Marriage ending, feels unreal

[Notfrom]

Hi, first time posting on mn. My 20 plus years marriage seems to be over and it feels like I'm dreaming. My dh is blaming it on me, says I gave him an ultimatum (don't remember doing this) that he needs to change or I would leave and he won't change anything because I'm talking nonsense about his moods. There is a history of us having totally different recollections of the same conversation with me always being in the wrong somehow.

Bit of background. I have always been very tolerant of his moods and tried to keep the peace, even apologising for things that I didn't think were my fault just to stop him sulking. This has been going on for more than 20 years. I have also taken care of all of the domestic stuff, which was fine when I was a SAHM but I have been working full time for a few years now and still do everything. He works longer hours and says his job is much more stressful so can't help.

In the last year, I've begun to get angry, possibly because of menopause, and just don't want to put up with the moods any more and be a domestic drudge. Dh says I've changed (this is true) and have got very argumentative. I think I'm just standing up for myself but he says I'm completely selfish and just want everything my own way.

My problem is that he wants us to talk to our kids, older teenagers, and tell them about 'my plan' to leave when our youngest dc goes off to uni. They know something is up, I'm in the spare room and they have seen how he ignores me. I feel like I'm being manipulated into saying something and getting all the blame for what is a very sad situation. He has some very good points and has been a great breadwinner and father but we have got into a real rut in the last few years.

It all feels like it's happening too fast. I can imagine a life by myself but I don't want to be pushed into anything before I'm ready. Unravelling our life together will be hard and complicated and I suppose I'm hurt that he won't even try to save our relationship, he's just angry that I've complained.

I suppose I'm just looking for some support as I feel very alone in all of this and being made to feel totally unreasonable. Thanks for reading this, I know it's a bit long.

As always, response that of course you are justified in everything you say and do whilst the man you have been happy to live with for all those years is totally unreasonable and doesn't deserve you.

That might be the case, but history has shown that the menopause does change us women and that whilst we are going through it, we are not the most pleasant people.

You acknowledge that you have changed as as such, you've imposed that changed on your OH. It doesn't mean that the change is wrong, but of course he is going to react to it as ultimately, he wasn't given a choice.

I'm going through the menopause and it's bloody hard! I'm sleep deprived and living with constant fatigue that impacts on everything I do and feel. Seeing my OH sleeping like a baby and full of energy makes me bitter. He of course doesn't really understand how I feel, so it takes little of his doing and saying for me to take it as a personal attack and blame him for 'not understanding'.

It is true that he could make more of an effort, but it is also true that I must not be the most fun person to live with at the moment. I am often 'miserable' and living with someone like that gets you down.

I know it is just a question of time. I remember so well my parents going through the exact same thing and my dad indeed moved out for some time. It was horrible and they definitely acted like they hated each other. Bring on retirement, and they now act like the most devoted couple in the world. It's almost sickening to see them acting like love birds!

This time in the life of a couple is very difficult, but I do think that many who battle on through it come out stronger as a couple. At the same time though, I know people who opted to end their marriage and have rediscovered themselves and are the happiest they've been for many years. It's hard to know what to do for the best!

I was in a similar situation to you 4 years ago (lots more emotional abuse though), except I was certain I did want to spilt up by that point. He told our kids straight away before I got home from work one day!

He would say to them constantly "none of this is my choice" I used to reply "he's right, it's my decision but he did have the power to change his behaviour & stop it getting this far and he chose not too".

I've never looked back and I don't think you will either. Speak to someone in rl though, don't assume you're burdening them. Your friends and family will want to be there for you. Good luck x

Wow - you've been with a manipulative, controlling abuser for 20+ years.
How you've done it I don't know.

Google - Gaslighting abuse.
Also read the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that!?
You'll find your DH in there.

Definitely make plans to leave.
This sounds draining and exhausting.

Well done on recognising that things need to change.
You get one shot at this life.
You've stayed while the DC grew up and now it's time for YOU!!!!

Your DC will know exactly what has happened.
They have lived with his moods all their lives and I can bet they will actually be happy for you when you are finally free of him!

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling quite emotional now as it's so nice to not feel alone.

Very interesting to hear your thoughts swingofthings, I've said all of these things to myself in the last few months. If I thought there was a chance of coming out stronger as a couple from all of this I'd give it a go, but he refuses to consider making any changes whatsoever, even though I've told him how unhappy I am. I'm sleep deprived too, but am holding down a challenging full time job so am functioning fairly normally. He hasn't been totally unreasonable all these years but his moods have. If the menopause has changed anything it is to reduce my tolerance for sulking.

Thinking about it, the confidence I have gained from doing well at work has been a big part of me deciding that I won't put up with moods and silence any more. Realising that I am respected and my opinion is valued has been a real boost. I do feel that it is time for me to rediscover my likes and dislikes and to just have some fun, got to try to keep that end in sight.

I will go and read the Lundy Bancroft book and I will get legal advice, two more small steps.