Feel like I've really missed out in life by not having good, solid friendships

[NotGoodAtMakingFriends]

I've had to name change for this as it's really embarrassing and silly.

Basically I grew up with abusive parents who I feel stopped me from having/making friendships in a variety of ways: 1) they didn't have any friends themselves and would usually fall out with any they did have 2) they didn't like me having friendships and would get angry and moody with me if I'd been to a friend's house or if I got too 'friendly' with anyone and tell me I had to 'cool it', and 3) they basically convinced me that I'm not interesting or nice enough or worthy enough for anyone to particularly like anyway. They also always found fault/have found fault with everyone and never looked for the good in anyone and got irritated with people and I feel like this train of thought rubbed off on me a bit. My parents would always go on and on about flaws of different friends I had and convince me to drop them or fall out with them.

I'm in my early 40s now and have been non contact with my parents for 5 years and I'm very glad I've made that choice, however I feel like I've really missed out on not having good friendships throughout life because of my upbringing, and I think that it's too late to change that now really.

I have, on the surface, lots of friends, and seem like a popular person, but I just don't seem to get the pleasure out of friendships that others do, and keep everyone very much at arm's length and never get too close to anyone. I have had so, so many friends come in and out of my life I think because I hold myself back and can't seem to get into friendships and in the end they drift off as they think I'm not bothered either way. I'm shit at keeping in touch with people, I think through lack of confidence and lack of learning how to develop friendships when I was a child.

I just feel sad, and like I've missed out by not having great, long standing friendships that go back to my childhood. And I also feel sad, and resentful that because of my upbringing I lack lots of vital friendship making skills.

As I mentioned, it's too late to change now, and I can't change what has happened in the past but it all makes me feel so down. I have a DH and DC (DC are brilliant at making good friendships), but often feel unfulfilled in life and empty and I know this is because I lack the friendships that so many others seem to have. The type where someone has known someone else for years and is fully accepting of all their flaws.

Thank you for reading this if you've got to the end. Has anyone got any similar experiences?

OP, I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling. It sounds like you were let down very badly by your parents. I don't have any words of wisdom I'm afraid but I can really relate to a lot of what you said. My parents weren't abusive but their relationship was appalling and I grew up in a pretty miserable home. Like yours, they had no real friends themselves (I think because their relationship was so bad, they couldn't have been in company with anyone for more than an hour without fighting) and so I feel like I had no model at all for a normal friendship or relationship.

My parents were also very cutting about all other people, including our scant relatives, our neighbours and my friends. It's hard to explain - it was never out-and-out nasty, just low level piss-taking and I grew up thinking that not really liking other people was just normal. My mother also had some questionable moral views and all of this basically meant I was probably a pretty bad friend myself as a teenager and young adult, although I had no idea at the time. I have no friends at all from school or university and it is a big source of sadness if I let myself dwell on it. Tellingly neither do either of my two older sisters.

Since having DC I've become more aware of my own issues and behaviours and I am able to be a better friend now and I have a reasonable circle of friends. I still sometimes feel on the outside of things though, and feel sad that I will never have a "Best friend" relationship. Interestingly I also am shit at keeping in touch with people which I don't even understand myself, given how deep down I crave these friendships. Two of my good friends are such wonderful people who have had happy upbringings and have countless happy memories and friends from their childhoods. I feel like such a freak compared to them and I wonder if they have ever wondered why I don't have longer standing friendships myself. It makes me feel sad that they are my "best friends" but that I am just another one of their many good friends iyswim. One of the reasons I wanted a small wedding was because I honestly couldn't have named any bridesmaids. I've never been a bridesmaid to anyone myself.

Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a pity party! I just wanted to say I sympathize with you OP.

Maybe you can keep a schedule (hidden) where you keep track on when it's time to "keep in touch"? For others it might something they do automatically, but for some people it isn't the case. You have missed out, but can't go back in time to correct it. One way forward is to decide to be happy with life such as it is. Maybe you can join a club or association and that way find support from a group of "friends" (or acquaintances really) where you share a common interest, even though these people will never be your friends in the way some people have long-standing friendship since their teenage years or university.

Hi.i also struggle with maintaining good friends or even relationships. I feel sad about it. After having a friend for sometime I start feeling they are unreasonable for one or the other reason and I keep distance after that. Really feel need of having friends around and not sure where I go wrong!

I totally understand OP and I am the same. Wish I knew the magic formula for making and keeping friends!

In your post you have said twice that it is "too late now" to change.

That is such nonsense it makes me cross.

Do you WANT to change and give yourself the chance to make deep, lasting friendships that will continue the rest of your life? Or do you just want to moan about how it's "too late" for that and you'll always be like this and keep people at arms length and that's just how it is, poor me, etc

Sorry, I know that is harsh, but really - it is not too late. You are clearly capable of meeting people but you don't allow those friendships to develop. Find a therapist you trust, work on why that is and give it a try. You are forty now - it is perfectly possible that at your 60th birthday will be close friends who you have known for twenty years and who love you just as you are.

In short, socks up, OP. Pity party over

I don't really have advice OP but just wanted to say that our situation sounds very similar, it's easy for someone to say there's still time to change, but unless they've gone through the same emotional abuse, which is what this is, they won't understand. Years of put downs does definitely affect you and gives you a certain mindset that's difficult to shake off.

I'm the same due to crap parenting. As with a poster above I didn't learn anything positive about relationships at home and was mostly a drunken and thoughtless friend through my youth, friends from that period are mostly still instrong lifelong friendships while I am largely on the periphery or out of it altogether.
I didn't become a parent until 40, ergo trying to make new 'mum' friends has been hard as a) not many my age and b) most people have strong established friendships already.
Add to that my bring a single mumwithno close family ties anywhere makes me very lonely.
I do have a huge amount of friends but nobody close, everyone else has 'best' friends. My one best friend from childhood has become a serious alcoholic and very difficult to be around.
I've also had people want to be my best friend but they've been the kind who are domineering and/or not healthy for me to be around so I have put up strong boundaries too.
My mum kept me away from all our extended family, despite me trying to rebuild links as an adult they all live at opposite ends of the country to me and are tied up with their own lives so I don't have particularly strong connections there either.
This has become my own whinge too but sending solidarity. You're not alone with this.

I have lots of good childhood friends, and although it is lovely it is also something I work at.
I often call or text or even drop a little remembrance in the post for them. It is wonderful to have a great support system but it doesn’t magically maintain itself.
The reason I am writing this down is really to make the point that you can do this now - you can be interested in your friends lives, and demonstrate your care for them in whatever way is appropriate for you, and build from there...
Good luck!

Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity

I’m going to be cruel to be kind OP.
It’s time to stop blaming your parents and live your own life. It is NEVER too late. Don’t wallow in self pity.