I've found out I have autism... (trigger?)

[darkparadise1]

Sorry in advance for any offence caused to anyone, the length of my post and for if I've posted in the wrong place!

I've found out I've got autism (private assessment was today and awaiting formal results but psychologist said I do have it in his opinion) and I'm accepting but also very sad about it.

I don't know where to go from here or what I'm supposed to do now. I feel like it would be better if I wasn't here in a lot of ways because then I wouldn't be a burden to my husband and daughter (2). I'm not going to take my own life but it just feels like I'm going to drag everyone around me down.

The reason I wanted to receive a formal diagnosis was because I've suspected it for a long time and my pursuit of money and social anxiety has been to the detriment of family life. Me and my husband run a business together which has been successful but I'm obsessed with it and do nothing else with my time apart from care for our daughter. I'm useless around the house and have no social skills. It shouldn't be a shock but it is.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now or how to carry on with my life 😔 logically nothing should change but I just feel differently about myself. I'm scared of it impacting on my daughter in any way.

I don't know if I'm supposed to tell people or keep it a secret. If anyone (especially anyone with autism) has any advice it would be appreciated.

Our DD has just been diagnosed , as an adult. We've lived through very difficult times as a family, it's been very hard at times. I love her very much. The diagnosis was a huge relief for all of us.

All I can offer is that I've read your post and I think you have meaning, in your own and their lives and the diagnosis will help you all. But it takes time to absorb and understand what it might mean to you, and them.
Be kind to yourself and let this new news soak in to your mind and consider how you want to move forward. Hugs xxx

Hi OP,

How does your DH feel about your diagnosis?

I realise this must feel like a huge moment for you, but hopefully it will be one of those spur moments in life that will lead you to understanding yourself better.

I am not autistic (parent to DS with High-functioning Autism). Are you on Twitter at all? If so you might find the #actuallyautistic hashtag helpful, there are many autistic adults writing about life and positives/negatives on the spectrum.

The NAS can be really helpful and have a lot of resources on their web-site www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

Hopefully you should get a list of local support groups who can help you process your diagnosis. If not make an appointment with your GP to discuss your feelings and see if they can point you in a positive direction.

You are clearly a dynamic, brave and positive woman. Setting your daughter the example of being prepared to take a close look at yourself seeking answers and understanding and challenging long-term behaviours will only have a positive impact.

I wish you all the very best as you go forward. There are many people receiving diagnosis as adults, you'll find your tribe. Much love to you.

A close friend of mine was recently diagnosed. My ds went through the assessment process but didn't get a diagnosis. There isn't any 'supposed' about it when it comes to telling people - do whatever feels best to you. My friend immediately announced it on Facebook but another friend with a diagnosis just told some people individually. It is nobody else's business unless you choose to share it with them and there are several reasons why you might and others why you might not.
I think if I was you I would take a bit of time to absorb it, learn more and check out the support organisations out there. Ime most people who are diagnosed find the information useful.

Hello, I was diagnosed this year in my late thirties, I am married with 2 children and have been all through the emotions. I have found a few Facebook groups which have been interesting for me as they have autistic adults and young adults who have grown up being autistic who have a very different view on autism compared to parents who are neurotypical looking after autistic children.

There is a group on FB called “mums on the spectrum” which is fab. I think understanding which bits of the spectrum apply to you and how they affect you and what mechanisms you have already put in place.

For me it has been a bit like watching a movie like 6th sense, getting to the end, learning the twist and then seeing the whole thing in a completely different way. I understand why I do things, I also now realise that the way I see the world is very different to the way other people see the world. Pm me if you want to chat more. My husband has been amazing and helps me to counter the self-guilt that hits from time to time.

It may be a matter of re-framing.
When I realised I was likely autisitic (my dd got diagnosed and the drs all said they were pretty sure I was too - I'm not formally diagnosed) - I was shocked at first.

However, I had been sinking under the weight of social expectation and I just decided not to bother from then on. That helped.

I spent 3 weeks revisiting every area of my life that I'd felt shit about and forgiving myself. I no longer care about fitting in and that's ok. I dress how I want to dress and if I socialise now it's with parents of other asd kids who are totally ok with 'I only want to go out for two hours, I can't do people longer than that tonight'.
I only socialise one on one. I can't do crowds. That was a huge realisation. Letting go of dinner parties/group lunches cos they just do my head in. Also kids parties are now a nope. Just invite a couple of kids to a movie or something.

You don't need to tell people, but find yourself a forum where you can chat online to like minded people. Have you seen the Mumsnet neurodiversity thread? Lots of awesome people walking a similar path in there.

Also here's nothing wrong with your life being just work and your dc.
You don't need to do anything else.
Be ok with that.
Hire a cleaner. You can't be good at everything.

Oh bless you. It will start to feel better, i promise. I diagnosed myself in late fifties, easy enough as my teens were in the diagnostic process. You must have been half expecting it, just through your own process. I had a wobbly few weeks getting my head round it. I even thought i wasn’t autistic enough to qualify, just personality disordered, which was fun. But what it’s meant to me is self acceptance, and freedom to organise my life differently - in that I now accept I will never shine socially, so I just don’t do it. Or I pick and choose occasions,knowing that I’ll need some time afterwards to decompress and let out some of the Tourette’s style verbalising I have to do (in the car, alone!) I no longer try to make myself see live music, because I know now why I can’t and understand that it’s no longer necessary to force myself and in fact it’s unhelpful, so I just don’t do it.

So for you, maybe you can accept that your intense focus on work matters is part of your autism and doesn’t need fixing, in fact it’s an amazing advantage don’t you think? And now you know why you hate the drudge work in the house, well get a cleaner as it’s just not your thing. Let people work to their own skill set, you don’t need to try to be everything.

So much has improved for me, and I hope life improves for you. As for telling people, I do mention it - if I’ve done something a bit odd or unexpected (particularly with regard to social stuff) sometimes I do say “i do apologise, I’m an autistic person” weird as that may sound, I just do it. I can’t explain any other way. And if I get an offer to socialise where I know I just won’t cope, I’ll try to keep it light and say “oh I couldn’t go Formula One racing, it would bring on my autism”. If this causes raised eyebrows I couldn’t care less - another advantage of diagnosis for me. If people don’t like me well so what, we can’t all love everybody, and I suffered a lot in the past by getting that wrong.

What you might find happens is that now you know why you’re obsessed with work and find social interactions difficult, the stress could start to fade away. Much like a Type 2 diabetic person finds out why they’ve been feeling so unwell and can start to settle into a new lifestyle which makes them feel so much better.

Please don’t think you’re dragging your family down. You’re not. You may need to readjust what you expect from yourself perhaps and this will be easier now. Chin up girl.

Thank you so much for the replies everyone, I can't tell you how much they've helped me tonight. Will come back to the thread later on when I've had time to think

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD & have also been rejigging things to suit my needs better.

It helps to find people in the same boat.

I wish you well.

Hopefully it will lead to a home for your DD with very clear communication about everything. More self awareness for you and your DH. More explanations about why you do things a certain way and why your DH does things a certain way. Whether or not these things are personal preferences or because your mind works a different way to your DH's. So you don't say I'm useless around the house and have no social skills you say "DH is better at some things than I am, that's why I spend more time working on the business as DH has more time to do the house stuff then. We divide up the workload according to our skills and preferences. But sometimes DH doesn't like doing everything in the house so I do try to do the parts I'm best at so he can have a break from it." As long as your DH isn't resentful about what each of you do I don't see a problem that way.

Communication, boundaries, self awareness, consideration - all of these are hugely positive things for any child. We take so many things for granted without specifically explaining them to a child who is trying to learn about the world. What child doesn't want to live in a secure home where everything is clear and easily explained and understood?

I don't know what you mean by no social skills but you obviously met another person and married them. You run a business so you must have clients or customers or suppliers or employees or something and you do that. That's all social skills.

Be proud of who you are. You are an achiever despite coming at the world from a different angle to most.

Diagnosed at 24. Definitely just give yoursef time to digest; I found I had to reassess my identity. I too forgave myself for things I had felt a failure for as I realised my brain was not built for them. I had a lot of thoughts and just had to think and feel each one through before making any actions.

Then it’s a case of rebuilding. Reasserting my identity; being stronger in ways I had always toned down as I now saw traits as a strength not an embarassment but also not making myself do things that were really too much for me- learning to be confident saying no or asking to limit certain situations.

I think it took me about 7/8 months to say I am proud to be autistic and I wouldn’t change it. It can be hard when I get overwhelmed in the supermarket and can’t work out how to remove myself from the shop but it’s fantastic when I can solve problems at work than no one else can. And I don’t care if people don’t understand how I can do hugely complex data analysis but not manage a weekly shop. The kicker for me was meeting other autistic people; sharing strategies, sharing situations, discussing. I went to a conference for autistic people with an autistic colleague and he turned to me and said “look, in this room, we are the norm”. Said colleague is very senior at work and making a real success of it; having autistic role models is very powerful. “If he can do it, so can I” is a very powerful sentiment!