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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice on a bit of a curve ball I've been thrown

20 replies

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 09:57

Name change as I know that several people I know in RL will be upset that I haven't asked for their advice on this.

I have been seeing a wonderful man for a while now and he is practically living in my house. We had discussed moving in together soon, and I agreed to move across to the other side of the city that I live in to make his commute to his job shorter (he is currently commuting for 3 hours a day, this would bring it down to 2). This would involve moving my DDs to a different school and nursery.

He has now asked me if I would be willing to move to the city where he works (approx 1.5 hours drive away). I would have to get a new job in the new city, as well as relocating my children.

I have absolutely no doubts about my relationship, but wonder how I would manage in a new city as I have lived here all my life. I do love my job, but to be fair he earns 5 times what I do, and if we lived in the city where he works he would save £500.00 on travel, and he would be around more too.

Advice anyone?

OP posts:

edam · 31/05/2007 10:01

Hmmm. All the benefits would be his, all the disruption yours and your family's. How long have you been together? Are you getting married? Think buying a house for both of you to live in may have legal implications should you ever split up, as in he may be entitled to some of the value.

It's not very romantic, but I'd ask a lawyer to advise on the implications, and I'd also sit down and try to explain to him that it's a very one-sided deal and that, given you have major responsibilities to your kids, a compromise would be a better idea.

chilledmama · 31/05/2007 10:05

What edam said but also...
You were willing to move your children anyway from one side of city to other so that can't be the issue. Moving your life is the hard bit as you love your job...but is it the job or the people??? If its the people then you can still see them as friends, if is the job then that makes everything much more difficult todecide.

warthog · 31/05/2007 10:10

it does seem like you're making all the compromises. i'd be reluctant. sit on it for a couple of months before making any decisions, and then only do it if you'er 100% sure.

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 10:10

Thanks edam

We would be renting, as we both are at the moment. We are not planning to get married yet.

He did say that he understands that it is asking a heck of a lot of me, and that he would completely understand if I wanted to just move across the city as we agreed before.

OP posts:

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 10:17

chilledmama, I am a little wary of moving my DDs full stop, but as DD1 is in reception atm, and DD2 is due to start preschool in September I feel that it might not have too much of an impact on them than if they were older.

My job, well basically I am training for a career, where I work and also do a degree level qualification at college. I have taken a year out this year, but am planning to start again in September, and my company are prepared to pay for the course, having said that I don't see getting another job a problem, and almost all companies would be happy to pay for the courses.

OP posts:

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 10:18

Oh, and I do love the people too

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expatinscotland · 31/05/2007 10:20

No. Sorry, I wouldn't do this with my children unless I had some pretty serious commitment from him.

You could find yourself between a rock and a hard place.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I've had this happen to me. It was pre-kids, so easy to sort out, but with kids?

NO WAY.

Especially if I loved my job.

Sorry, but having a job you love is like gold dust.

I think moving across the city is a reasonable compromise.

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 10:35

What sort of commitment do you mean expat? Neither of us are in a position to get married, we are technically still married to other people. We have both been separated from our respective spouses for nearly 2 years, so have been waiting to 'do the paperwork' as it were.

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expatinscotland · 31/05/2007 10:38

More than just me making all the compromises, that's for sure.

Personally, I wouldn't make a move like that with my kids unless I were married to the chap. And this is from an entirely legal and practical point of view.

When you have kids, it's about covering all bases, especially when you're talking about moving schools.

TootyFrooty · 31/05/2007 10:44

If it goes wrong will you stay in the "new" city or will you come home? If the answer is that you would come home then I'd say don't do it - you're doing it for the wrong reasons. It would be far too disruptive for your dds and for you.

I moved countries to be with my xp but also because I wanted a change of scene. When we split up (no children) I stayed because I loved it and had made loads of friends. If I had been stuck in a place where I didn't know anyone and didn't have a job I loved then I would have been miserable and probably regretted the move.

expatinscotland · 31/05/2007 10:53

Good point, Tooty!

Like Tooty, I also moved countries with a partner and when it went tits up, I stayed because I wanted to.

Pre-kids, though.

bananabump · 31/05/2007 11:02

I moved 120 miles to be with my partner who I met online, no kids, I hated it there, made no friends and was so far away from all my friends and family I was desperately lonely.

It's a lot to ask for you to chan ge your job, pull your children out of nursery etc, but it's also a lot to ask for you to leave friends and family. If it's going to leave you with no-one but him, don't do it. If it all goes wrong you don't want to be on your own.

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 11:18

I suppose I wouldn't be as far away as all that, and he would also be further away from his DD.

Would I move back if it all fell apart? Not sure, it would depend on whether I had found a really good job and made friends or not. Also on how long I had been there.

OP posts:

Freckle · 31/05/2007 11:58

Could he move his job to your city? What sort of work does he do? I'd query his commitment if he wasn't even prepared to look into that aspect, but still expects you to uproot yourself and your dds because it's more convenient for him.

Cappuccino · 31/05/2007 12:02

you'd be looking for a job first, right?

Original poster

shouldimove · 31/05/2007 12:42

Freckle-Unfortunately he has taken a job with a small firm, they only have one office. He was only meant to be there on a short fixed term contract, but it appears they have made him a permanent offer that he would be silly to refuse.

Cappuccino-good grief yes, I would hate to give up work, I would go mad at home (sorry to SAHMs, I have the utmost respect for you, because I know I couldn't do it!)

As I said before, if I can't face the move to another city, he has said that we can just stick to the original plan of moving across the city (incidentally to a MUCH nicer area with better schools) than I am in at the moment.

[confused sigh emocion]

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 31/05/2007 12:44

I'd do the cross city move first and see how it goes.

mumblechum · 31/05/2007 13:40

so would I.

Listmaker · 31/05/2007 13:51

I moved across the city with my two dds - then 8 and 6 to live with my now dh. It was actually nearer to my office though. My parents were previously just round the corner though and that was difficult especially as my mum met the girls from school every day. I didn't have many friends very local to me though so it's made no real difference about seeing them.

We were buying a place together and marriage was on the cards and we were married a year after we exchanged on the house so I had that security and I just knew we would work out and that I loved him more than I had thought possible so I never had any real doubts.

My dds miss their old friends a bit and haven't always been 100% happy with the move but the new school is much better and they ahve done so much better and now have lovely new friends and are really settled (8 months since starting the new school).

So I would say start with the compromise move across town and when you think about buying somewhere and getting things more 'official' then think about moving to the other city? Then again two moves could be more disruptive for your dcs?

It worked out well for me but as I said I was 100% sure of my relationship and that the move would be good for my dds in the end despite seeing less of their grandparents.

hth!

Original poster

shouldimove · 01/06/2007 11:07

Listmaker- thanks for the insight, really helpful.

I think that 2 moves would just be too much for them, so far they have already had to have one house move as I was forced to sell the family home when exH and I split.

Having discussed it again with DP, it looks like we will be moving to the other city as it just seems the most practical thing to do. I started looking at finding another job and it looks like it wont be a problem. Thanks to you all for posting and offering advice

Can anyone suggest how I go about looking into schools/CMs/nurseries? Websites perhaps?

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