What's needy look like and what's normal? Help me

[Teabay]

Hi
I had a fairly cold and dysfunctional upbringing and then a fairly cold and abusive 14 year marriage.
Am now divorced 2 and a half years, but finding it hard to calibrate normal - just when I think I'm getting it, I'm not.
I now have a loving OH who is trying to be there, but says I'm not letting them in. But I feel exposed and right out there.
Can you give me examples of how you ask them for things without it being needy or weird? For example, I had a nightmare period and dodgy stomach in the heatwave this week, but didn't ask OH to pop round to see me earlier than we'd planned, even though we were both off work. I was worried I'd be asking too much. Would you have asked for a bit of help in same circumstances?
I feel weird for even asking this

Does he live nearby? How long have you been together?

Im at the opposite end of the spectrum to needy (but I think Im normal?). I wouldnt ask DP for help unless I was pretty ill. But he lives 40mins away. If I couldnt get out the house I would ask for help. If he lives within walking distance or 5 min drive I would consider it. If he does live this close and youve been together a while, why didnt you want to see one another on your leave (or were you both originally busy with plans)?

Do you feel you dont want to ask him, or you cant or shouldnt ask him? For me, I dont want to ask. I know I can and wouldnt receive help. Feeling you "better not" is different.

Some men would want to be asked. It's nice to be asked for help, you get a warm fuzzy feeling. How would he react?

There's no 'normal' really, it depends on the two people involved.
Also I think there's a difference between being emotionally needy and asking for practical help.
Would you have wanted him/her to come round to keep you company and cheer you up, or did you need someone to buy food, aspirin, milk?
Personally if I had a heavy period and dodgy stomach I wouldn't want anyone to come round! Unless they were bringing emergency supplies. Maybe emotional support by text.

I think this is very individual - do you want your OH to come and take care of you when you’re unwell or do you just feel like this is something you should want to ask of a partner? When I’m unwell I just want to go to ground and hide until I feel better, so I never ask for help or support. If you’re the same there’s nothing wrong with that it’s just how different people deal with things. If he’s trying to make you feel weird for not wanting company when ill, that’s not right.

If you would like his support, I really think he’d appreciate a straightforward request which indicates not only that you want help but specifically that you want him: “I’m feeling pretty terrible. I’d really like to see you.” That’s not needy, at all.