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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get through this?! - This is a long read

20 replies

user1471173214 · 29/07/2018 08:48

So I've decided to finish with my partner of 8.5 years.
I just don't know how to get through it without wanting him back?!

A bit of background and the reason behind my decision -
A few years back I found him making fake profiles. On Facebook, Snapchat and dating sites. I forgave him.
Then a few years later, the same again but no Snapchat. I forgave him again.
This caused major trust issues.
I went on holiday with my family. And told him this would be make or break. If I come home and he can prove to me he's been on nothing like that again whatsoever, then he will have gained back my trust.
When I was on holiday, we were great. (Well, it seemed great) talking on the phone. Texting. Having a laugh. Him telling me how much he misses me and the kids etc.
I came home Friday. We had amazing sex. Yesterday, my son had his phone and he had accidentally typed a letter in the search bar, and a dating site came up (Like hes been on it before) so as you would, I clicked on it. And there it was. Another dating site. Fake profile with a fake email address. Messages to other women. Then I did some more snooping. Snapchat.

I stayed calm. I asked him for the truth. He denied it at first but he did eventually admit to it all. He walked out the house. I then broke down into tears.

I am truly heartbroken. I love him so much but when do I draw the line? It has to be now. I know it's my own fault for forgiving him but I don't deserve this, do I? He blames me. Says I drive him to it. Tells me I'm controlling. He even told me the other week that if I loved him that much I would have a threesome with me and another woman because I would want him to be happy. Even after me telling him I wouldn't he comfortable with it.

Now i have two children. Both to him. One is 3, one is 6. They love him so much. I don't want it to hit them too hard. I also depend on him financially. My whole world is crashing down at once and I have no one to talk to.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 29/07/2018 08:54

OMG! Get rid of this selfish fuckwit asap. Angry

How dare he treat you like this!

justpoppngby · 29/07/2018 08:55

Hello, I'm sorry I have no helpful advice but I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, it sounds very difficult , hopefully someone more helpful will be along soon. 💐💐

Cambionome · 29/07/2018 08:56

Sorry, I know that wasn't very helpful but you really shouldn't be putting up with this shit.

Going it alone isn't always easy, but a hell of a lot easier than living with someone like this.

MonaLisaSimpson · 29/07/2018 08:57

This is not your fault, this is his fault and he's shown you that he's not going to change.

eve34 · 29/07/2018 08:58

You deserve better. This man has no respect for you or your relationship. I do know how hard it is to draw your line in the sand. Gather good people around you. And show him you won't tolerate this anymore.

MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2018 08:59

You do know what will happen if you don't end it don't you?

junebirthdaygirl · 29/07/2018 09:02

And 100% its not your fault. He could have left you if he wasn't happy or gone for counselling. No he is a total brat..to you and to your dc. What proper father puts his profile up on a dating site while his dc and his wife are away for a few days? He is not good for any of ye. Tell him to leave. You don't leave as you have the dc. It will take time but keep reminding yourself of all the chances you gave him.
Read up here on all the advice re financial stuff/ solictors etc. You will come through this.

8FencingWire · 29/07/2018 09:04

You will be so so much happier without him!!!
Sorry you’re going through this.
Tell everybody close to you, put your war paint on and get rid of him! Flowers

category12 · 29/07/2018 09:08

If you stay, it'll be a lifetime of policing him and catching him out.

Making out it's your fault for not wanting a threesome is just... Are you even bisexual? What would his next sexual fantasy be that you'd have to fulfil?

Leave him.

LML83 · 29/07/2018 09:09

It is scary and hard. But in a short while some practicalities will be sorted. And in 6 months or a year you will realise it's the best decions you ever made.

Understand why you tried but you deserve a lot more. And the kids will benefit from never remembering how he treated you. He will still be their dad they won't loose him it will but be different.

Stay brave and strong. The only alternative is accepting he cheats and you need to value yourself more than that.

Sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
user1471173214 · 29/07/2018 09:14

It's so hard. I don't want to stay with him due to how I feel but I know that when it's all blown over I will want him. That's the hard bit. That and still having to see him due to the children.

Just trying to figure out what on earth is wrong with me. What have I done to him for him to do something like this - Again.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 29/07/2018 09:16

Try thinking of like this. You don't love him, you love the person you thought he was. He's proved beyond doubt that person never existed, it was all a mirage. This man, the real him, is a stranger to you. Honestly, he has had every opportunity to change. If he loved you, respected you, cared about you, he would never have done it in the first place. The fact that he continued to do it even when he knew it was his last chance is proof he will never deserve you.

MarthasGinYard · 29/07/2018 09:17

'What have I done to him for him to do something like this - Again.'

This is where you are going wrong

You are looking for reasons and trying to blame yourself

He'd do it anyway, no matter who he was with.

He's a serial liar and you've probably only scratched the surface

If you stay together it will be pushed under stones more, just harder for you to see.

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/07/2018 09:18

What have I done to him for him to do something like this

Nothing. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's your fault. That just leads to if you can change maybe you can fix him. You can't fix him because technically he's not broken, he has fundamental design flaws.

Hammondisback · 29/07/2018 09:29

He sounds very immature. It’s difficult that you depend on him financially, but, taking a pragmatic approach, if you can get proof of his earnings, he will still have to provide for your 2 children. You don’t deserve to be treated like this, he obviously has no respect for you. The threesome thing shows his selfishness and immaturity - acting out such fantasies may be OK when there are no children involved, but bringing someone else into the relationship when you have 2 little ones can only cause real problems. Also, he should respect your boundaries. Respect is the real crux of the issue here - he doesn’t seem to have much for you, unfortunately. If you go back to him, he will have even less, and continue to act in the same way. Respect yourself and stay strong for your children - he’s the problem, not you.

Original poster
user1471173214 · 29/07/2018 09:35

I just want an explanation for it really.

Like since the children, I have let myself go. I've gained weight and don't put much effort into myself any more. I just don't feel like I have the energy. I aren't happy. With myself of with him. I rarely leave the house. Only for shopping or school run.
I get that he may not fancy me anymore but is that really a reason to message other women? Could he not just explain to me that he isn't attracted to me anymore?

OP posts:
eve34 · 29/07/2018 09:59

It's not you. It's him. He is a selfish man. Just thinking with his dick.

If he put on weight or went bald would you go looking for someone else? No because you love him and are committed and loyal. He has none of those qualities. And ultimately you won't really get a definitive answer other than he is selfish and just thinking about his own needs. You deserve better xx

Joysmum · 29/07/2018 10:06

The one thing people like him have in common is that in their eyes it is never their fault otherwise they’d be complete shits!

The reason he did it isn’t a reflection on you so don’t look to yourself for answers. Look to him. He did it because he’s who he is, it’s no more complicated than that!

inshockrightnow · 29/07/2018 10:10

Oh my God. He's horrendous. You will thrive with him out of your life.

justthisguy · 30/07/2018 01:11

100% what @eve34 said. I've been where you've been user. I can relate to what you're going through so much it hurts (although i my case it was a woman thinking with... well... whatever is the equivalent of a man's equipment, I guess!)

Blaming yourself right now though, is completely natural - it's the brain's way of trying to assert some control over a trauma that, essentially, you had very little control over and you couldn't have foreseen. It's true, he would've been like this with anyone. Until he actually starts to grow as a person and gain maturity nothing is going to change. But the brain wants to believe it could have changed an outcome - even if it means completely blaming yourself.

Give it time. Get as much support from friends and family as possible. Talk through it with them as much as you can. Gradually you'll learn that the problem lies with him.

Also agree that relationships are about respect and his actions show precious little of that. That's a deal-breaker in and of itself.

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