We’ve upset MIL

[SoHumble]

DH was talking to his mum on the phone earlier. At the end of the call she said she’d been very upset about something which had happened a few weeks ago when she’d been staying.

One of our young DC had said they didn’t like MIL’s partner (who wasn’t there). Me and DH had done that embarrassed laugh thing and MIL then made some comment about sometimes the partner being nice and sometimes not so nice.

MIL didn’t mention it further at the time but was clearly very upset about our reactions and felt we’d been taking negatively in front of our DC about her partner (we haven’t).

Anyway, she was REALLY upset about it on the phone. DH apologised and that was that. I’m just wondering if we should do now. Feel unsure of whether just to leave it, try and explain ourselves or maybe send something to say sorry?

For what it’s worth, we actually don’t like her partner as he’s treated her very badly. But they barely see each other (don’t live together) and we rarely see him (once every couple of years now. They both live a long distance from us). However we are very polite and friendly to him when we do see him.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

You hasn't encouraged your child to say what they did and you've apologised anyway for any upset caused; plus, you do genuinely think he's a twat, which I understand you might not want her to know but which does, I think, eradicate any sort of necessity to do anything further than simply apologise (so no sending her anything). Kids often say what they think, and if MIL can't cope with that it's probably a good thing she's relatively far from seeing her grandchildren too often.

Explain that you haven't been bad-mouthing her partner. I think you do need to make that clear and not let her think you have.

How old is ds? Sometimes kids hit the nail on the head. They aren't stupid.

Sounds like she doesn't want to face the fact the dc were spot on in their opinion.
Unfortunately dc have the habit of speaking the truth. Maybe rude at times but they obviously feel comfortable enough with their dgm to be honest.
Maybe age appropriately advise the dc best not mention x next time she is here.
And tell mil oops but dc will be dc and leave it.

Hadn't, sorry, not hasn't. Hungover thumbs.

Why can't you just tell it straight? You haven't been talking about MIL's partner to DC, or in front of him. It he doesn't like the dp, then that's just the way he feels. Kids are honest and don't have a filter on what they say. Tbh, it sounds as though MIL privately agrees that the partner isn't pleasant, but didn't like hearing the truth.

Thanks all. This is very helpful.

DC is 6 and has autism so sometimes says blunt/random things.

DH did say we hadn’t been talking about her partner in front of the children. He also said that she can’t expect us to be hugely positive about her partner when she’s told us all the hurtful things he’s done.

Think I’ll just leave it and not mention it unless she brings it up.

I know exactly what I would do. I would leave it alone unless she brings it up, but if she does, I would tell her the truth that no, you don't care for him and you have very valid reasons why as to the way he has treated her. Maybe it will wake her up.

Shes upset because she doesn't want anyone to comment on how shit her relationship is. She wants to be allowed to save face. But then she also wants sympathy when he's nasty to her...

My sense is that pandering too much to her feelings would effectively be telling her it's ok to be in a shit relationship and then to dump on her DC with no consequences, expecting her DC (ie your dh) to put on a happy face with the partner. That's a no from me. That's basically expecting your DC to participate in your abusive relationship. Revolting behaviour imo.

I wouldn't bring it up again. If she brings it up, I'd very honest but kind. "As dh said, we haven't been talking about your partner. But as I'm sure you understand, kids pick up on things. It's a tough one because DC is probably trying to express his concern for you."

This is all ringing very true. I really hate the thought of MIL being hurt by our actions (she said we were very “rude and cruel” which I feel is a massive over-reaction but very upsetting nonetheless). I think you’re right that it’s shone a light on her awful relationship and she’s directing her anger about that at us.

Well you aren't obliged to like him, just because he's your DM's BF. He isn't really a DP if they see each other so seldom.

You've apologised, you don't bad mouth him in front of your DCs, and are polite to him in person. That's enough.