Sexless Marriage..............any advice ?

[mark797]

Hi All,
First of all apologies if this is in the wrong place, I am new to this sort of thing and still learning.
I am in a 'sexless marriage' and looking for advice on putting it right.
I am 53 years old and my wife is 45. For the past 7/8 years she has gone off sex completely.
Initially I asked her about it and she replied 'Don't bully me'.
So I backed off and left it. But our sex life over the years has got worse and worse.
Recently I bit the bullet and asked her about it again while we were on holiday.
She says she really does not feel like it, that she does loves me, and promised to try harder.
But since then nothing has happened.
I have wondered if it is her contraceptive pill (she's taking 'Cerelle') could have this effect?
I have tried to get her in the mood with massage oil and other things but nothing seems to work.
In fact, apart from changing her pill about six years ago she has made no effort to put this situation right which I really do resent as it has been left as 'my problem'.
I do love her and do not want to give up on my marriage but I do need intimacy.
Have any of you women on here felt like that? And if so how have you put it right?
Of course I could be wasting my time because she may well have fallen out of love with me. I have asked her this but she says she still does................can anyone help?

Prepare to be asked how much housework you do, whether you make time to ask her about her day, whether you do your share of the “mental load” etc etc.

For a woman, on this site, it’s a valid expectation and right that your relationship should include sex should that be your wish. If a man complains of no “action” then he’ll just be told he’s expecting too much of her, or not doing enough for her, or that he’s guilty of pestering / bullying or just crap in bed - take your pick.

If your wife has left this as your problem then you have to find the solution. That may include needing to move on and find someone more sexually compatible. Otherwise you’ve got (potentially) another 20+ years of no sex to get through

Hi OP, I don't have any advice unfortunately, and it's a tough situation... However, I am puzzled why your DW is taking contraceptives while she doesn't have sex.

Thanks for the replies …..........We have sex about 3/4 times a year (birthday/Christmas/holiday if im lucky) which is why she is on the pill. ( I presume) it is always me that makes the first move. An affair is unlikely as I genuinely believe she loves me but does not 'fancy' me anymore. It makes me feel like shit and is something that has been weighing me down for a long time.
She does work hard , we both do. For me its her lack of effort in trying to fix the issue, she seems happy and settled with it. Sex is not important to her so I miss out as well!

Why is she even taking the Pill if you aren't having sex!? It's not exactly great for your health people just do it out of necessity

There is a pill for female sexual dysfunction now isn’t there? Could you look into that?

I was on cerelle for years and it killed my sex drive. I only realised the effect it had on me when I stopped taking it when ttc. DH had a vasectomy and I'm no longer on the pill and I genuinely feel like a different person.

I can imagine my DH writing a similar post in a few years... All I can say is, it's really nothing you are/aren't doing.
In my relationship, we both had very high sex drives when we first met. Mine has decreased over the years, his hasn't. I could honestly never have sex again and not miss it, but I love him as much, even more than so did when we first met.
I feel bad that for me sex is a chore - I make an effort to let him on a weekend, but it's up to him to initiate. It's not that I don't like it when it's happening, but I'm just so knackered and dislike myself so much that I just can't see why he would want to.
He helps around the house despite working harder and longer hours than me, spends loads of time with the kids, teaching them how to cook and stuff (things I haven't got the patience to do), takes hem out and does stuff with them to give me a break I really couldn't ask for more...
I'm about 2 stone heavier than I was when first met, having had 3 kids and so many years together my body has changed and my priorities have changed so I no longer concentrate on looking good and taking care of myself. I'm not particularly overweight or in bad shape, but I'm very aware that I'm not the person I was when me met and married - aim older, heavier, less fit, more wrinkled, got more stresses and anxieties, etc and I just don't understand how he still wants/needs me...
Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the feeling of having sex when we're actually doing it, but I never feel like initiating it or

I think it is unreasonable of her to not try to address this issue. It sounds like coming off the pill would be a good start (hormonal contraceptives always killed my sex drive) What about some couples counselling? If, as you say, she loves you and wants to try harder, then perhaps she would agree to this. You will need to be patient though. There's nothing more unsexy than pressure and nagging.

I’m in the same position with my DH. I’d love to want sex but the years of bickering and negativity in conversation have put me off. everytime we get close and I feel like we could be intimate again, he’s a dick in conversation and we are back to square one. For me, it’s impossible to do the deed with somebody I can’t chat to, who I don’t feel respects me and who talks to me like a piece of crap sometimes. Do you build your wife up with your words or are you negative towards her? That could be a factor maybe?

The resentment will just build and it will destroy what is left of your relationship. You have let this situation go on far too long. It is perfectly normal to want to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship. Your DP is fine with the status quo and your actions over several years are telling her that you are too.

Stop, take stock and think about what you want from the relationship. Spend more time on yourself (improve your fitness etc) and have a clear talk with her so that she is clear that a) this is not just your problem and b) what the consequences are if she doesn't put some effort in to save your marriage.

She’s being totally unfair in refusing to discuss it.

I’d have to walk, she’s being emotionally abusive

Thanks everyone for the input:
fiizthecat- I have talked to her about coming off the pill. It is something I am going to approach again as I think the best thing for both of us is me having a vasectomy.
DieAntword: Thanks I will look into that.
Soloula: Your comment was very helpful, Vasectomy is something we talked about, she doesn't what me to have it but I think it is our best course of action for both of us. Fingers crossed it works and her libido returns!
OnceTwiceThrice: Thanks for your input, it has lifted my mood as I thought she has gone off me, she assures me she hasn't which does correspond to what you have written which is most helpful. Obvioulsy my wife has changed over the years to but I still find her as sexually attractive as I did back then. In some ways I wish I didn't as the pressure would be off.. But please don't be hard on yourself, if it helps I (and I haven't spoken to many of my male friends about this) find 'real women' far more attractive than the plastic ones fed to us by the media. There were many reasons why but one is that the average woman is perceived as 'warmer' and more fun to be around!
Majesticewhine: I agree, which has been the main part of my frustration. She is very good in virtually everything else though.
Cawfree: I do praise her a lot for looks choice of clothes etc. I can understand where you come from and at times the situation has got me down. The difficulty is that if I do mention the issue it seems like i'm moaning. If I don't then she happily gets on with her lot as I yearn for intimacy.
Notmany: That's why I have posted on here, to try and clear my mind and get the female side of things before I decide what to do next. I do love her and I believe she loves me to.
SoaponARoap: Initially she was and I resented the 'bullying' accusation. I have been married before and the most important thing is communication. And the fact I couldn't talk to her about it made me frustrated and resentful. I put everything into work and just got by day by day as everything else in our life is good so I focused on that and managed. But looking at some of the replies has re-assured me she does love me but has lost her sex drive. She didn't handle it well but I think she panicked and just wanted me to shut up. Since then the situation gives me ups and downs so at times I can be 'off' with her so she feels pushed out I suppose.
Thanks again everyone

The pill most definitely can put you off as you are not ovulating and also the peri-menopause and I know from experience that I certainly felt any sex felt like rape during this time - I only have sex if I want it (rarely tbh) and I will NOT have it if I don't feel like like it. It's my body and my choice.
So I live on my own. I feel very strongly no woman should have sex against her will as it's an abuse.
Some women can benefit from testosterone if you can find a GP to prescribe it - most of them can't be bothered with lost libidos even though it's a very serious problem which I think is very short sighted and wrong.
There are an awful lot of mid life divorces for this very reason. I chose divorce as I wasn't prepared to put up with my husbands constant pestering.

I'm in a sexless marriage and its breaking my heart. I love my husband. He truly is my best friend and I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he does love me but doesn't know how to show it but I don't think that's true anymore. We are like housemates. We have not made love in 3 years and before that he would only seem to be interested every 18 months or so. He doesn't like me initiating sex so I don't try anymore. He sleeps on the edge of the bed and doesn't seem to be able to cope with any physical touching unless I hug him but it never goes any further than that. If I raise the subject he gets upset and wont talk. I think it has a lot to do with him having depression and he hasn't been able to work for a while. I work very hard and pay for everything. I have never, ever argued with him about money or bills as I do believe that in a world of equality it is as much my responsibility to keep the family home together as it is his. he does many other things which are just as valuable and we rarely argue. We have no children. We always planned for them but he changed his mind. So after 20 years of marriage I am contemplating separate bedrooms as I'm finding the nightly rejection just too much. Its affecting my confidence at work and socially and I just feel I need some space to get my head around it but I'm conscious it might be too much space.