and do lots of things together that they would have missed as only children.

We have 2, 2 years apart and they are the best of friends! I was scared with ds 2, as had a horrific labour with ds1, but the second one was so much easier! Ds1 lives having a play mate and loved the feeling of being the ‘big brither’ when ds2 was born!
Top tip: my dh has a knee replacement and couldn’t bend/kneel for some time. Get a changing table!! It was a godsend! No need to kneel down to change baby and it meant he could do his share of nappy changes! We’ve still got it actually, repainted and in the conservatory housing plants! 😂

I think best to work on the assumption that they wont be best of friends. Close age gap (IME) means far from it growing up, but then maybe when they get a bit older. I am 2 years apart from both my siblings and we were absolute twats to each other as were most people I know who had siblings within a few years. But after I was about 20 I started getting on with one sibling. We are very close now. Other one I also get on with okay too. I volunteer with kids (mixed ages) and we get quite a few siblings at the organisation....they are a normally very "squabbly". Low level irritating. Although very sweet when you get the occassional pair who actually seem to like one another.

Definitely do it for yourself and be prepared rather than assuming it will be brilliant for existing DC. It may be when DC2 is very little, but things quickly escalate. But then I think in most cases settle again when adult. Either way DC1 isnt going to hold it against you. The bickering is more stressful for the spectators than the kids

I had no intention of having a second after a traumatic first pregnancy but was talked into it by my ex. We tried the once and I got pregnant. I’m so glad I did. There’s 2.5 years between them and they get on like a house on fire. They bicker of course, but they’re each other's greatest champion.

Thanks for all the positive responses. @daria32 we used to have a changing table when our son was newborn but once he started to get heavier my husband can't even walk around carrying him, that's how bad his knee is, so he hasn't changed him for probably a year! This is my biggest issue is my husband can't help out so it will all be in me to do as I already do plus with an extra person. I feel like I want another, it will be nice for my son but I don't want to push myself too much by having another person to look after! Not sure if I can handle looking after 2, a house, a husband and a dog lol. My sister is a single parent of 2 and she copes ok but she doesn't have a husband to clean up after too lol I think I need to weigh up the pros and cons. As I had slight PND when my son was born, think it was down to the breast feeding not going so well and I really wanted to do well at it so I think I beat myself up a bit and therefore didn't really enjoy the newborn stage with my son (sounds quite mean, but I was pretty much just feeding all the time so when I wasn't feeding I didn't feel the need to hug and just hold him, which I regret so much now as he doesn't really like cuddles lol) so I don't want to bring another person into the world and then not cope well and have a toddler to look after aswelll. Decisionsn, decisions!!