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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just want to leave him but don't know how

25 replies

thevelvetundergroundandnico · 29/07/2018 06:19

Everything is so shit I never post on here but things are so bad I'm scared for my life
I'm not a Mum so I don't have children to worry about
He wants sex every day and says I'm weird and like an old lady for not wanting it every day
I was raped by someone else last year and it was in July it was horrible but I could still have sex with my partner without it being bad but now it's really hard for me to have sex with him but when I do it's hard and he says I don't love him and tries to make me feel guilty.
I live with him he's 26 I'm 18yo. My parents love him and don't know the true extent of this. He's good at coming across as s nice guy so don't think anyone would believe me. Tonight I'm sleeping on the sofa he's told me to pack my things and leave now but I can't I'm sleeping in the living room 😔

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 29/07/2018 06:28

Leave him now, he will get worse. Report the rape if you haven't already and get some real life support. Don't fall for his bullying, it's your body you do not owe him sex. Tell your parents the truth about him.

bastardkitty · 29/07/2018 06:29

Sorry to read this. You need to leave this abusive creep. Have you got friends or family close by who will help you? Tell your parents that they have literally no idea what he is really like. Why can't you do wha he says and pack your things and go?

BrandNewHouse · 29/07/2018 06:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxtellerswife · 29/07/2018 06:36

Get out of there and don't look back.
You're so young, you don't need this. Make this tosser a distant memory
You can do it, good luck

thevelvetundergroundandnico · 29/07/2018 06:39

Thanks for your replies and help, I don't really have many close friends after I left school I went into work and then left last year as my mental health got really bad after the rape. I reported it to the police and they said he can't get away with it etc but then they dropped it cause not enough evidence apparently. I was devastated cause I've seen him around and he probably knows where I live. My parents really like him and I feel like they wouldn't believe me if I said what's really going on. I will call my Mum tomorrow when he goes out tho, my parents are away on holiday, they're well off so they go away all the time, I always feel lonely and I have really bad social anxiety so find it hard to do things without my partner. 90 percent of the time he's really nice and sweet but the other 10 percent he's horrible and makes me feel like shit. I don't know if all men are like this. He's my first serious relationship but I slept around before . He thinks I'm a slut because of this and sometimes calls me a slut which makes me feel shit about myself. I haven't self harmed for a year and so proud of my self and don't want to do it again :(

OP posts:
BlueGenes · 29/07/2018 07:04

All men are NOT like this. You can find someone better. Go to your parents and tell them as soon as you can.

Maysong · 29/07/2018 07:16

Are you alright? Do you feel safe to stay there. Please be with people today if you can. Do you have somewhere to go, your parents home perhaps? Have you a key to their home or have they left a key with a neighbour?
Perhaps they don't live near enough to reach them?
Please remove yourself from this man. You should not be treated like this and his behaviour is not acceptable.
If you were my daughter I would want to know the truth. They will support you.

Spudina · 29/07/2018 07:16

You know yourself that this isn't what a good partner acts like right? Demanding sex every single day (especially after what you have been though) is wrong. Calling you a slut is wrong. I'm sure he slept with people before you. Men who call their girlfriends sluts always conveniently forget there own sexual history. You are young. You are a survivor. Just walk away. You deserve so much better from life than this pathetic excuse of a man. Good luck OP.

rubyjude · 29/07/2018 07:22

Honey, leave. Please, please leave. That 10% of nastiness is completely and utterly NEVER acceptable to have to live with. He is an abusive, immature, little nasty shit that is trying to make you think you are in the wrong for not wanting sex all the time, every day - what you did before, what you do after, how many men or women you sleep with - it is up to you, it is NOT wrong, YOU are not in the wrong, HE is. How dare he try and guilt you in to sex, especially after the trauma you've been through? How DARE he? Who the hell does he think he is, calling you names? You are not a "slut". And not all men are like this at all, just the abusive ones. Please leave him - and so many massive congratulations for not self harming for a year, you are doing amazingly Flowers

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 29/07/2018 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ryder63 · 29/07/2018 07:34

Oh yes leave! tell your parents when you can. I "slept around" in my teens, as did most of my friends. We are not 'sluts'. Do we call men sluts who sleep around? NO! it is a term men use to denigrate women. Your (consensual) sexual history is nobody elses business.

Sounds like he merely wanted you there for sex on tap. Ugh! you are worth far more.

Please get some support regarding the rape too.

thevelvetundergroundandnico · 29/07/2018 08:05

Thanks for all the messages 💕
I've decided I'm going to leave later (after I've had some sleep I've had none) when he's out. I can't live like this anymore. Yes I've got keys to my parents and a bit of money in my account so I should be okay. Once I get home I know I'll be relieved . I need to be strong x

OP posts:
Jaxtellerswife · 29/07/2018 08:55

You will feel so much better dropping some dead weight. No, not all men are like this but just take some time for yourself and do what you want and when you wantThanks
Please stay firm and leave today you will be so glad you did

SuitedandBooted · 29/07/2018 09:24

All men are NOT like him - he's a nasty bully. Go back to your parents, and tell them what's happened. I think you should also look into some kind of counselling about the rape, if you haven't already, as that may help with your anxiety.

rapecrisis.org.uk/counsellingtherapeuticservices.php

category12 · 29/07/2018 09:26

Have you had any support following the rape? You could talk to Rape crisis? You could also do the freedom programme.

All men are not like this, you found some bad ones.

Have you any plans to go to uni or anything like that?

Maysong · 30/07/2018 20:40

Hope all is well with you today.

Mmer · 30/07/2018 20:45

You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't stay with him for another minute. I think you should stay at your parent's house, and stay away from him.

funnylittlefloozie · 30/07/2018 21:13

Hope you have had some sleep OP. Please do go back to your parents' house and write off this horrible bullying loser of a "man".

Cricrichan · 30/07/2018 21:40

He's abusive. If your parents don't believe you then there is something wrong with them. Regardless, you need to leave him.

thevelvetundergroundandnico · 31/07/2018 04:36

I'm okay. We've had another argument like this tonight and he's saying it's all my fault etc and he says that I have to go to sleep at 11 pm every night and turn off my phone cause he thinks I've been talking to men on my phone.. I haven't ! He just seems so jealous and controlling and I've only seen this side to him recently. Hopefully I can find it in me to leave tomorrow when he's at work
Thanks for your messages they really made me feel better

OP posts:
Mmer · 31/07/2018 04:41

You seem to have a safety net in your parents and no dcs. Run.

Maysong · 31/07/2018 09:13

Find the courage today and make the change.
If you want to, leave a note and say good bye so he is clear that you don't want him to follow. But you owe him nothing, he has driven you out with his unreasonable behaviour..
Don't tell him where you are going and don't reply to texts etc.

I guess he knows where your parents live but if he comes round don't let him in. He has treated you very badly and you do not need to continue in such a toxic relationship. You have your whole life ahead so don't look back.
Alert your parents' neighbours if he bothers you at the house.
Do reach out to friends even if you haven't seen them for a while. I'm sure then will support you. Hopefully your parents will be returning soon.
There has been some wonderful advice on here, including urging you to seek counselling and that will help you move forward .
Please gather your stuff, book the taxi and go.

holrosea · 31/07/2018 11:40

OMG there is so much going on here. I agree with PP; this man is abusive and you need to leave. As Smile mentioned above, get the keys to your parents house and get somewhere safe. You do not deserve this treatment and you do not have to put up with it.

Call you parents and tell them what is going on. They love you and care about you, and social anxiety can make all sorts of feelings worse, including loneliness. If they knew what was really going on they would only want to support and protect you. You are still young and are very probably still their baby.

With regards to the rape, I am glad you reported and I hope you are able to seek a kind GP/practice nurse and access services for counselling. There are also plenty or organisations, Rape Crisis for example, who will be able to guide you to the correct services, and even the police to whom you reported the rape should have a list of support organisations.

With regards to promiscuity and your "being a slut", please, please, please completely disregard this horrible man's words and know that you can do whatever you want, with whoever you want, and absolutely NO ONE can sit in judgement of your behaviour. If you are having mutual fun with consenting adults, then it is NONE of anyone's business, ever. Do not let his nasty words damage your confidence or colour how you see yourself (easier said than done but I am very serious).

If you are wobbling (thinking he'll be nice again or that maybe he's right) keep posting on here, there are plenty of women who have experience of abusers and their tricks who can help you see more clearly and who want to help you find your independence and your confidence.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 13:00

Why are you still there?
I thought you were leaving yesterday.
Pack up your stuff and get the hell out of there.
Once out call Womens Aid.
Enrol to do their Freedom Programme.
You are so young and you have no understanding of boundaries or red flags. You need to learn.. fast!!!!
You will end up going from one abusive relationship to another if you don't sort this out quickly.
Get back to your parents.
This man is a vile, abusive bully.
Just STOP being there!
Get out - run!!!!

Maysong · 01/08/2018 08:28

How are you ?

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