My ex's sister

[southernharp]

My long marriage broke down almost two years ago and XH has been a nasty twat since that time. He did the leaving Ow crawled out of the woodwork within weeks. Same old story.

I have been pretty ruthless about moving on from anyone who is friends with him and have been very very honest about that. The only exception is his sister and her family and his Mum. His sister has two kids who are young adults now and until 2 years ago I sent birthday and Christmas cards and vouchers. My ex was never interested or involved but when we split I told him that I would not do his wife work and it was now his job. It transpires he has not done anything about this and now I am getting loads of heat because the boys and his sister are not getting anything from 'us'. I willing to hold u my hands on my way art, but o don't think I am responsible for sorting out anything from their cousins, ie my children, as surely my xh can do this.

I have sent my X a bollocking email and I am also in trouble for forwarding his sisters email to him, which I didn't.

Matters are made more complicated by the fact that my x and I are on the other side of the world to his family. I have sent an email to his sister apologizing and trying to smooth things over. I don't really feel it though as I thought my X had it in hand and I am no longer his partner. His OW is.

why did you apologise or respond at all?

send gifts to her children if you want to.

don't if you don't want to.

Up to you, don't tell your ex what to do, none of your business, don't apologise either. Why would you?

Why is your no contact approach not applicable for his mum and sister? If it is because you like them and get on with them, then there’s nothing to stop you continuing to send cards etc in you own name. There is no ‘us’ any more, so why would you be doing, as you say, the wife work and sending ‘from us’.
What are you apologising for? You’ve not done anything!

I am apologizing because I haven't sent birthday pressies for the last 18 months, although I have sent a family pressie at Christmas.

I am not enforcing a no contact rule because they have been as thrown and bemused by the whole thing as I was. He is their relation and so there is more of a compulson to stand by him. With mutual friends, I think he should be called out and if not, they are welcome to him.

I am especially bothered by the fact that his sister calls the situation 'bickering' it is far from bickering in my view. He lied, cheated, made my life impossible, gaslighted, drove me to the edge of my sanity.

Oh and the children are now young men. I have sent vouchers in recent years. Now I am on just my income, this is more of a stretch. And as an aside, even when the boys were younger and I sent a pressie or voucher every time, there was no thank you or acknowledgement. Not that that matters. I haven't seen his family for more than 10 years now.

I'm perplexed as to why they contacted you about this since the marriage is over.

This isn't your problem.

Well no. But it is being made into my problem. Along the lines that I am still the boys auntie. And his sister did send flowers to my mums funeral 5 months ago. I am so confused.

I am with the others here. They are no longer your family. It is for your XH to mediate his children's relationship with his family. You aren't still the boys auntie.

If you want to send stuff because of your personal relationship with them as individuals that's up to you. But it doesn't sound like that is the case. If they chose to send flowers 5 months ago that's up to them. You don't owe her children any gifts because of it. Not that there is quid pro quo applicable here, but you did send a Christmas gift. But I wouldn't go down the road of thinking like that. You owe no one anything, especially not any apologies.

I’m with the other pp, op. This isn’t your problem. I’d either totally ignore or simply send a one line message to your former sil telling her she needs to raise this with your exh.

Btw, you ain’t the aunt any more. Just ignore and get on with your life.

If you have a relationship with them, I’d send them a card from you, obviously not from your ex too. If you don’t have a relationship with them, then I wouldn’t bother.

I definitely wouldn’t be contacting your ex about it OP. How he manages his own family relationships is upto him now.

You don’t owe them anything! A Christmas card and birthday card maybe but that is all. If you are financially comfortable and want to keep sending vouchers which are appreciated and you get thanked for then that may be different.

I would email the sister -

Dear x-SIL

I’m sorry you are upset that you haven’t been receiving Christmas and birthday gifts from ‘us’. As you know we are no longer married due him leaving me for another woman so there is no ‘us’. Money is now quite tight for me so I’m afraid I cannot afford to give gifts as in the past. I did explain this to your brother and that it was now his responsibility to send gifts to his side of the family.

I get where you’re coming from - I’ve kept up a relationship with (non-blood to me) ex-rellies because I want my DC to still have some sort of contact with their cousins and my exW isn’t doing it.

It’s all very one sided though. My kids’ birthdays are often forgotten. If you want to, stick to just a card so you’ve marked the day.

It's a tough one. I agree with others. You have said you are no longer sending gifts for his side of the family. It is up to him now. And if he doesn't do it the. That is his problem not yours.
I have sent smaller token gifts as I know my children will be remembered by certain family members and ex won't bother. But I have made it clear it's from just me.

Although I have an unwritten rule once they get to 18 gift giving stops.

I agree you should be doing gifts from 'us

Personally, if I wanted to maintain a relationship with the ex's family, I would have sent a gift from me and the kids. Or at least a card. Because that's what I do.

I have no desire to speak or even acknowledge my ex pil and ex sil. So they get nothing. But if I wanted to maintain that relationship, I would have sent something. It just would have the ex's name on.

I would email her and make clear you have no responsibility for ensuring your ex does anything. She needs to take it up with him or (if she really believes in wife work and thinks it's his partners responsibility) the OW.

It's his job to send vouchers and a card especially on your new budget and since you didn't choose these circumstances. Your exSIL sounds patronising. Tell her to direct her complaints to her brother and point out that you did do it for many yeasts without a word of acknowledgement from the children in question.

It would be nice of you to send a card but I don't think you're obliged to.

Many years not yeasts :)

It’s not your issue you have two young adult sons and an ex h who are all perfectly capable its not a woman job

I agree with @ciderwithbuda and @quartz2208 above.